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guilt over suicidal thoughts

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sunshine0908

Member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Messages
9
Location
New york
*trigger warning at the end* I’ve been having an especially rough few weeks. I just am so angry and frustrated and sad. Being awake just feels like a drag and I feel uneasy at all times. I do have some negative things going on in my life but overall I do have a good life so I feel bad for feeling this way. Last night I couldn’t shake off the thought of just not wanting to wake up in the morning. I was thinking about how peaceful it would be to die. And I envisioned harming myself and being found in the morning in my bed. It wasn’t something I actually planned to do or want to do because I know it’s not the right decision for me. But I can’t stop feeling guilty about even thinking that way and now I’m thinking would I actually do it? Did I actually mean it? Why was I not being more positive?
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
2,748
Location
Nashua NH
I think suicidal thoughts are perfectly normal and a natural part of life so you shouldn’t feel down on yourself for having them. Everyone goes through low points in life. Where those thoughts get to be a problem is if they are recurring or you feel compelled to act on them. Often these bad feelings that we have are only fleeting and can be treated. Suicide attempts are often unsuccessful and end badly. Suicides that are completed don’t solve any problems just create more problems for those who are left behind. If your thoughts of suicide persist I would reach out for help from a crisis line, psychiatrist or therapist who should be able to help you work through them. Your safety is what is most important. We all have our low points but it sounds like you have an otherwise beautiful life. :hug:
 
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karl7

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2013
Messages
488
*trigger warning at the end* I’ve been having an especially rough few weeks. I just am so angry and frustrated and sad. Being awake just feels like a drag and I feel uneasy at all times. I do have some negative things going on in my life but overall I do have a good life so I feel bad for feeling this way. Last night I couldn’t shake off the thought of just not wanting to wake up in the morning. I was thinking about how peaceful it would be to die. And I envisioned harming myself and being found in the morning in my bed. It wasn’t something I actually planned to do or want to do because I know it’s not the right decision for me. But I can’t stop feeling guilty about even thinking that way and now I’m thinking would I actually do it? Did I actually mean it? Why was I not being more positive?
im sorry youre feeling this way sunshine......i used to suffer from suicidal depression but i got over that depression and you can too......you just need to take it easy as much you can and be aware the depression does lift....there is hope....when i was severely depressed i though t i would never get better but i did and you will too.....there is hope....by theway welcome to the forums
 
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LokiPokey75

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 1, 2020
Messages
256
Location
United States
Hi sunshine0908!

I've had suicidal thoughts too. It can be an incredibly devastating feeling, thinking that you serve no purpose and people would be better off without you. I don't know your situation, but like JessisMe said, your thoughts are normal. Seeking help from online therapy is a good start to addressing some of the issues causing these thoughts. If you'd like to learn a little more about the things you're feeling, I recommend the YouTube channel Psych2Go. I watched a beautiful video today discussing the signs of emotional numbness that might help you understand yourself a little better.

Know for one thing sunshine, you are not alone. You deserve a happy life. You just need to find the intrinsic motivation to get yourself up every day. Sometimes that means doing things that are scary, sometimes it means listening to your heart. Allow yourself to be scared, allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling.

As far as asking, "Why was I not being more positive?", positive thoughts don't just make negative thoughts go away. You need to address what you're feeling, otherwise positive thoughts will only cover the wound. Take some time to identify what's at the core of your feelings. Go beyond surface level. You'll learn some amazing things about yourself and get a better sense of who you actually are deep inside. It's the perfect time now to focus on you.

Have a great day and stay safe!
 
Nada Importa

Nada Importa

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
203
Location
Los Angeles
I don’t feel guilty for my suicidal thoughts. I feel I have every right to them no matter what others think. I wish I didn’t have these thoughts and would rather just sleep forever. There is nothing for me in this world!
 
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Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
559
Location
U.S.
What about it makes you feel guilt? Guilt is a feeling that you did something wrong. Is having a feeling ever wrong?
 
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sunshine0908

Member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Messages
9
Location
New york
Hi sunshine0908!

I've had suicidal thoughts too. It can be an incredibly devastating feeling, thinking that you serve no purpose and people would be better off without you. I don't know your situation, but like JessisMe said, your thoughts are normal. Seeking help from online therapy is a good start to addressing some of the issues causing these thoughts. If you'd like to learn a little more about the things you're feeling, I recommend the YouTube channel Psych2Go. I watched a beautiful video today discussing the signs of emotional numbness that might help you understand yourself a little better.

Know for one thing sunshine, you are not alone. You deserve a happy life. You just need to find the intrinsic motivation to get yourself up every day. Sometimes that means doing things that are scary, sometimes it means listening to your heart. Allow yourself to be scared, allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling.

As far as asking, "Why was I not being more positive?", positive thoughts don't just make negative thoughts go away. You need to address what you're feeling, otherwise positive thoughts will only cover the wound. Take some time to identify what's at the core of your feelings. Go beyond surface level. You'll learn some amazing things about yourself and get a better sense of who you actually are deep inside. It's the perfect time now to focus on you.

Have a great day and stay safe!
Sorry for such the late reply! I read people’s responses right away but am not the best at formulating a response back. Anyway, I totally agree with what you said about the positive thoughts only covering the wound. I had somewhat of a “tempter tantrum” the other day from a build up of stress and upsetting thoughts. I realized that I would refuse to let myself feel negative emotions because I thought they were bad, meanwhile, I should have been allowing myself to feel these things but just find a healthy way to do so.
 
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sunshine0908

Member
Joined
May 4, 2020
Messages
9
Location
New york
What about it makes you feel guilt? Guilt is a feeling that you did something wrong. Is having a feeling ever wrong?
I have such a huge guilt conscious and am super hard on myself. I felt guilty over these feelings and also feel guilty over other normal feelings such as if I get jealous of someone or get annoyed at someone for a valid reason. I have such trouble letting myself express feelings that are considered “negative” I guess I feel like it’s wrong of me and that I’m a bad person.

I recently read something that said to give yourself permission to feel what you feel and not label your emotions as negative or positive and just to be with them(but don’t react on them.) I’ve been trying to do that but it’s a process.
 
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EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
2,881
Location
USA
Very good ideas to not try to contain negative thoughts. That never quite works does it? 🥰 I think that an intrusive OCD thought on this topic is not the same as considering doing it, which is typically what is meant when people say they have thoughts of suicide. Your OCD might try to convince you you’re having the other kind, but you’re not. I’ve had the same type you’re describing and they really freaked me out too but I never wanted to do it and wouldn’t.
 
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