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Guilt from past / hyper sexuality as child

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Carolmicheals73727

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No. That's what anxiety is. An irrational fear of something that is unlikely to happen. The article I read that helped me said to accept the thing that causes anxiety could happen then you are able to see it rationally. If you can't do that then it might be best dealing with it in therapy.
Thank you so much for taking time out of your day/night to answer my many questions. I appreciate more than you know. I’m trying to not seek reassurance because it’s like my brain will rack my memory to find something else to obsess over once I get over the last one. This is probably my third of fourth bout of anxiety/ocd. I think what would really help is if I was also diagnosed with ocd. That way I could put into perspective as a disease and not ME. I think my doctor agrees that I have it but I haven’t really gone into depth with him how I need to. I may show him these posts when telehealth is over. I have these fears that I’ll never be able to live a normal life because I am attracted to my family or a pedophile. Kind of like my worst fears. I just don’t want to listen to everyone and the disease facts that say my brain is basically trying to play tricks on me, I want to think that I am this crazy person because it’s better than potentially lying to myself.
Thank you so much for your responses, now and in the past. Whoever you are, I hope more peace and happiness finds you in 2021.
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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I completely agree with you. I also did and I think most kids do. I’m fine with that as you are. I don’t know why I keep finding things to obsess over like that. I guess I just worry that I was actually older when I did that. I have no idea and I wish I did.
I should say that I have a feeling that when I watched that show a year ago it triggered the memory of being sexual and maybe it was false memory that made me think I was a bit older. I remember doing it more than once with the Dance Moms show or maybe the same day but different scenes. I don’t even know. It’s not the fact that I did that, it’s more so me wanting to know my exact age. Would it matter anymore if I was older than I think I was?
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

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Thank you so much for taking time out of your day/night to answer my many questions. I appreciate more than you know. I’m trying to not seek reassurance because it’s like my brain will rack my memory to find something else to obsess over once I get over the last one. This is probably my third of fourth bout of anxiety/ocd. I think what would really help is if I was also diagnosed with ocd. That way I could put into perspective as a disease and not ME. I think my doctor agrees that I have it but I haven’t really gone into depth with him how I need to. I may show him these posts when telehealth is over. I have these fears that I’ll never be able to live a normal life because I am attracted to my family or a pedophile. Kind of like my worst fears. I just don’t want to listen to everyone and the disease facts that say my brain is basically trying to play tricks on me, I want to think that I am this crazy person because it’s better than potentially lying to myself.
Thank you so much for your responses, now and in the past. Whoever you are, I hope more peace and happiness finds you in 2021.
I know what you mean. If you don't get to the root of the problem it will just transfer to something else. Validation from a professional can be helpful too. Takes time but you can get over it. I was quick to anger and scared of my own shadow. Now I'm calm as hindu cows.

I hope you find peace and happiness aswell.

During puberty when hormones are raging it's perfectly normal to not be thinking clearly and act out.
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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I know what you mean. If you don't get to the root of the problem it will just transfer to something else. Validation from a professional can be helpful too. Takes time but you can get over it. I was quick to anger and scared of my own shadow. Now I'm calm as hindu cows.

I hope you find peace and happiness aswell.

During puberty when hormones are raging it's perfectly normal to not be thinking clearly and act out.
You are completely right. I didn’t even think about it being around the time of puberty and raging hormones. I’m sure all of us have done similar things. I saw nothing wrong with it then so there probably isn’t much wrong with it now other than it makes me feel weird not knowing my age. In fact the other day it crossed my mind and I didn’t even give it much thought until I started playing like a guessing game of who I was/am. I was young 11-14 probably and they were 10-13. I think if someone said that’s normal and it’s not like I’m older now and watch that kind of stuff or think it would be ok to watch that now, then it would help. I don’t know. I think when the ocd calms down I will go back to not really caring, as I should.
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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TW: Child sexuality.

