• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Guess I'll start here

D

Dmt80hd

New member
Joined
Dec 19, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Ohio
Hi. You can refer to me as D if you want.

(ranting)

I'm not sure how deep this forum goes but I think I have done an amazing job pretending to not be ill.

First of all, I am an extremely angry person. I am also a closet psycho. I came here because as I have grown out of my twenties and started my thirties, I matures and began to realize what went wrong.

(anger rant)

I believe my issues stem from perceived childhood abandonment. My parents divorced because my mother was apparently bored with my dad and cheated on him. I've recently discussed it with my dad (even though my school/child therapist told me it was none of my business, I beg to differ you pompous ****), and what he tells me matches much of what I remember. Frankly, I'm disgusted with my mother's behavior which could have been described as sleazy, being as she was raising four children in a very small house with little money. The last thing we needed was a divorce. Who she selected to take my dad's place only made it worse.

I can vaguely remember my parents being married and my early years being fairly normal. It wasn't until I realized that my dad was disappearing and my mom brought a guy home. I was excited to meet him at first until I realized who he was. I remember spontaneously punching him in the nuts when I was 6, he was wearing sweatpants. Now around this time, my mom was single and had myself and three siblings in two bedrooms. Her new boyfriend was some kook she met at a bar singing karaoke, he also was a sort of body builder and bragged about fist fights he had been in (telling this to a 6 year old). He also liked to scream at my mom, kick the door down when she tried locking him out, threaten to leave while dragging the living room furniture outside and throwing his underwear out on the front lawn for neighbors to watch, stuffed the four of us kids in the back porch so they could invite friends over to drink (and OD on heroin), things I had never seen or needed to know about as a developing boy. He was also a religious whackjob who was disfellowshipped from the JW's because of the affair. Before all this, I was a mommy's boy and loved to sit in her lap as she rubbed my back. That stopped as she started spending time with her kook boyfriend and I felt ignored.

Long story short, despite the red flags, she married him and put her children at risk. Around this time, about 8 years old, I began having homicidal thoughts towards my parents and others.

We had also moved to a much larger house in '98 as it was her new husband's parents house they let us buy for dirt cheap. Moving from the country/suburbs to the city/suburbs was extremely difficult. My peers at school weren't as tolerant of my poor social skills and I was targeting more frequently than I had been at my previous school. At this time I was diagnosed with Asperger's, and was also molested by my neighbor (debatable but another story).

Since then, I had never been the same. I went from being a hyperactive athletic kid enthusiastic about fitness and exercise to a reclusive lethargic slob locked in his room playing videogames as soon as I got home from school. Videogames were my life and only means of escape. Final Fantasy was a great series as it differed from other conventional videogames as it played more like a story book with highly relatable characters.

Eventually my acting out wasn't limited to school. I would come home angry and take it out on my family. I even began hurting animals. I became violent in school and was transferred to one specializing in behavioral issues, which did not help at all (here's to the incompetent teachers, therapists, and staff).

I was eventually put on anti depressants and anti-psychotics, some of which I know I didn't need, and went from a scrawny kid to a bloated drowsy fat fuck in a matter of months. My self-image and esteem plummeted.

Finally, at 16-17, my mom divorced her asshole husband. I later found out he was physically and verbally abusing her all these years. He tried to pull a pity party after choking my mom by overdosing on pills, but thankfully she got a wind of common sense and called him an ambulance and filed for a restraining order and a divorce.

However, the damage was done.

I started smoking cigarettes at 15-16 and self harm came after. Weed and pills were my best friends.

One day, I got into a fight with my mom and sister and packed my bags and went to live with my dad. As little as he understood his son, it wasn't all that bad. I was glad to be gone.

My sexuality emerged and I began seeing other guys. Knowing that I would have to deal with homophobia and being called a fag for the rest of my life didn't help. I had a very difficult time meeting people and would settle for drug addicts and alcoholics.

After a failed 5 year relationship, I found the courage to attend school and became a nurse. This was probably the greatest thing to ever happen to me in my entire life. Everything changed as I was able to support myself without having to split rent with a lazy ass boyfriend. I moved into a house in the beginning of this year. I spent the majority of my time isolated with plenty of time to reflect.

So here I am.
 
N

nilegem

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 8, 2020
Messages
71
Location
vietnam
I have same problem with anger, it is just like rushing to my head and literally forcing me to do some thing harmful, like kill some one, but I control
anger is lying hidden beneath our awareness and just a trigger... Boom
 
D

Dmt80hd

New member
Joined
Dec 19, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Ohio
I have same problem with anger, it is just like rushing to my head and literally forcing me to do some thing harmful, like kill some one, but I control
anger is lying hidden beneath our awareness and just a trigger... Boom

I hate it, I sometimes have zero control. I have broken several phones by crushing them in my hands because the anger is so intense. I never learn my lesson. I have lost a lot of friends with the rants I post on social media making me look like a crazy fuck. At the end of the day when I calm down, I break down and cry because of the shame. I'm exhausted. I want the chains off.
 
