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Had suicidal thoughts for the first time, I need to change my life.

Q

Quicksilver

New member
Joined
Jun 24, 2017
Messages
3
Location
Southampton
Hello

New member here, was motivated to post due to having suicidal thoughts last night so I needed to speak.

I’ll start off by saying that I’ve been depressed on and off for a long time, ever since I was a little kid. It’s gotten worse in the last few years.

One of the main reasons for my depression is my difficulty dealing with my disability. It is only minor and doesn’t stop me from living an independent life, but it is very distinctive as I walk with an unsteady gait.

I feel my depression is becoming worse because I realise I’m not young anymore. It’s depressing that as a 28 year old I have hardly ever experienced a serious connection with someone let alone a relationship. There was one woman I connected to, like me she had a disability but it didn’t stop her from doing anything. She was beautiful and we empathised with each other but I didn’t feel good enough for her, in the end this mindset drove her away.

One way of dealing with losing her in my life was to keep going in academia, I’ve always loved the weather and I got a distinction for my masters project which lead me to doing a PhD. I think the PhD is part of the problem too as I have a difficult supervisor who knocked my confidence. I didn’t realise the extent of that until recently and this has also contributed to my unhappiness.

I am now in the third year of being in my PhD which puts me in a difficult position. I passed my upgrade so have a bit to work to go on with the thesis but I dislike the method and I don’t think it will work as a complete project. Given my mental state I also don’t think I am capable of finishing a thesis either, I just want to escape from it all. Everyone also seems to be travelling the world and having a great time whereas I have just been stuck in Southampton the whole time.

In recent months I have also lost my passion and enjoyment for things. I used to be fit as I did a lot of handcycling, but the motivation for this has collapsed.

To summarise my main problems I believe are as follows:

• Being fearful and overwhelmed at dealing with adult life.

• Struggling to connect with people and feeling that my potential in the serious dating world is hindered by my disability when it comes to someone I can't connect with.

• Not being able to move on from a previous woman because I havn’t found a spark with anyone else and becoming worried that it will be even harder now because more and more people are commiting to serious relationships.

• Feeling stuck with my PhD and thinking I’m better off leaving.

• Not having an experience that I’ve truly enjoyed, I want to do something
different and have a genuinely happy experience where I feel at complete ease.

So these have contributed to my recent suicidal thoughts and I don’t want to have them again, but how on earth do I turn my life around? I know thought process is important and I have tried CBT. You can try thinking differently but something has to genuinely happen to get yourself out of this loop you become stuck in.
 
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calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
43,396
Location
Lancashire
:welcome: to the forum. I think that a course of therapy would help you a lot in understanding how your mind works and how to change the mindset that is dogging you. I hope others will be along to help you more but I have do dash out. I just didn't want you to not have someone reply.

Hold on in there and have a look here
Suicidal Crisis
 
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Q

Quicksilver

New member
Joined
Jun 24, 2017
Messages
3
Location
Southampton
Thanks :), I really don't know what to do at the moment, everything feels so overwhelming :(
 
C

Coast2

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 9, 2016
Messages
1,235
Location
UK
Studying is stressful and studying at PhD level is all consuming. I've studied at BA level and that was enough for me. The pressure must be immense and I'm sure a lot of students studying at that level experience MH problems.

Are you at a brick university? They usually have a very high standard of counsellors who can provide help and support and you'll usually get access to them quite quickly in comparison to the NHS.

Don't throw away your PhD. You must be nearly finished now? You've got so much to live for, unfortunately depression makes us view life through a distorted mirror and we can't always see things clearly. Are you on medication and have you visited your GP?
 
Q

Quicksilver

New member
Joined
Jun 24, 2017
Messages
3
Location
Southampton
I use a counselling system here but it doesn't seem to be working for me at this point. As of yet, I haven't taken any medication and I feel as though it is papering over the cracks.

The PhD is tough, I've got around 10 months left. I have written about 8000 words but I am not happy with my method. My supervisor is intimidating and quite controlling, she is also a very hard task master. I just don't think I can handle the pressure and it will only get tougher. There's just too many other things in my life that I feel need sorting out. I've become miserable because I am simply not enjoying life anymore and I am becoming fearful of the future.
 
G

goodgollymiss

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 6, 2017
Messages
406
You're so smart. I didn't get excepted to do my masters. My undergrad thesis was so hard because I didn't read math journals at the time. A little constructive criticism probably is done to guild the Lilly.
 
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