Ugh. I woke up this morning kind of early for my preference and I think I had some intrusive thoughts about this kind of stuff and other things. I brushed them off and I was tired so I went back to bed. Well, I had a horrible dream that I was like pleasuring myself and thoughts of some kind of children came up, I’m not sure where it came from and what not but from what I’m remembering I was already in the middle of that episode when that stuff presented itself. It was like mental images I think? Maybe there was a box of something laying around and children’s faces were on it. I don’t know. Makes me sick. But even in the dream I was like wait, this is really weird?? How am I going to explain this one on here?? And I woke up for a second thinking that I had done that fully aware and conscious. I know a lot of people have nightmares like this with intrusive thoughts and obviously it’s not random as we’ve been discussing this topic on this forum. The other day I even replied to someone who had the intrusive thoughts and dreams to follow. I know it’s common for people. The thing is why in the past two dreams do I recognize I have a moral code? I’m not attracted to children, and it disturbs me to think I was in that dream. It like tricks me into thinking I am. I hate this. I suppose my question is; why did I recognize the behavior as wrong and then proceed to do it in the dream????
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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TW: Child sexuality.

Ugh. I woke up this morning kind of early for my preference and I think I had some intrusive thoughts about this kind of stuff and other things. I brushed them off and I was tired so I went back to bed. Well, I had a horrible dream that I was like pleasuring myself and thoughts of some kind of children came up, I’m not sure where it came from and what not but from what I’m remembering I was already in the middle of that episode when that stuff presented itself. It was like mental images I think? Maybe there was a box of something laying around and children’s faces were on it. I don’t know. Makes me sick. But even in the dream I was like wait, this is really weird?? How am I going to explain this one on here?? And I woke up for a second thinking that I had done that fully aware and conscious. I know a lot of people have nightmares like this with intrusive thoughts and obviously it’s not random as we’ve been discussing this topic on this forum. The other day I even replied to someone who had the intrusive thoughts and dreams to follow. I know it’s common for people. The thing is why in the past two dreams do I recognize I have a moral code? I’m not attracted to children, and it disturbs me to think I was in that dream. It like tricks me into thinking I am. I hate this. I suppose my question is; why did I recognize the behavior as wrong and then proceed to do it in the dream????
Can anyone offer their analysis?
 
GeminiMoon

GeminiMoon

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Like you said what you think about is often what we dream about. If you play video games all day you dream about playing that game. When I was dealing with past trauma I also had a strong feeling that I dealt with issues in my sleep, even though I'd not remembered them. I'd wake up with a new perspective. Obviously this stuff is very disturbing for you. So I'd say your subconscious is helping you work it out in your dreams. I used to have falling dreams regularly and I'm terrified of heights. Eventually I got so sick of it when it came to taking a plunge I went with it. I didn't wake up and hit the road. Got up slowly bruised all over. Since then I haven't had so much problem with falling dreams. I still don't enjoy them but it's not as freightening as it used to be.

A box could represent a part of yourself that is closed off by this event that occurred a long time ago. Or a box can be something concealed as you said you feel you need to tell people what happened or you are lying to them. It's something shameful for you. Before I was 11 I didn't really have any friends because I barely spoke. Then I changed schools and suddenly I was popular. I didn't even know why. My friends would pick this other kid because he had a large head. I didn't get why and I knew what it was like to be on the other side of that. I didn't try to stop them either. One day a teacher got involved. I was always bigger and more mature than my peers so the teacher looked to me to explain the situation. I didn't want to lose my friends, so I lied to the teacher and said the other boy started it. I still remember his face as he started to cry. He was picked on often and then was blamed for it. He struggled through high school too. On my side I had two alcoholic parents with a sociopath brother. Not trying to give excuses but just to put it in perspective I wasn't really in my right mind either. If I could go back and do it over I would. I wish i'd stood up to my friends and told them to quit being assholes. But I can't so only way I can forgive myself for that is to extend that forgiveness to everyone else. Then I can let it go. We all have things that we want to forgive ourselves for and they play on our minds until we can.
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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Like you said what you think about is often what we dream about. If you play video games all day you dream about playing that game. When I was dealing with past trauma I also had a strong feeling that I dealt with issues in my sleep, even though I'd not remembered them. I'd wake up with a new perspective. Obviously this stuff is very disturbing for you. So I'd say your subconscious is helping you work it out in your dreams. I used to have falling dreams regularly and I'm terrified of heights. Eventually I got so sick of it, when it came to taking the plunge I went with it. Since then I haven't had so much problem with falling dreams. I still don't enjoy them but it's not as freightening as it used to be.

