Guilt about racist past

[srenz5821]

I know that as I also suffer from ocd with a focus on real events. I have tried to find ways to accept the errors I made and live with my actions to improve myself in the future.

Real event ocd sounds like what I am going through right now. I've never been formally diagnosed, but I know I've had crazy obsessions in the past. My compulsion, if it counts, is looking things up online for reassurance. But sometimes that search condemns me more.

 

[alloy]

I think your honesty in sharing this is important and really positive.

I said some pretty rotten things when I was younger, I think about it a lot too, and it can be hard to not get stuck on it. I had a lot of friends and peers who were doing the same then. All of the ones I'm still in touch with have grown out of it and talk to each other sometimes about how we used to be. I think we can condemn our past actions without also condemning who we are right now. People can grow a lot, and it sounds like you have in a really great way. We can recognize that even if we're the same person that did something we regret, we may have a completely different perspective on it now, and might know we would never repeat it.

Personally, I don't usually feel the need to confess or discuss how I was to people that history isn't immediately relevant to. I think with anxiety and guilt can come a need for penance, but I think most people we meet aren't interested in holding us accountable for our whole past, just who we are right now and who we will be going forward.

 

[ramboghettouk]

i don't know about racism some leftie pc types would probably call me that, i'm more concerned as someone with schitzoprenia about your language relating to that

 

[ramboghettouk]

i don't know about racism some leftie pc types would probably call me that, i'm more concerned as someone with schitzoprenia about your language relating to that

you say your worried about racism and developing schitzo are you saying schitzos are racist

 

[JeanPierre]

Hi! srenz, what you are describing is not racism. Nor have you, yourself, suddenly become a raging, hiding-under-the-radar 'racist'.

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. Worrying like that is horrible and a trap that can become a weird habit.
Beating yourself up over every little thing; especially your 'racist past' is ridiculous, right?

You made a mistake with a word that should not be used but is used all the time in the entertainment industry. Your siblings called you on it.
That is the end of that story.
Please understand that.

Be kind to yourself. Get some rest. You are safe and okay. No guilt trip is needed.

 

[ramboghettouk]

are you saying i'm a raging hiding under the radar racist? i'm a bit sensitive, i pride myself that as a schitzo i might not fit in with modern pc attitudes but that neither would i have fitted in when racism was pc.

 

[JeanPierre]

Well, Rambo, after now reading the whole thread.....that would be a no.

Of course I'm not a lefty, pc type (as you succiently put it) so you could be in a tad of danger that I'm not aware of, yet. That raging and hiding thing can be tricky you know. Not to infer that you may know.

I pray I have left your sensibilities intact.

 

[JeanPierre]

it. Is a therapist an appropriate avenue for this? I've never seen one for mainly money reasons (I'm an uninsured student) and I don't know if this type of conversation is appropriate for a therapist. I have been

You should be eligible for Medicaid. Your school has advisors.
There are good medical places, including therapists, that work on a sliding scale according to income.
Please don't be shy. You got this! Peace today!

 

[srenz5821]

Hi! srenz, what you are describing is not racism. Nor have you, yourself, suddenly become a raging, hiding-under-the-radar 'racist'.

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. Worrying like that is horrible and a trap that can become a weird habit.
Beating yourself up over every little thing; especially your 'racist past' is ridiculous, right?

You made a mistake with a word that should not be used but is used all the time in the entertainment industry. Your siblings called you on it.
That is the end of that story.
Please understand that.

Be kind to yourself. Get some rest. You are safe and okay. No guilt trip is needed.

Thank you @JeanPierre . It means a lot. IDK why it's so hard to release this from me. It literally gives me panic attacks. I keep seeing photos/videos of the people who stormed the capitol getting arrested. And something in my brain says, "yeah that's pretty much you." But thank you for your kind words. I will apply some loving kindness to myself

 

[alloy]

I can really relate to that kind of of anxiety. What helps me is to look at lists of cognitive distortions used in cognitive behavioral therapy, and try to see if I can identify my current thoughts as being one of them. one of the biggest for me is mental filtering, which for me can look like focusing on one negative and discounting everything else, like thinking 'this one bad thing is all I am.' Another big one for me, which is often connected, is labeling. like reducing my entire self to a concept like "Liar" that ignores all of the times I've been the opposite.

 

[ramboghettouk]

they're closing this mental health group i use, but have money for various ethnic groups and i'm been told often enough it's different you've got an illness

if those are racist thoughts guilty

in socialist land they'd tax the rich to pay for all sorts of groups to them it's not an issue

 

[JeanPierre]

they're closing this mental health group i use, but have money for various ethnic groups and i'm been told often enough it's different you've got an illness

if those are racist thoughts guilty

in socialist land they'd tax the rich to pay for all sorts of groups to them it's not an issue

I hear you.
I'm so sorry.

 

[ramboghettouk]

when i said brent council had no money my brother said probably spent it on unisex toilets i was at the kiln theatre were brent council have spent a million and theres a gender neutral toilet

 

[JeanPierre]

when i said brent council had no money my brother said probably spent it on unisex toilets i was at the kiln theatre were brent council have spent a million and theres a gender neutral toilet

So where will you go for therapy, I wonder?

 

[ramboghettouk]

therapy i wouldn't call it that i think the title was mentoring peer support group, i had a volunteeer. with mental health issues himself you could see the self harm scars and we'd have a zoom meeting once a week on top of him visiting, i found him patronising anyway