Guilt from past / hyper sexuality as child

[Carolmicheals73727]

I will preface this by apologizing for all of my posts in the last two days. I have been very needy on here and almost always get replies and the help I am looking for. I appreciate it so much and it has helped me greatly. I am struggling a lot with guilt from past. My ocd flip flops from intrusive thoughts to contamination to guilt. If I have to have it I wish it would be steady.

The next paragraph will address my sexuality as a child/preteen. I understand if you stop reading right now. Completely ok.

So, if you have read my last couple of posts, you can likely put together that I have been feeling immense guilt from things I did as a hypersexual kid. It haunts me in a way I would wish on no one. I fear I will never be in a relationship or be able to be physical with men. For reference, I am an 18 year old female.

So, here is my current mental crisis:

Growing up in the 2000’s and doing ballet, I loved the show “Dance Moms”; the girls on the show were the same age as me. I remember one particular episode, they did a very provocative performance. I remember, as a kid, pleasuring myself to it. I’m sure this is uncomfortable to read but it’s also uncomfortable for me to say. This may have happened more than once and I saw no problem with it during or after I did it. I was young, they were probably a year or two younger than me. I think the memory of this cake back up when I decided to watch dance moms again like a year ago. I’m sure this is normal behavior in children. I’m just worried about the ratio of my age to theirs. What if I’m not remembering correctly and I was like 14–not 11 or 12??? Those girls were probably 10 and 11. I don’t know, it seemed so normal to me. I think when I thought it about watching a year ago—the question came up in my mind about my age and that’s when I started questioning it. Obviously too young to know that it would be weird??? There’s so many things I did as a kid that I worry so much about. I second guess who I was and what I’m attracted to. Do I need to keep like “confessing” all of my stories that may be a little bit abnormal for kids to watch and get off on??? I feel like if I don’t then I’m lying to whoever tells me I’m a good person or tries to tell me I’m not a disgusting creature. I remember looking up breast feeding and watching that to get off on. It wasn’t about the baby or anything incredibly dangerous like that. It was like I was sneaking a peak at her boobs or something. I have no idea. I think I was maybe 12. I wish I knew my exact age. Please leave a reply..

 

[Zero One]

I was molested since being an infant, so I sometimes wanted to have consensual relationships with other children (boy or girl) when I was a child. I really liked some men too and wanted to be sexually intimate with them but later learned somehow that adult males are off limits, and it caused me to feel regret. I felt guilt whenever I was molested but whenever it was consensual I did not. I stopped the guilt by resolving it with anger. I had a long period of celibacy in my adolescence, and have deep regret of this lately in my periods of long psychosis.

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

I was molested since being an infant, so I sometimes wanted to have consensual relationships with other children (boy or girl) when I was a child. I really liked some men too and wanted to be sexually intimate with them but later learned somehow that adult males are off limits, and it caused me to feel regret. I felt guilt whenever I was molested but whenever it was consensual I did not. I stopped the guilt by resolving it with anger. I had a long period of celibacy in my adolescence, and have deep regret of this lately in my periods of long psychosis.

I am so sorry you struggle with this. I had horrible fits of rage in my pre teen and teen years so I understand when you say you resolved it with anger. I have only ever kissed a boy and it was a quick peck. I’m thinking things could change when I go to college. I’m hoping.

 

[GeminiMoon]

The best rule to live by is to treat other people the way you like to be treated. When you do that then you can treat yourself the way you treat others. So if you can forgive other people for the things they have done, then you can forgive yourself. Then you don't need to confess anything. You can look back on your life without judgement and view it as important lessons you had to go through to become who you are.

 

[Zero One]

I have to correct what I posted a little I wasn't thinking correctly. I always knew that adult men were off limits but still liked and wanted older men.

 

[Zackthemaniac]

I will preface this by apologizing for all of my posts in the last two days. I have been very needy on here and almost always get replies and the help I am looking for. I appreciate it so much and it has helped me greatly. I am struggling a lot with guilt from past. My ocd flip flops from intrusive thoughts to contamination to guilt. If I have to have it I wish it would be steady.

The next paragraph will address my sexuality as a child/preteen. I understand if you stop reading right now. Completely ok.

So, if you have read my last couple of posts, you can likely put together that I have been feeling immense guilt from things I did as a hypersexual kid. It haunts me in a way I would wish on no one. I fear I will never be in a relationship or be able to be physical with men. For reference, I am an 18 year old female.