Sash1

Sash1

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2020
Messages
137
Location
Uk
Hi D..
I don't want to sound patronising but have to say it, Wow!!..You went through all of that and still found the strength, courage, determination and compassion, to become a Nurse.
I didn't have the upbringing my peers had, thought I was unloved, ignored etc, but like you, I found a profession within the Care sector(with many age groups and establishments)..It was almost as if it was my calling so to speak.........but for me, it was my sanity. I used everything that happened to me(I'm talking the abuse, etc) into a positive, by working alongside and with Survivors, of situations, that like us, wasn't their fault..
I undertand you anger and rage, but you've moved on from what was a very unhappy, terrible childhood..
I think I've learned how to sort of be the '3rd person' in it all now(if that makes sense)I try to step away from all the crap that happened to me, failed relationships, domestic abuse , toxic friends etc I know not everyone can do that, it's took me quite a few years..
Hopefully, you can see yourself as that person who through all the crap, made it! Yeah, got quite a lot of baggage that we carry around with us, but I won't be the person they tried and wanted to destroy..I'll be better than that..
Btw.......Welcome..:)
 
N

nilegem

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 8, 2020
Messages
71
Location
vietnam
try postponing it, get angry but only after 5 minutes
or you can "look" at your anger, see that it is there as a resevoir and others are just excuses for it to happen
try to do opposite things like laughing in anger
 
H

Hana26

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 26, 2020
Messages
98
Location
World
I think you made your mom be reason for all your problems, of course she has a part of responsibility but she was a victim as well. She didn't run away from you to live her fairy tale romance, she got physically and mentally abused for years, turned to substances to cope and eventually managed to get rid of her abuser. No doubt she made bad choices and wasn't a great mom but she kept you close and tried to protect you when things got bad.

Not everyone in her position has that wind of common sense you've mentioned, some end up dead. I'm not defending your mom by any mean, I just think looking at things from a different angle, with empathy and understanding, might help you make peace with the past and ease your anger.

Many of us on this forum didn't have the kind of upbringing that prepared us to face the world, make the right choices in life and detect toxicity, your mom might as well not have had all the right cards in hand to begin with.

By talking to your dad, you're only ever gonna have one side of the story. Your therapist is right in the sense that asking questions whom answers won't be satisfying isn't gonna help you.
I hope you find peace, don't be hard on yourself x
 
D

Dmt80hd

New member
Joined
Dec 19, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Ohio
I think you made your mom be reason for all your problems, of course she has a part of responsibility but she was a victim as well.
I absolutely am, and I do understand that she was also a victim. I wish I understood her reasons, other that I thought I could help him or I felt sorry for him. What about me? Why was a stranger more important than your own child? I sincerely wonder if she hadn't made the blatantly bad decisions she had made, would I still have the issues I have today? Would I be further ahead in life? I have a sibling who was the first of us to have kids, and they are without a doubt the happiest kids I have ever seen. It wasn't until I compared their childhood to mine that I realized that mine was not normal and more questions started to emerge. Why did she do these things? Why did she cover and make excuses for her husband? For real, did she ever stop to wonder why I was such an angry child? Did she go behind my back and tell the doctors that she had no clue why I was so fucked up? Did she ever try to cover her ass or downplay how bad my home life was when the answer to my depression was obvious and had nothing to do with me? Was she afraid of child services being called? There's so many details I left out that I could go on forever about, but almost every bad thing that happened seems to be a direct result of her choices. She failed to protect her kids.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my mom. I really do love her. No, not everything was her fault, but she set it all in motion, the spark that lit the fire. The resentment lingers and I'm having a very hard time letting go. All this time I thought I had brought everything on myself, that it was my fault when it clearly wasn't. I don't know how to let go.

I'm really sorry for whining, but I'm just stating how I feel. This is still fresh in my head. Thanks for your input.

Hi D..
I don't want to sound patronising but have to say it, Wow!!..You went through all of that and still found the strength, courage, determination and compassion, to become a Nurse.
I didn't have the upbringing my peers had, thought I was unloved, ignored etc, but like you, I found a profession within the Care sector(with many age groups and establishments)..It was almost as if it was my calling so to speak.........but for me, it was my sanity. I used everything that happened to me(I'm talking the abuse, etc) into a positive, by working alongside and with Survivors, of situations, that like us, wasn't their fault..
I undertand you anger and rage, but you've moved on from what was a very unhappy, terrible childhood..
I think I've learned how to sort of be the '3rd person' in it all now(if that makes sense)I try to step away from all the crap that happened to me, failed relationships, domestic abuse , toxic friends etc I know not everyone can do that, it's took me quite a few years..
Hopefully, you can see yourself as that person who through all the crap, made it! Yeah, got quite a lot of baggage that we carry around with us, but I won't be the person they tried and wanted to destroy..I'll be better than that..
Btw.......Welcome..:)
Thank you. Becoming a nurse was a chance matter of meeting a friend who told me about the program and the fact that I was living at home again and could afford to go full-time. I still can't believe I did it.
 
