D
Dmt80hd
New member
Hi. You can refer to me as D if you want.
(ranting)
I'm not sure how deep this forum goes but I think I have done an amazing job pretending to not be ill.
First of all, I am an extremely angry person. I am also a closet psycho. I came here because as I have grown out of my twenties and started my thirties, I matures and began to realize what went wrong.
(anger rant)
I believe my issues stem from perceived childhood abandonment. My parents divorced because my mother was apparently bored with my dad and cheated on him. I've recently discussed it with my dad (even though my school/child therapist told me it was none of my business, I beg to differ you pompous ****), and what he tells me matches much of what I remember. Frankly, I'm disgusted with my mother's behavior which could have been described as sleazy, being as she was raising four children in a very small house with little money. The last thing we needed was a divorce. Who she selected to take my dad's place only made it worse.
I can vaguely remember my parents being married and my early years being fairly normal. It wasn't until I realized that my dad was disappearing and my mom brought a guy home. I was excited to meet him at first until I realized who he was. I remember spontaneously punching him in the nuts when I was 6, he was wearing sweatpants. Now around this time, my mom was single and had myself and three siblings in two bedrooms. Her new boyfriend was some kook she met at a bar singing karaoke, he also was a sort of body builder and bragged about fist fights he had been in (telling this to a 6 year old). He also liked to scream at my mom, kick the door down when she tried locking him out, threaten to leave while dragging the living room furniture outside and throwing his underwear out on the front lawn for neighbors to watch, stuffed the four of us kids in the back porch so they could invite friends over to drink (and OD on heroin), things I had never seen or needed to know about as a developing boy. He was also a religious whackjob who was disfellowshipped from the JW's because of the affair. Before all this, I was a mommy's boy and loved to sit in her lap as she rubbed my back. That stopped as she started spending time with her kook boyfriend and I felt ignored.
Long story short, despite the red flags, she married him and put her children at risk. Around this time, about 8 years old, I began having homicidal thoughts towards my parents and others.
We had also moved to a much larger house in '98 as it was her new husband's parents house they let us buy for dirt cheap. Moving from the country/suburbs to the city/suburbs was extremely difficult. My peers at school weren't as tolerant of my poor social skills and I was targeting more frequently than I had been at my previous school. At this time I was diagnosed with Asperger's, and was also molested by my neighbor (debatable but another story).
Since then, I had never been the same. I went from being a hyperactive athletic kid enthusiastic about fitness and exercise to a reclusive lethargic slob locked in his room playing videogames as soon as I got home from school. Videogames were my life and only means of escape. Final Fantasy was a great series as it differed from other conventional videogames as it played more like a story book with highly relatable characters.
Eventually my acting out wasn't limited to school. I would come home angry and take it out on my family. I even began hurting animals. I became violent in school and was transferred to one specializing in behavioral issues, which did not help at all (here's to the incompetent teachers, therapists, and staff).
I was eventually put on anti depressants and anti-psychotics, some of which I know I didn't need, and went from a scrawny kid to a bloated drowsy fat fuck in a matter of months. My self-image and esteem plummeted.
Finally, at 16-17, my mom divorced her asshole husband. I later found out he was physically and verbally abusing her all these years. He tried to pull a pity party after choking my mom by overdosing on pills, but thankfully she got a wind of common sense and called him an ambulance and filed for a restraining order and a divorce.
However, the damage was done.
I started smoking cigarettes at 15-16 and self harm came after. Weed and pills were my best friends.
One day, I got into a fight with my mom and sister and packed my bags and went to live with my dad. As little as he understood his son, it wasn't all that bad. I was glad to be gone.
My sexuality emerged and I began seeing other guys. Knowing that I would have to deal with homophobia and being called a fag for the rest of my life didn't help. I had a very difficult time meeting people and would settle for drug addicts and alcoholics.
After a failed 5 year relationship, I found the courage to attend school and became a nurse. This was probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my entire life. Everything changed as I was able to support myself without having to split rent with a lazy ass boyfriend. I moved into a house in the beginning of this year. I spent the majority of my time isolated with plenty of time to reflect.
