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Growing up thinking you don't matter

winterinspace

winterinspace

New member
Joined
Aug 17, 2018
Messages
1
Good evening.

When I signed up to this forum several days ago I did not anticipate it being so hard to actually start a topic here. I spent the last nights lying awake for hours, trying to sort through my thoughts and decide on what I actually wish to discuss. The main issue, I would say, is the fact that I feel a strong need to talk about everything, without being able to exactly pinpoint what "everything" is.

Lately I have been feeling as if I was heading for a mental breakdown, which I can only blame on myself putting too much pressure on myself and being unable to allow myself to take things easy. I am about to finish my first university degree, a course which is supposed to span over six semesters. I was able to get ahead of the course plan which initially had lead me to the plan of finishing after five semesters, i.e. next spring. The master's program that I am interested in can only be signed up for once a year, in autumn, so earlier this year I more or less spontaneously made the decision to simply get over with the remaining exams, write my thesis, and apply for the master's program this year instead of next, so basically finishing the degree one year early.
I thought I could handle it, it didn't seem that much at that point. A 60 page long thesis plus two papers (15 pages each). The workload is not that high but I did not anticipate freaking out to a point where I was starting to fear for my sanity.
Even though I have now finished all coursework and handed in my application for the master's program, I cannot calm down because now I have to wait for the grades and for finding out whether or not I have been accepted into the master's program.
I am driving myself crazy thinking about the possibility that I might have failed my thesis. Basically, I came to a point where I simply wrote everything down, handed in the papers, just so I would meet the deadline. Rationally there is no reason to worry because my grades so far are good enough that even a simple passing grade for the thesis should allow me to enter the master's program, and even in case I failed my thesis I would be allowed a second attempt and I wasn't supposed to finish before next year anyway.

The reason I ended up stressing myself so much is that in my family everything I ever did was frowned upon and never seemed to be worth much. Not only am I the only member of my immediate family who chose to pursue an academic path but also the only one who favoured theoretical studies over manual work. I am quite sure that in my father's eyes I am wasting my time reading poems and discussing useless stuff instead of living in the real world and doing something useful with my life. I have to give him credit for his paying for my studies and not trying to talk me out of it. He was always supportive in a way, letting me pursue my interests while making it very clear what he thought of my decisions.
I put pressure on myself, thinking that whatever I do is not worth anything. If I finish this degree in two years instead of three, I prove that I am not wasting my time and also shorten the length of time my father will have to financially support me.

I do not want to be financially dependent on someone who makes me feel worthless and yet I am not capable of supporting myself due to my social anxiety making it difficult for me to work. I do not want to feel like I have to be grateful while simultaneously becoming more and more aware of how much my parents have messed me up. I have been finding excuses for them for years and I think I have come to realise that intentions stop mattering at some point. I can explain bad things with stress and mental illness and financial problems and loads of other issues my parents had to deal with respectively. I have spent my life finding explanations and I still think that, yes, my parents always had the best intentions in mind.
But an explanation is not an excuse.
When your child is terrified of social interactions, self-harms, develops disordered eating, has no self-esteem, and wishes to be invisible, you probably messed up really badly in your parenting efforts.

I can't handle writing about personal stuff, I seriously have no idea what I'm even trying to say. I started writing this thinking I would give a quick overview over my current situation to explain how my studies are affecting my stress levels which in turn makes me feel unstable, before explaining my family situation and my actual issues. I can't even make it to this point because my head starts spinning and I become too upset to go on. I may not sound upset but I have become more and more agitated while writing and I need to stop to calm myself down.

Thanks if anyone has read this far and wants to make any effort in understanding what I'm even on about. Thanks. Bye for now.
 
Last edited:
exyz

exyz

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 14, 2017
Messages
2,773
Hello there, I'm glad that you found the forum here.

I've read your post, there's a lot on your mind. It seems to me that you have been under so much pressure with your studies that you can't switch off.

Not sure where you are in the world, and that is your business. :) Your university should have a student welfare department and that is something you need to think about drawing on for support.

I hope that you find it helpful being here :)
 
C

Candy19

Guest
hey,

first of all welcome to the forum

you sound like a really hard working person and I admire that, I'm only doing an art course in college and that's enough to have me going insane at times, so I can't imagine what it must be like for you

it's a shame your parents aren't happy about your choices, but it sounds to me you are going in the right direction, getting things done and determined to have a good career, hopefully they will come to an understanding with what you want to achieve

I think you are pushing yourself too hard even if you believe you aren't doing enough yourself, I get how hard it is to think highly of yourself when all you've had is parents tell you that you aren't good enough, but from what I read in your post you seem to be doing well especially as you say you suffer with social anxiety and other things

maybe take a step back or find ways to manage the stress and anxiety, or talk to someone at uni about it
 
K

kvolm2016

Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2018
Messages
19
This really is a great place to sort out thoughts. And it is easy to understand why there is so much on your mind at this moment/place in your life with lots of responsibility, lots of decisions, lots of turning points. Have you ever had a chance to do any counseling regarding the disappointments of your childhood and how they have carried themselves into your adult life?
 
K

kvolm2016

Member
Joined
Apr 12, 2018
Messages
19
Just thought I would check back in to see how you are doing this week?
 
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