So, here is my current mental crisis:

Growing up in the 2000’s and doing ballet, I loved the show “Dance Moms”; the girls on the show were the same age as me. I remember one particular episode, they did a very provocative performance. I remember, as a kid, pleasuring myself to it. I’m sure this is uncomfortable to read but it’s also uncomfortable for me to say. This may have happened more than once and I saw no problem with it during or after I did it. I was young, they were probably a year or two younger than me. I think the memory of this cake back up when I decided to watch dance moms again like a year ago. I’m sure this is normal behavior in children. I’m just worried about the ratio of my age to theirs. What if I’m not remembering correctly and I was like 14–not 11 or 12??? Those girls were probably 10 and 11. I don’t know, it seemed so normal to me. I think when I thought it about watching a year ago—the question came up in my mind about my age and that’s when I started questioning it. Obviously too young to know that it would be weird??? There’s so many things I did as a kid that I worry so much about. I second guess who I was and what I’m attracted to. Do I need to keep like “confessing” all of my stories that may be a little bit abnormal for kids to watch and get off on??? I feel like if I don’t then I’m lying to whoever tells me I’m a good person or tries to tell me I’m not a disgusting creature. I remember looking up breast feeding and watching that to get off on. It wasn’t about the baby or anything incredibly dangerous like that. It was like I was sneaking a peak at her boobs or something. I have no idea. I think I was maybe 12. I wish I knew my exact age. Please leave a reply..

You were young and they were around your same age, nothing to feel guilty about. Very sorry for everything you went through. I think its important to share these things to unburden yourself and get closure. Just make sure to put TW in the title to warn people.

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

The best rule to live by is to treat other people the way you like to be treated. When you do that then you can treat yourself the way you treat others. So if you can forgive other people for the things they have done, then you can forgive yourself. Then you don't need to confess anything. You can look back on your life without judgement and view it as important lessons you had to go through to become who you are.

I appreciate your reply I think for me, moving on and accepting things cannot be done if I don’t know or can’t tell myself that they don’t make me a pedophile or some horrible human being.

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

You were young and they were around your same age, nothing to feel guilty about. Very sorry for everything you went through. I think its important to share these things to unburden yourself and get closure. Just make sure to put TW in the title to warn people.

Thank you so much for your response!!! That’s what I was thinking but I convince myself the absolute worst. Sorry about the lack of a tw, I thought the first and second paragraph was enough. I will definitely do that next time. I’m assuming because I’m talking about childhood sexuality?

 

[Zackthemaniac]

Thank you so much for your response!!! That’s what I was thinking but I convince myself the absolute worst. Sorry about the lack of a tw, I thought the first and second paragraph was enough. I will definitely do that next time. I’m assuming because I’m talking about childhood sexuality?

Its a good policy for detailed posts about any kind of abuse, but yes childhood sexuality is especially tender for a lot of people. Anytime you're down on yourself feel free to post and get feedback. Its always good to remind yourself its not as bad as you think

 

[Zoe1]

I had some ' episodes ' with other children when I was a child
they were the same age as me
so I don't feel bad about it

 

[GeminiMoon]

I don’t know or can’t tell myself that they don’t make me a pedophile or some horrible human being.

That's a bit extreme. But it's difficult for everybody to move on from their past if they don't accept they have a dark side like everyone else. Things play on our mind endlessly until we do.

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

That's a bit extreme. But it's difficult for everybody to move on from their past if they don't accept they have a dark side like everyone else. Things play on our mind endlessly until we do.

Well is it extreme or could it be true? I could not live with myself

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

Well is it extreme or could it be true? I could not live with myself

I’m ok with having a dark side but not if it were to involve being a pedophile or something horrid.

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

I had some ' episodes ' with other children when I was a child
they were the same age as me
so I don't feel bad about it

I completely agree with you. I also did and I think most kids do. I’m fine with that as you are. I don’t know why I keep finding things to obsess over like that. I guess I just worry that I was actually older when I did that. I have no idea and I wish I did.

 

[GeminiMoon]

Well is it extreme or could it be true? I could not live with myself

No. That's what anxiety is. An irrational fear of something that is unlikely to happen. The article I read that helped me said to accept the thing that causes anxiety could happen then you are able to see it rationally. If you can't do that then it might be best dealing with it in therapy.