So here I am.
(ranting)
I'm not sure how deep this forum goes but I think I have done an amazing job pretending to not be ill.
First of all, I am an extremely angry person. I am also a closet psycho. I came here because as I have grown out of my twenties and started my thirties, I matures and began to realize what went wrong.
(anger rant)
I believe my issues stem from perceived childhood abandonment. My parents divorced because my mother was apparently bored with my dad and cheated on him. I've recently discussed it with my dad (even though my school/child therapist told me it was none of my business, I beg to differ you pompous ****), and what he tells me matches much of what I remember. Frankly, I'm disgusted with my mother's behavior which could have been described as sleazy, being as she was raising four children in a very small house with little money. The last thing we needed was a divorce. Who she selected to take my dad's place only made it worse.
I can vaguely remember my parents being married and my early years being fairly normal. It wasn't until I realized that my dad was disappearing and my mom brought a guy home. I was excited to meet him at first until I realized who he was. I remember spontaneously punching him in the nuts when I was 6, he was wearing sweatpants. Now around this time, my mom was single and had myself and three siblings in two bedrooms. Her new boyfriend was some kook she met at a bar singing karaoke, he also was a sort of body builder and bragged about fist fights he had been in (telling this to a 6 year old). He also liked to scream at my mom, kick the door down when she tried locking him out, threaten to leave while dragging the living room furniture outside and throwing his underwear out on the front lawn for neighbors to watch, stuffed the four of us kids in the back porch so they could invite friends over to drink (and OD on heroin), things I had never seen or needed to know about as a developing boy. He was also a religious whackjob who was disfellowshipped from the JW's because of the affair. Before all this, I was a mommy's boy and loved to sit in her lap as she rubbed my back. That stopped as she started spending time with her kook boyfriend and I felt ignored.
Long story short, despite the red flags, she married him and put her children at risk. Around this time, about 8 years old, I began having homicidal thoughts towards my parents and others.
We had also moved to a much larger house in '98 as it was her new husband's parents house they let us buy for dirt cheap. Moving from the country/suburbs to the city/suburbs was extremely difficult. My peers at school weren't as tolerant of my poor social skills and I was targeting more frequently than I had been at my previous school. At this time I was diagnosed with Asperger's, and was also molested by my neighbor (debatable but another story).
Since then, I had never been the same. I went from being a hyperactive athletic kid enthusiastic about fitness and exercise to a reclusive lethargic slob locked in his room playing videogames as soon as I got home from school. Videogames were my life and only means of escape. Final Fantasy was a great series as it differed from other conventional videogames as it played more like a story book with highly relatable characters.
Eventually my acting out wasn't limited to school. I would come home angry and take it out on my family. I even began hurting animals. I became violent in school and was transferred to one specializing in behavioral issues, which did not help at all (here's to the incompetent teachers, therapists, and staff).
I was eventually put on anti depressants and anti-psychotics, some of which I know I didn't need, and went from a scrawny kid to a bloated drowsy fat fuck in a matter of months. My self-image and esteem plummeted.
Finally, at 16-17, my mom divorced her asshole husband. I later found out he was physically and verbally abusing her all these years. He tried to pull a pity party after choking my mom by overdosing on pills, but thankfully she got a wind of common sense and called him an ambulance and filed for a restraining order and a divorce.
However, the damage was done.
I started smoking cigarettes at 15-16 and self harm came after. Weed and pills were my best friends.
One day, I got into a fight with my mom and sister and packed my bags and went to live with my dad. As little as he understood his son, it wasn't all that bad. I was glad to be gone.
My sexuality emerged and I began seeing other guys. Knowing that I would have to deal with homophobia and being called a fag for the rest of my life didn't help. I had a very difficult time meeting people and would settle for drug addicts and alcoholics.
After a failed 5 year relationship, I found the courage to attend school and became a nurse. This was probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my entire life. Everything changed as I was able to support myself without having to split rent with a lazy ass boyfriend. I moved into a house in the beginning of this year. I spent the majority of my time isolated with plenty of time to reflect.
So here I am.
