srenz5821
Member
Hi,
As I write this I am in tears and incredibly disgusted by myself. My hands are sweaty and I feel close to puking. I'll just get to the point as quickly as possible. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but I am certain I have it. My sister has been diagnosed with pure O. In the past, I've been obsessed and deadly afraid of developing schizophrenia and spent hundreds of hours researching it. I've had obsessions relating to fitness and fears of dying due to cardiac disease which led me to viciously count calories and exercise and check my heart. I've had other strange obsessions too that don't matter for today's discussion. Now, I am guilty and obsessed over something I wrote in the past. This guilt and shame has been going on for about 9 months and was sparked by the events of 2020.
Basically over 5 years ago I created a group chat named the nword with the hard ending. I was 21 years old. It included me and my siblings. They immediately called me out on it saying it was racist, and I just said "how?" because I was trying to be edgy and funny. I am a latin person, so i do not have the right to say that word. I don't know why I created that group and named it that. I was trying to be edgy and create shock value. I thought it was a joke. But there was no joke there. Really, I was just being a damn racist and perpetuating a word that has terrible meaning with violent historical consequences.
I've never said that word to a person of color. I do want to say that I do not hate anyone of any race. You can still, however, be racist without hating people. I was racist by what I did. My best friends are black, and they would probably be ashamed of me and leave me forever if they found out I wrote that. Back then, they gave me the "nword pass" probably because I am latin and close to them. They used to jokingly call me beaner and wetback, so we used to have a joking relationship with race. But that doesn't give me the right to write what I did.
Now, I am terribly afraid of that group chat being published by one of my siblings onto social media calling me out. I am going to have a somewhat prolific and public career, so I would be immediately ostracized. I would lose my job and be stuck in tons of debt. I would lose my reputation. And in today's world with cancel culture, I'd seriously be done for.
In 2016, I realized that I need to stop saying the nword even if my friends were okay with it. I made a vow to never say it again and check myself. Since then, I haven't said the word once and cringe at my past self for the stupid things I used to say. I consider myself a liberal, and have a person close to me that is transgender. I fully support that person and have helped them during surgeries, etc. I guess what I'm trying to prove to myself is that I am not "one of those" conservative hillbillies. During the George Floyd protests, I joined them and supported the movement. But what good does that do if I used to say despicable things?
Now, I am incredibly guilty of that stupid group chat I created. I wake with fear at 2 AM checking to see if I have been called out publicly by my siblings. I constantly check their social media. I constantly think about what I did. I feel guilt all the time. I punish myself. I read and follow people of color's social media accounts to try to purify and learn/educate more about race and racism. I've read books on race now. My siblings are somewhat social justice warriors, so they would hate someone like the old me. I reached out to them a while ago and confessed that I used to be racist and I am deeply ashamed of myself. They told me that it was good that I decided to grow as a person and realize my wrongs. But I cannot overcome my guilt. I am going to a therapist soon, but can I confess this thing I did in the past? Or would they be disgusted by me?
While many people in this forum write things like "Am I a bad person?" - most of the times the answer is no because their mental illness is controlling them. But in this case, I objectively wrote something disgusting and I am a terrible hateful person. I don't know what I'm writing on here for. Is there any way for me to stop obsessing with this?
As I write this I am in tears and incredibly disgusted by myself. My hands are sweaty and I feel close to puking. I'll just get to the point as quickly as possible. I've never been diagnosed with OCD, but I am certain I have it. My sister has been diagnosed with pure O. In the past, I've been obsessed and deadly afraid of developing schizophrenia and spent hundreds of hours researching it. I've had obsessions relating to fitness and fears of dying due to cardiac disease which led me to viciously count calories and exercise and check my heart. I've had other strange obsessions too that don't matter for today's discussion. Now, I am guilty and obsessed over something I wrote in the past. This guilt and shame has been going on for about 9 months and was sparked by the events of 2020.
Basically over 5 years ago I created a group chat named the nword with the hard ending. I was 21 years old. It included me and my siblings. They immediately called me out on it saying it was racist, and I just said "how?" because I was trying to be edgy and funny. I am a latin person, so i do not have the right to say that word. I don't know why I created that group and named it that. I was trying to be edgy and create shock value. I thought it was a joke. But there was no joke there. Really, I was just being a damn racist and perpetuating a word that has terrible meaning with violent historical consequences.
I've never said that word to a person of color. I do want to say that I do not hate anyone of any race. You can still, however, be racist without hating people. I was racist by what I did. My best friends are black, and they would probably be ashamed of me and leave me forever if they found out I wrote that. Back then, they gave me the "nword pass" probably because I am latin and close to them. They used to jokingly call me beaner and wetback, so we used to have a joking relationship with race. But that doesn't give me the right to write what I did.
Now, I am terribly afraid of that group chat being published by one of my siblings onto social media calling me out. I am going to have a somewhat prolific and public career, so I would be immediately ostracized. I would lose my job and be stuck in tons of debt. I would lose my reputation. And in today's world with cancel culture, I'd seriously be done for.
In 2016, I realized that I need to stop saying the nword even if my friends were okay with it. I made a vow to never say it again and check myself. Since then, I haven't said the word once and cringe at my past self for the stupid things I used to say. I consider myself a liberal, and have a person close to me that is transgender. I fully support that person and have helped them during surgeries, etc. I guess what I'm trying to prove to myself is that I am not "one of those" conservative hillbillies. During the George Floyd protests, I joined them and supported the movement. But what good does that do if I used to say despicable things?
Now, I am incredibly guilty of that stupid group chat I created. I wake with fear at 2 AM checking to see if I have been called out publicly by my siblings. I constantly check their social media. I constantly think about what I did. I feel guilt all the time. I punish myself. I read and follow people of color's social media accounts to try to purify and learn/educate more about race and racism. I've read books on race now. My siblings are somewhat social justice warriors, so they would hate someone like the old me. I reached out to them a while ago and confessed that I used to be racist and I am deeply ashamed of myself. They told me that it was good that I decided to grow as a person and realize my wrongs. But I cannot overcome my guilt. I am going to a therapist soon, but can I confess this thing I did in the past? Or would they be disgusted by me?
While many people in this forum write things like "Am I a bad person?" - most of the times the answer is no because their mental illness is controlling them. But in this case, I objectively wrote something disgusting and I am a terrible hateful person. I don't know what I'm writing on here for. Is there any way for me to stop obsessing with this?
