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Guilt

A

Amethystgrey9999

Active member
Joined
Feb 7, 2021
Messages
27
Location
New york
This really long and cringy. It's another rant lmao, I just needed it to get out of my chest.


So there's this teen who made fun of a cancer patient who's been gaining a lot of attention lately. She made her dad loose his job, and her dad made a video explaining his side, and it reminded me of the time I put my dad in bad light. About 4 years back my dad came back from work, I guess he had a terrible day and he saw that the bed was a mess (we all slept together back then because we couldn't afford to sleep separately), I had binged and there were wrappers everywhere and it's not the first time that it has happened. Usually I get scolded at and I clean it sometimes I get hit (lightly), if I get caught (I try to clean it before they come home). So, after I cleaned everything and I was about to do my homework, my mom had called my dad and asked him to take the washed clothes back inside. He told me to do it and I said later, because I had hw and he had a couple of sips of alcohol by then, so he's mood was definitely edging towards scary. He took his belt and started to hit me(not very hard), but what scared me was how angry he was. He was hitting the pillow that I used to cover me so hard like he wanted to murder it, he was punching the wall or smthng. He was so angry. And I thought I was going to be able to keep it together the next day, but everyone was so happy in class that day and I broke down in front of my best friend. They tried to get me to the bathroom to ask me what was wrong but a teacher caught us and classes had already begun, she saw me and she started asking me what's wrong and I think i tried to move but she wouldn't let me so I vented. I said, "my dad was drunk and he hit me", and then I guess she didn't know what to say so she brought me to the supervisor who then sent me to the counselor. I remember venting for 2 hours straight just crying and I said everything except for the part that the bed was a mess. I remember getting out and feeling dizzy and I went to the gym where the rest of my class was and then I was fine. I was laughing all of a sudden and when got back, the counselor and the supervisor called me back in. They asked me if I was being molested and stuff (I said no I think) and they asked me if there was anyone in my family who I can trust, and I just put my family in a terrible light, I told them about how both my mom and grandmom have terrible anger issues and if they called my mom it's just going to get worst. But they called my mom anyways (without me knowing) , that same night my dad brought my mom. And I to dinner I guess he felt guilty, idk. My mom kept asking me if I was okay, and then I guess she told my dad. My dad ignored me for 2 months I think. By that time it had sunk in what I had done and how cringy I had been.

My point is, my dad probably felt the exact same way that teen's father did. I betrayed him, I put him in such a bad light. It scares me how much I can manipulate people, how easily playing the victim comes to me. I literally went from crying to just okay, how I can go from crying to pretending that nothing happened. I don't even remember if the sequence of events was right. I feel like I'm Exactly just like that teen, manipulative, selfish and self-centered. My dad and I have a better relationship, but I just want to murder that girl from 4 years back. It pains me to think that my dad was probably depressed back then, and I ignored all of the signs and turned my STUPID SELF AGAINST HIM. I deserve everything, I deserved all of the times I got hit by my FAMILY.
 
L

Lookoutforhope

Member
Joined
Jan 17, 2021
Messages
8
Location
UK
You have nothing at all to be guilty about - you didn’t betray your dad - you actually did the right thing! The fact that your father’s actions make YOU feel guilty implies that you put up with his abusive behaviour in order to protect him.

Your dad hits his child with a belt? Gets drunk and violent? Surely it goes without saying that no kind of behaviour qualifies this kind of abuse. He has major issues but they are not yours to deal with. You have every right to live a happy life just as happy as anyone in your gymn class.

Do not shoulder the burden of your parent’s problems. One day you will be free and stronger for getting through these experiences and you will look back and realise that your parents where indeed at fault.
 

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