A box could represent a part of yourself that is closed off by this event that occurred a long time ago. Or a box can be something concealed as you said you feel you need to tell people what happened or you are lying to them. It's something shameful for you. Before I was 11 I didn't really have any friends because I barely spoke. Then I changed schools and suddenly I was popular. I didn't even know why. My friends would pick this other kid because he had a large head. I didn't get why and I knew what it was like to be on the other side of that. I didn't try to stop them either. One day a teacher got involved. I was always bigger and more mature than my peers so the teacher looked to me to explain the situation. I didn't want to lose my friends, so I lied to the teacher and said the other boy started it. I still remember his face as he started to cry. He was picked on often and then was blamed for it. He struggled through high school too. On my side I had two alcoholic parents with a sociopath brother. Not trying to give excuses but just to put it in perspective I wasn't really in my right mind either. If I could go back and do it over I would. I wish i'd stood up to my friends and told them to quit being assholes. But I can't so only way I can forgive myself for that is to extend that forgiveness to everyone else. Then I can let it go. We all have things that we want to forgive ourselves for and they play on our minds until we can.
I appreciate your reply more than you know :) My subconscious working it out on in my dreams could be so true. I think I’ve kind of thought about that. I am just worried that my subconscious is attracted to children when in reality it may be my worst nightmare quite literally playing out. It disturbs me that I knew what I was doing in my dream to be weird and immoral. That makes me think my dream state was more conscious than I think or I was fully aware of my actions. I have had nightmares of incest. I’ve had all sorts of nightmares. It disturbs me that I was aroused. Even if I think that the children or whatever it even was because I honestly couldn’t be sure, it might’ve quite literally been my own mental imagery, it seemed like it popped up while I was in the moment. I’ve heard of many people having intrusive thoughts during sex. In fact, there was even a “Friends” episode of the male stars accidentally thinking of their mothers and then they couldn’t get it off their mind. My dogs might of even showed up in the dream. The reason I say “mental imagery” is because I looked up the “Dance Moms inappropriate dance” because I wanted to see what year it aired. I was trying to help myself figure out my age or narrow it down. So I was thinking that mental imagery could have been on my mind or I could have remembered it in my dream because I saw the costume of one of the girls when I looked the show up.

But anyway, I feel like in the scenario you presented, which is completely normal and something most kids and adults go through, including the victim, you were sort of a perpetrator. Objectively, do you think what I did was wrong and could be compared to that incident? When you say that we have things we could forgive ourselves for, does that mean there was something in my situation that I need to forgive myself for to begin with? I kind of got the gist from the comments that the behavior was normal. I could never forgive myself if I was a pedophile
 
GeminiMoon

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Well I'll tell you my impression from the start. You were acting provocatively to get attention from the dance moms because of whatever happened to you in the past. Which is normal. I was attracted to all friends mother's, teachers and acted out aswell. But in the dance class you were basically corrupting, for lack of a better word, those other girls by teaching them how to behave provocatively for the enjoyment of adults. Which I have a feeling you were aware of but did it anyway and now it is playing on your mind. I could be wrong. But instead you are jumping to the extreme by saying that makes you a pedophile. Which isn't possible because you were a child yourself. Your age doesn't really matter. Now it is almost like you are convincing yourself of it and getting yourself all worked up. Nobody has a pedophile subconscious. Doesn't exist. Nightmares sound like they could be ptsd which would be unresolved and repressed trauma aswell.
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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Well I'll tell you my impression from the start. You were acting provocatively to get attention from the dance moms because of whatever happened to you in the past. Which is normal. I was attracted to all friends mother's, teachers and acted out aswell. But in the dance class you were basically corrupting, for lack of a better word, those other girls by teaching them how to behave provocatively for the enjoyment of adults. Which I have a feeling you were aware of but did it anyway and now it is playing on your mind. I could be wrong. But instead you are jumping to the extreme by saying that makes you a pedophile. Which isn't possible because you were a child yourself. Your age doesn't really matter. Now it is almost like you are convincing yourself of it and getting yourself all worked up. Nobody has a pedophile subconscious. Doesn't exist. Nightmares sound like they could be ptsd which would be unresolved and repressed trauma aswell.
This helps me so much. You are a kind person for continuing to reply to my ridiculous inquiries.

