Half a life

Jelly

Jelly

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i know that we are blessed with the joyful state and the introspective gift of depression, but let's be honest, living with mood swings is hell most of the time and very very hard to stay alive when it has been going on for a number of years. I find that with each depression i can tolerate the symptoms less, and also that they might be more severe. I've tried without medication, tried all those in the pharmacy, and still side effects like rash, intolerable side effects, cause me to stop my medication. My body is just too sensitive. I have a rash with lumps the size of golf balls under my skin that hurt and look awful. I have akathisia and insomnia still from the ariprazole and so have stopped it after only a month. I'm going back to my half a life again and i think i have to accept that this is how things will be for my life. My life without all those things i thought i should have, and did have, but will not have again. It's ok, i'm sad but accepting of it. I might sound melodramatic, i'm depressed still. I've been unable to even boil a can of soup never mind eat the soup. I'm afraid that one day i will get all the bad sympyoms back, the psychotic symptoms, because those i cannot cope with, and those are what cause me to behave in ways that i find humiliating and where i get myself into trouble. I don't want to raise concern, i want to blend into the crowd. I know someone out there understands this.
 
A

atlantis

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mood swings can be absolutely crazy.

i am sorry you are feeling how you are- currently me too. feeling really bad, and really lost
 
Jelly

Jelly

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Sad and lost is terrible. I feel like i have lost out in life, and sad about that. I feel sad that i have these mental health problems but i do also appreciate the positives.

I'm set up now for a life of tears and suicidal plans to contend with as that is what will come back eventually. Racing suicidal thoughts, sitting on the floor with my bottle of vodka. That is sad and worrying. What can we do though. Many of here seem to be the same as this, it is very sad. :hug1: there is very little we can do if we cannot tolerate side effects.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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very eloquently put. I too understand very well and I am hating the lethargy that goes with it right now.
I am on the meds but still am not anywhere near well.
I fear those dark and dangerous places, as each seems worse than the last and the past one nearly ended me. So I will keep trying my way thro the pharmacy.
Those side effects you are having sound horrid. Mine are more benign, tho troublesome.
 
Jelly

Jelly

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You obviously completely understand where i am coming from tiltawhirl :hug: it is frightenening to go down those dark holes because the world looks different from down there and thoughts are so black and dangerous. I think we have to be proud that we have survived the ones we have and so are strong now. I just got through a very bad one and survived. It means half a life though as the song says, but i think accepting this disabling illness is key. Others, and even fellow sufferes, even some nurses and psych doctors minimise how painful it can be, how destructive. I find that the hardest. Family members sometimes minimise it and i have a small speech prepared. At the end of the day, i know how bad it is and that it is not my fault, not my chosing, and that makes me be kinder to myself when times are tough, and to not expect too much from myself, but take it in my stride. Guilt, no guilt otherwise arrrr pain.
 
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atlantis

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i think the saddest thing about our situation, is that we could be so much more... we could get so much more out of life, but we just can't... make sense?

we don't choose to feel this way, but it's how it goes- and it's such ashame, because eventually you end up feeling your life has been wasted... and that's the worst feeling in the world
 
Jelly

Jelly

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Indeed. I am appreciative of the fact that i did not get very ill until about 29 years, i had a chance to go to uni, to travel the world, to have a great career.

I feel i should be capable of more, although then, i don't think i was AWAKE pre-bipolar if you know what i mean. So things are better but also worse.
 
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atlantis

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i'm glad you managed to get some stuff out of life, jelly

yes.... 29 gives you a good chance of living through your childhood/ teen years.... kind of the foundation of your life... kind of sets you up for what ever else you may come across. know what i mean?. especially grades and stuff

for me, i can't say i got that, either

things started for me at 10/ 11... so almost the end of my childhood- and while i did attend colledge for a while, i got far too ill
 
Jelly

Jelly

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10 :hug1: That is young.

I have had cyclothymia throughout since age 17 i suppose, and some bigger dips in mood but nothing like now. I cannot imagine having missed out on uni and travelling, i am too frightened now to leave the country incase a big episode comes on and i am not near home.

That is terrible for you.
 
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