Guilt about racist past

[DanL15000]

I see what you are saying about the cancel culture and social justice warrior terms, but I feel like this person may not really realize those are terms often used by the disrespectful alt-right. I actually didn’t know cancel culture was sort of a derogatory term until I heard more and more dumbasses use it. This user likely had no malicious intent behind it. Especially based on their intense fear of being racist or imperfect. I don’t think we need to speculate on someone who is obviously struggling for misusing some terms. All the best to you and it is incredibly kind of you to help others out

I understand. But my intent was to educate, not speculate.

Same back at you for your kindness.

There was a story, news, back in my home state of Iowa a few years back. Some kids in a small town went out into a backyard, around a swing set. Some dressed up like Klansmen and they took pictures of hanging up a noose, pointing guns...

They thought it was funny, and posted it on social media. They were old enough as I recall that one was on the high school football team.

I got involved on the town's site, not condemning the kids but asking what the school and town were going to do about it?

I was given answers like, the towns one black resident felt like it was a nice town. Stuff like that.

Nobody was brought to the town to speak to the school. Nothing serious was done about the thing. Now, I suspect the kids learned a valuable lesson from the social media backlash. But the town, where something in the culture is a little screwed up? I don't think a thing was fixed.

I'm not worried about our young friend here, except that there are going to be people all his life that test him for his opinions and if they think they can make a hater of him, they will.

 

[srenz5821]

I’m sure every single one of us have been racist or ignorant about race, class, and culture. We learn from it. We make up for it. We move on. Remember that one day in the future this idea and these words and your pure O will just be a memory. Something you conquered. I’m so confident that your counselor will help you through this and maybe some medication will help. All the best.

Thank you. You and this board have been my only "counselors" so far and I appreciate your input.

 

[DanL15000]

I'm trying to make things right. Do you think that confessing to my friends is simply a mechanism for absolving my guilt? I know guilt is an OCD theme, but I also deserve to feel guilt. I've never even considered confessing to them. But reading your post makes me want to just confess and rip the band aid off already. But I don't know if I'm being selfish.

I don't think it has to be, "Listen, I'm bad because...". I think it's more like, "Guys, one time I did something really dumb, I was trying to be funny and...."

Don't you think it would be better than these politicians who hope no one ever finds out that they once put on blackface?

Celebrate your stupidity my friend! We've all done something dumb. If your friends are friends they won't sock you in the jaw, they will tell you that it was dumb, and move on. Someday, someone brings it up you can say, "Yeah, I know, and so does everyone because I told them."

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

I have seen some of your comments about feeling like you are selfish or it would be selfish to confess your past remarks to your friends. While that is a good point, ultimately, you want your friends to know who you are as a person. You don’t want them to be blindsided if it were to ever “come out” (which it would not). It would just so happen that it would help you with that fear. The fact that you are asking another user if it would be selfish to present your guilt to others so they can validate it means you do really care about their feelings and wellbeing. Maybe it is a bit selfish. Think about this odd concept. We do good things in life because we want to feel good. Yes, we care for others. But it also makes us feel good about ourselves in turn.

 

[srenz5821]

Celebrate your stupidity my friend! We've all done something dumb. If your friends are friends they won't sock you in the jaw, they will tell you that it was dumb, and move on. Someday, someone brings it up you can say, "Yeah, I know, and so does everyone because I told them."

Wow. Thank you so much for this insight. I haven't felt this much hope since ... May 2020. You're making a 26 year old imbecile cry in front of his computer haha Thank you. You have a wise perspective and you have a ton of good karma coming your way.

 

[srenz5821]

You don’t want them to be blindsided if it were to ever “come out” (which it would not). It would just so happen that it would help you with that fear. The fact that you are asking another user if it would be selfish to present your guilt to others so they can validate it means you do really care about their feelings and wellbeing. Maybe it is a bit selfish. Think about this odd concept. We do good things in life because we want to feel good. Yes, we care for others. But it also makes us feel good about ourselves in turn.

Thank you so much. You and @DanL15000 have given me hope. I've lost hair over this haha. Thanks to you two, I can actually look forward to life a little now.

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

Thank you so much. You and @DanL15000 have given me hope. I've lost hair over this haha. Thanks to you two, I can actually look forward to life a little now.

Absolutely! Feel free to private message me on here. You are not alone. You will be all good. <3

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

I understand. But my intent was to educate, not speculate.

Same back at you for your kindness.

There was a story, news, back in my home state of Iowa a few years back. Some kids in a small town went out into a backyard, around a swing set. Some dressed up like Klansmen and they took pictures of hanging up a noose, pointing guns...

They thought it was funny, and posted it on social media. They were old enough as I recall that one was on the high school football team.

I got involved on the town's site, not condemning the kids but asking what the school and town were going to do about it?

I was given answers like, the towns one black resident felt like it was a nice town. Stuff like that.