I never really went through any trauma as far as I’m aware of. I was always very hyper sexual. I think when I was a young kid (1st and 2nd grade, perhaps younger) and was projecting my sexuality onto family members, I was later tormented by those ideas when in reality they were normal events for kids to go through. I think my phrasing may have been confusing. Dance Moms is this stupid American reality tv show. What do you mean that no one has a pedophile subconscious? Wouldn’t people who abuse young children have that subconscious?
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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This helps me so much. You are a kind person for continuing to reply to my ridiculous inquiries.

I never really went through any trauma as far as I’m aware of. I was always very hyper sexual. I think when I was a young kid (1st and 2nd grade, perhaps younger) and was projecting my sexuality onto family members, I was later tormented by those ideas when in reality they were normal events for kids to go through. I think my phrasing may have been confusing. Dance Moms is this stupid American reality tv show. What do you mean that no one has a pedophile subconscious? Wouldn’t people who abuse young children have that subconscious?
But I suppose that my miscommunication about the TV show and your misinterpretation doesn’t really change what you said about me not being a pedophile?
 
GeminiMoon

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No I am 100% sure you aren't. Were you ignored at home? That could explain your trying to get attention from family members.

Pedophiles would be consciously aware of what they are doing is wrong. They can also consciously decide not to do that. So pedophile subconscious is not a thing.
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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No I am 100% sure you aren't. Were you ignored at home? That could explain your trying to get attention from family members.

Pedophiles would be consciously aware of what they are doing is wrong. They can also consciously decide not to do that. So pedophile subconscious is not a thing.
Ohhh, I see what you are saying! Again, your words are so kind and help me. I need to stop with the reassurance seeking but this is one issue I can’t really move past. As for my home life, my parents were always very involved and after I developed ocd as a young kid I would cry to mom and like “confess” all the crap I thought. She would comfort me. I understand not wanting to put a young kid on medication. That’s also what worries me; a lot of people have had things happen to them and then develop mental illnesses. They are a victim. I feel like a perpetrator. I don’t know.
 
GeminiMoon

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You had OCD as a young child? That is interesting. My gf was left in a car as a young child and almost died from heat. It left her with physical problems and at times dizzyness. If it's not trauma or neglect then you could be a victim of biology and with your dancing a society that peddles overly sexualised things like music videos to children. Perhaps.
 
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Carolmicheals73727

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You had OCD as a young child? That is interesting. My gf was left in a car as a young child and almost died from heat. It left her with physical problems and at times dizzyness. If it's not trauma or neglect then you could be a victim of biology and with your dancing a society that peddles overly sexualised things like music videos to children. Perhaps.
That’s very true. It is a chemical imbalance. Yes, I remember being young and looking up “sex” on a computer. I only saw images. I also remember stealing a family members “Men’s Health” magazines when I was young, they had the occasion like Playboy girl (dressed very sexy) and I loved it. My mom discovered I was very curious and locked the parental controls on the television and would turn the WiFi off. I also didn’t get a phone until I was 15 or 16. I would buy myself iPods Touch’s. Lol. But yah, they love me very much despite me putting them through hell in my pre teen and teen years. I was very angry and had huge violent fits of rage. Most of which were projected towards my mom. Or whoever pissed me off enough. Eventually landed myself in a psychiatric facility for children. My mom and I have an incredible bond now.
 

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