D

Dmt80hd

New member
Joined
Dec 19, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Ohio
I also failed to mention a HUGE detail, that she started collecting SSI money on me as a teenager, and I never knew about it. I never saw a cent. As in, she was profiting on my mental illness. I feel like maybe I was made to feel like I could never support myself, I was too dumb/screwed to hold a job. Was she trying to push for it? Funny, because now I make more than both of my parents.
 
H

Hana26

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 26, 2020
Messages
98
Location
World
I absolutely am, and I do understand that she was also a victim. I wish I understood her reasons, other that I thought I could help him or I felt sorry for him. What about me? Why was a stranger more important than your own child? I sincerely wonder if she hadn't made the blatantly bad decisions she had made, would I still have the issues I have today? Would I be further ahead in life? I have a sibling who was the first of us to have kids, and they are without a doubt the happiest kids I have ever seen. It wasn't until I compared their childhood to mine that I realized that mine was not normal and more questions started to emerge. Why did she do these things? Why did she cover and make excuses for her husband? For real, did she ever stop to wonder why I was such an angry child? Did she go behind my back and tell the doctors that she had no clue why I was so fucked up? Did she ever try to cover her ass or downplay how bad my home life was when the answer to my depression was obvious and had nothing to do with me? Was she afraid of child services being called? There's so many details I left out that I could go on forever about, but almost every bad thing that happened seems to be a direct result of her choices. She failed to protect her kids.

Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my mom. I really do love her. No, not everything was her fault, but she set it all in motion, the spark that lit the fire. The resentment lingers and I'm having a very hard time letting go. All this time I thought I had brought everything on myself, that it was my fault when it clearly wasn't. I don't know how to let go.

I'm really sorry for whining, but I'm just stating how I feel. This is still fresh in my head. Thanks for your input.



Thank you. Becoming a nurse was a chance matter of meeting a friend who told me about the program and the fact that I was living at home again and could afford to go full-time. I still can't believe I did it.
I totally understand where you are coming from and how you feel. It wasn't until a few years ago that I fully realised how messed up my childhood and teen years were. I'd tend to throw things under the rug, dedramatize events that happened, etc,...

What I can tell you is that no one leaves a happy, working marriage for nothing, your mom had her reasons, as to why she fell for an abuser afterwards and stayed with him - maybe she had a pre existing mental condition, she was vulnerable. It's very hard to get out of such relationships where mind games are common and your self esteem is too low to think you deserve better.

The thing is, no matter everything she did, no matter how much you'll think "what if", it won't change anything, so is there a point torturing yourself? We learn through the good and the bad, your experiences have shaped you and you will be a great parent because of how much you've learned, just like your sibling is to his/her children. You have so many questions left unanswered, unforgiveable things were done to you, the only solution is to learn to let go in order to move forward, as difficult and frustrating as it is. Perhaps putting some distance between you and your mom or cutting ties for some time would help you feel better?

I'm a messed up adult, of course the question of how would I have turned out if things had been different has popped on my mind many times but at some point I had to accept it's what it is and I can try to change the present and future xx
 
UpnDwn1978

UpnDwn1978

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Norway
Hi D welcome to the forum :welcome:
 
PetitPois

PetitPois

ACCOUNT CLOSED
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Dec 8, 2020
Messages
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Somewhere
Hi D welcome to the forum :)

I feel a lot of what you have written. Messed up childhood. My dad was violent. After they separated he cut us out of his life when I was just 13. My step father was physically and sexually abusive. I had an acceptance of this kind of behaviour.

The person I live with is a recovering alcoholic. A few years ago he got drunk and beat me really badly. My face was in a real state for weeks, as was the rest of me. He knelt on my neck and threatened to break it. I didn't call the police, I didn't even consider it. And it felt like a normal reaction to me.

I feel my mam let me down, but I believe she tries more now and does have regret over some things that happened. Yet she never left him. Only death separated them. She would never discuss it, so neither do I. Just something that is permanently swept under the carpet.

I think it is awesome that you have done something so positive with your education and career. Some people who have suffered as much as you are the kind of people we need in these roles. Your trauma allows you to empathize with others. Which can be a lifeline to someone :hug:
 
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