Nobody was brought to the town to speak to the school. Nothing serious was done about the thing. Now, I suspect the kids learned a valuable lesson from the social media backlash. But the town, where something in the culture is a little screwed up? I don't think a thing was fixed.

I'm not worried about our young friend here, except that there are going to be people all his life that test him for his opinions and if they think they can make a hater of him, they will.

Completely agree. There are horror stories like this across the U.S. Kids and adults who violently attack people of color. We hear about these types of things at least twice a year. You using foul language when you were younger and being stupid is absolutely not comparable to the actual racists across the world. Be kind to yourself. You’ve more than made up for it.

 

[Jam1990]

Hi,

As I write this I am in tears and incredibly disgusted by myself. My hands are sweaty and I feel close to puking. I'll just get to the point as quickly as possible. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but I am certain I have it. My sister has been diagnosed with pure O. In the past, I've been obsessed and deadly afraid of developing schizophrenia and spent hundreds of hours researching it. I've had obsessions relating to fitness and fears of dying due to cardiac disease which led me to viciously count calories and exercise and check my heart. I've had other strange obsessions too that don't matter for today's discussion. Now, I am guilty and obsessed over something I wrote in the past. This guilt and shame has been going on for about 9 months and was sparked by the events of 2020.

Basically over 5 years ago I created a group chat named the nword with the hard ending. I was 21 years old. It included me and my siblings. They immediately called me out on it saying it was racist, and I just said "how?" because I was trying to be edgy and funny. I am a latin person, so i do not have the right to say that word. I don't know why I created that group and named it that. I was trying to be edgy and create shock value. I thought it was a joke. But there was no joke there. Really, I was just being a damn racist and perpetuating a word that has terrible meaning with violent historical consequences.

I've never said that word to a person of color. I do want to say that I do not hate anyone of any race. You can still, however, be racist without hating people. I was racist by what I did. My best friends are black, and they would probably be ashamed of me and leave me forever if they found out I wrote that. Back then, they gave me the "nword pass" probably because I am latin and close to them. They used to jokingly call me beaner and wetback, so we used to have a joking relationship with race. But that doesn't give me the right to write what I did.

Now, I am terribly afraid of that group chat being published by one of my siblings onto social media calling me out. I am going to have a somewhat prolific and public career, so I would be immediately ostracized. I would lose my job and be stuck in tons of debt. I would lose my reputation. And in today's world with cancel culture, I'd seriously be done for.

In 2016, I realized that I need to stop saying the nword even if my friends were okay with it. I made a vow to never say it again and check myself. Since then, I haven't said the word once and cringe at my past self for the stupid things I used to say. I consider myself a liberal, and have a person close to me that is transgender. I fully support that person and have helped them during surgeries, etc. I guess what I'm trying to prove to myself is that I am not "one of those" conservative hillbillies. During the George Floyd protests, I joined them and supported the movement. But what good does that do if I used to say despicable things?

Now, I am incredibly guilty of that stupid group chat I created. I wake with fear at 2 AM checking to see if I have been called out publicly by my siblings. I constantly check their social media. I constantly think about what I did. I feel guilt all the time. I punish myself. I read and follow people of color's social media accounts to try to purify and learn/educate more about race and racism. I've read books on race now. My siblings are somewhat social justice warriors, so they would hate someone like the old me. I reached out to them a while ago and confessed that I used to be racist and I am deeply ashamed of myself. They told me that it was good that I decided to grow as a person and realize my wrongs. But I cannot overcome my guilt. I am going to a therapist soon, but can I confess this thing I did in the past? Or would they be disgusted by me?

While many people in this forum write things like "Am I a bad person?" - most of the times the answer is no because their mental illness is controlling them. But in this case, I objectively wrote something disgusting and I am a terrible hateful person. I don't know what I'm writing on here for. Is there any way for me to stop obsessing with this?

I believe that a bad person wouldn’t feel bad about making the mistake. So I think that you’re a good person because it really seems to be affecting you greatly. I would say that you should start learning to forgive yourself for this mistake that you made. We all make mistakes and it seems like you’ve learned from yours. I would just keep doing as much good as possible and try to be easy on yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

Hi,

As I write this I am in tears and incredibly disgusted by myself. My hands are sweaty and I feel close to puking. I'll just get to the point as quickly as possible. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but I am certain I have it. My sister has been diagnosed with pure O. In the past, I've been obsessed and deadly afraid of developing schizophrenia and spent hundreds of hours researching it. I've had obsessions relating to fitness and fears of dying due to cardiac disease which led me to viciously count calories and exercise and check my heart. I've had other strange obsessions too that don't matter for today's discussion. Now, I am guilty and obsessed over something I wrote in the past. This guilt and shame has been going on for about 9 months and was sparked by the events of 2020.

