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Had to move back in with abusive mother as adult & shes attempting to control me

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rainve

New member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Uk
I moved back in with my abusive mother back in September moving back from another country and having no other choice, I’m now in a situation where she’s started to continue her old patterns of abusive behaviour (not physical because I’m an adult) she’s always infantilised me but it’s become worse now I’m aware of it and she does controlling things like not letting me cook for myself or do any housework asking ‘if I’m trying to be more independent’ by doing normal things and telling me not to vote because her boss who she rents from would be aware of me living in her house and she didn’t want her knowing (she didn’t tell her until February 5 months after I moved in) being weird about the government knowing where I live.

I’m trans and I was outed to her before I moved in and while she said she accepts but she’s always been a bigoted person and she doesn’t get my pronouns right and calls me by a name she decided suits me better and not the name I want to be called and also makes really uncomfortable remarks about my body (commenting when I don’t bind for example) and and asks invasive questions regarding my transition. I moved in knowing it would be hard for me to try to survive around her but planning to get a job and work to save up in order to move out but she’s become controlling about me finding work and uses my mental health as an excuse as to why I can’t work and suggested giving me ‘pocket money’ every month instead so I don’t have to work and asking why I need money.

Because of all this and the memories of the things she did before (kicking me out as a teenager, blaming me for abusive men not liking her)
I have panic attacks and flashbacks almost daily and her attempting to again control me as an adult has been making them worse forcing me to uncover new memories that I hadn’t realised I had pushed down before that I’m not ready to process, I’ve never had therapy before because she prevented me getting it growing up so I wouldn’t be around people I could report her to but I’m on a waiting list for therapy now because the waiting list for trans services is so long and I planned to use that to work though my abuse without her knowing, with the lockdown now that’s been pushed back even more and I have no way of knowing when I’ll be able to talk to someone.

I really need help I’m feeling more and more scared and stressed about my chances of leaving when she’s so controlling about me working and having money so I don’t know what to do. I have nowhere else to go my father is also abusive and I tried living there once as a teen and he threatened me with homelessness if I i didnt do what he wanted and all other relatives side with them. I don’t know anybody I can go to. I would like to know how anybody who’s situation was similar was able to work/get money to escape
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
1,176
Location
South Korea
My dear, I've been through all kinds of things that you've been through. :( I also live with controlling parents and it sucks. I'm nearing 30, and I am stuck. Just look at this: I blame my parents and myself for living this way.

Since you live in UK, there are government help centers where people can help you. Go there, and don't stay with your parents.
 
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dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,509
Similar situ, god this shit sucks. I'm sorry you're going through it.

I did get out of living there, eventually, which means you can too, if you set your mind to it :).

You need to completely block out her putting you down about getting a job. I know it's so flipping triggering, but if you can just put all your mental efforts into focussing on getting a job, almost develop a tunnel vision about it because that's your ticket out of there. Seriously.

Also, do NOT listen to her when she tells you your mental health is stopping you from working, she is using this as a means to make you feel small, or at least, in order to submit you to her. There is no reason why your mental health would stop you working, from the sounds of your post. Whatever she can use to get you in her house and under her thumb, she will use, because she needs that sense of control.

From the sounds of it, she is probably the one more in need of help. You can direct your life how you want, but leave her to hers, please.
 
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jamraspberry

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
300
Location
Somewhere
Hi @rainve I suffered PTSD due to abusers. Forum groups helped me to get over my PTSD.

Wish you the best!

Hugs :hug:
 
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Peacedreamer4

Active member
Joined
Jan 2, 2021
Messages
25
Location
London
I can relate I have a toxic mother as well try and be kind to yourself and don't internalise anything she says to you. You're not alone trust me
 
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