Basically over 5 years ago I created a group chat named the nword with the hard ending. I was 21 years old. It included me and my siblings. They immediately called me out on it saying it was racist, and I just said "how?" because I was trying to be edgy and funny. I am a latin person, so i do not have the right to say that word. I don't know why I created that group and named it that. I was trying to be edgy and create shock value. I thought it was a joke. But there was no joke there. Really, I was just being a damn racist and perpetuating a word that has terrible meaning with violent historical consequences.

I've never said that word to a person of color. I do want to say that I do not hate anyone of any race. You can still, however, be racist without hating people. I was racist by what I did. My best friends are black, and they would probably be ashamed of me and leave me forever if they found out I wrote that. Back then, they gave me the "nword pass" probably because I am latin and close to them. They used to jokingly call me beaner and wetback, so we used to have a joking relationship with race. But that doesn't give me the right to write what I did.

Now, I am terribly afraid of that group chat being published by one of my siblings onto social media calling me out. I am going to have a somewhat prolific and public career, so I would be immediately ostracized. I would lose my job and be stuck in tons of debt. I would lose my reputation. And in today's world with cancel culture, I'd seriously be done for.

In 2016, I realized that I need to stop saying the nword even if my friends were okay with it. I made a vow to never say it again and check myself. Since then, I haven't said the word once and cringe at my past self for the stupid things I used to say. I consider myself a liberal, and have a person close to me that is transgender. I fully support that person and have helped them during surgeries, etc. I guess what I'm trying to prove to myself is that I am not "one of those" conservative hillbillies. During the George Floyd protests, I joined them and supported the movement. But what good does that do if I used to say despicable things?

Now, I am incredibly guilty of that stupid group chat I created. I wake with fear at 2 AM checking to see if I have been called out publicly by my siblings. I constantly check their social media. I constantly think about what I did. I feel guilt all the time. I punish myself. I read and follow people of color's social media accounts to try to purify and learn/educate more about race and racism. I've read books on race now. My siblings are somewhat social justice warriors, so they would hate someone like the old me. I reached out to them a while ago and confessed that I used to be racist and I am deeply ashamed of myself. They told me that it was good that I decided to grow as a person and realize my wrongs. But I cannot overcome my guilt. I am going to a therapist soon, but can I confess this thing I did in the past? Or would they be disgusted by me?

While many people in this forum write things like "Am I a bad person?" - most of the times the answer is no because their mental illness is controlling them. But in this case, I objectively wrote something disgusting and I am a terrible hateful person. I don't know what I'm writing on here for. Is there any way for me to stop obsessing with this?

Are you feeling any better on this new day?

 

[srenz5821]

Are you feeling any better on this new day?

you know, I think I do feel better! I feel a little relieved today. However, my obsessive little mind found new topics and things to worry about. So strange.

My OCD has gone into remissions before, and I hope I can get it into remission soon. My best stretch was about two years without OCD ruling my life. It was in the background, but it didn’t dictate much.

I’ve been dealing with a strange chronic disease for four years, and it has made my OCD more easy to flare up. Oh well.

how are you doing today? I’ve read your recent topics. Sending you care. be sure to give yourself some care too because your only human. Have a nice start to your week!

 

[Carolmicheals73727]

you know, I think I do feel better! I feel a little relieved today. However, my obsessive little mind found new topics and things to worry about. So strange.

My OCD has gone into remissions before, and I hope I can get it into remission soon. My best stretch was about two years without OCD ruling my life. It was in the background, but it didn’t dictate much.

I’ve been dealing with a strange chronic disease for four years, and it has made my OCD more easy to flare up. Oh well.

how are you doing today? I’ve read your recent topics. Sending you care. be sure to give yourself some care too because your only human. Have a nice start to your week!

I figured you could get over this and just find new things to obsess over. We all do that :/ I think at some point we have stop asking questions and seeking the reassurance and validation because it becomes so habitual it can be painful and you’ll end up making post after post asking for the same thing. I started doing that last week. This weekend/today I have felt better. I’m not sure if I’m getting better or what. But I’m not obsessing over things in my past. Mine has also gone into remission before. I think that you’ll be just fine. You are a good person. A bad person would never dwell on the things they did. Wishing you all the best in your recovery and you are not alone

 

[Tawny]

N is just a word. Any word can be used positively or negatively, for good or bad, depending upon the situation and intention behind it.

 

[Mulligan]

Hey Srenz I get your feelings and yes it was short sighted and inappropriate to use that term but one time doesn’t mean you are a bad person. My bet is that if you talked to your friends and apologized they would accept your apologize and think better of you for it.
On the 2nd point, what you need to do is work on finding a way to not focus on your anxiety and concerns. Of course you would want to look and doing erp or act to help with your anxiety.
I know that as I also suffer from ocd with a focus on real events. I have tried to find ways to accept the errors I made and live with my actions to improve myself in the future.

 

[srenz5821]

is just a word. Any word can be used positively or negatively, for good or bad, depending upon the situation and intention behind it.

I respectfully disagree. In the states, it was historically used on Black people to degrade them. I know it's only a word, but it carries terrible history and violence.