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Ashami

Ashami

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Hello all at the Mental Health Forum

I'm here because I suffer from depression and I've recently given up on UK NHS Mental Health Services after an appalling two years of 'treatment', which has basically left me further back than when I started.

My depression is due to a number of things; abuse and neglect in childhood, bullying, my sister dying at 32 yrs old, taking 12 years to get pregnant, a family who bully and reject me in alternate bouts, a narcissistic friend who bullied and manipulated me for 13 years, various occasions where I have been physically attacked, a husband with chronic diabetes & complications brought about by medical negligence....

God I'm depressed listing that lot. When treatment started I was asked to list all losses since the day I was born. I recorded over 40, and the list grew as I recorded, which is I guess normal as you get older but I seem to have had an unrelenting tidal wave of losses.

Sometimes it seems like there is only loss and death in this world. It's hard to be happy for fear that the price of happiness is loss or death. My depression causes me much distress because I have a three-year old and I desperately do not want to pass my pain to him. It would be a great shame to have spent so long trying for a baby only to pass my negative patterns onto him.

I have found some success with new age treatments but losses quickly overwhelmed this success and now I feel stuck, blocked, self-medicating and struggling thru each day.

Guess I'm just hoping this forum will put me in touch with people who can provide a bit of support as I have absolutely no support in my life, and I'm also hoping I can provide a bit of support back, on my 'good' days! :scared: :)
 
Rorschach

Rorschach

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Hey there Ashami, very honest first post. Ooohhh, I don't know about death, especially what can be considered 'premature' death. As I'm getting older I'm seeing life more like a play, and what is a play without the final act? Somewhat incomplete. What was it shakespeare said...

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms;
Then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav'd, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything
 
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Rorschach

Rorschach

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Oh and of course :welcome:
 
D

Dollit

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Hi Ashami - welcome to the forum and I hope you'll get something good from it. I've found it to be a very supportive, friendly, kind place. Someone has nearly always been through what you've been through, no one judges, no one gives false hope or makes false promises but we are there for one another whatever the subject or the level of conversation! Hope to see you around! :welcome:
 
daffy

daffy

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Hi ashami and welcome, hope you find the forum helpful to you. It can be serious if you want it to be but there are also parts where it is very funny as well.:welcome:
 
Fedup

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Hello and :welcome: Ashami :)

We are a good bunch here so please feel free to join in any where :)
 
Ashami

Ashami

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Thanks for your replies, looking forward to spending some time here. Appreciate the Shakespeare but I think what I was trying to say was that sometimes, or actually often, it seems like death and loss is ALL there is.

I have no problem with dying because I believe our soul lives on, but it's the death all around me whilst I am alive that I object to, the majority of which is premature by far. And loss, in my opinion, is just a lesser degree of death, perhaps a mini-death which has to be mourned like all death.

Just want a rest from it.
 
D

Dollit

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Hi Ashami. I think that loss is a part of life and it how's we approach it that makes the difference. Some people are just better dealing with it than others. When my brother died I seemed to pick up the pieces much faster than my family and people put it down to me suppressing my feelings but I didn't, I just went through the cycle a lot faster. My granddad's death hit me harder because I was very close to him but my grieving process was still very fast. My dad died 2.5 years ago and though I gave vent very loudly and longly in the first few days, again, my grieving process was very fast and people were convinced that there would be some sort of rebound (there wasn't). I do miss them but that passes - I'm much more like to get tearful over the memory of one of my long gone cats than a person, but there you are. I don't know what to say except that we're all different and there is a way of managing for everyone, we just have to find it for ourselves. :hug:
 
Ashami

Ashami

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death

Dollit
It's ok thanks, I had actually worked out that people die already, didn't need reminding of that fact.

if this was as simple as just people dying I doubt I would be here.

And Dollit, I have to wonder why you are here, if grieving has come so easy for you? If you handle life so well then what exactly are you here for? If my sister dying was the only cause for depression I guess I'd feel pretty lucky.

Unfortunately for some of us life is far from being a play, and after the relentless c**p I've endured in my life I consider that I have 'dealt' with what life has thrown at me with more than a little success. I am still alive and I am successfully caring for a son and partner despite my own illness.

Just looking for a little 'support'.
 
A

Apotheosis

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Welcome to the site Ashami:welcome:

I hope this doesn't come across as uncaring, but I felt the need to share this;

I was with my Grandmother when she died & I was happy & privileged to be with her. I have never mourned her or shed a tear for her. I was happy that she had a good life, & the whole experience I found natural & peaceful. I think that death is a natural part of life & not something to necessarily be upset over. Of course there are different & harder circumstances for people, & I would like to chat with my Gran sometimes. But I feel very strongly that my Gran is still very much around & present in my life.

I have had allot of friends die, my best friend died tragically when I was 16, & I was devastated, it affected me deeply, since then people dying hasn't affected me in the same way. I don't know how I would react if a very close member of my family died, but it is as much the fact of the loss of close contact & support, than someone going naturally to the next stage of their existence, as I see it.

We have a very unhealthy view of death in the West, & the subject is largely taboo. I think people should be more open about it. I see things very much in the way that within death, pain & misery, there is the seed, the potential & the way for growth, renewal, & an appreciation of the goodness in life. There is I believe great meaning within the "darker" elements of life. To look on death & pain as meaningless is for me a far harder thing to do, I don't believe that this stuff is meaningless, & to suppose it is, is where, in the past, for me the real negativity has lay.
 
Rorschach

Rorschach

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Dollit
It's ok thanks, I had actually worked out that people die already, didn't need reminding of that fact.

if this was as simple as just people dying I doubt I would be here.

And Dollit, I have to wonder why you are here, if grieving has come so easy for you? If you handle life so well then what exactly are you here for? If my sister dying was the only cause for depression I guess I'd feel pretty lucky.

Unfortunately for some of us life is far from being a play, and after the relentless c**p I've endured in my life I consider that I have 'dealt' with what life has thrown at me with more than a little success. I am still alive and I am successfully caring for a son and partner despite my own illness.

Just looking for a little 'support'.

I'm really happy to offer you support, however I'm not going to offer platitudes. I'll have to disagree that life is not like a play; whether it's tragedy or comedy is open to discussion.

I think why people focussed on death was because that is a common experience and something people learn to get a handle on it a myriad of ways. Even if those methods are just a way to trick the mind, then they have function.

If there are troubles beyond death, perhaps it might be good for you to chat about those. Death is such an ultimate. I'm sure if you have more day to day troubles you will find the members quick to try and help i.e making sense of the world they live in. The experience base of the members around mental distress is probably quite broad...
 
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Rorschach

Rorschach

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We have a very unhealthy view of death in the West, & the subject is largely taboo. I think people should be more open about it. I see things very much in the way that within death, pain & misery, there is the seed, the potential & the way for growth, renewal, & an appreciation of the goodness in life. There is I believe great meaning within the "darker" elements of life. To look on death & pain as meaningless is for me a far harder thing to do, I don't believe that this stuff is meaningless, & to suppose it is, is where, in the past, for me the real negativity has lay.
There's a whole debate about how death has been taken from its social context and become part of the medical arena, with the sterility of attitude and actuality that can entail. I actually went down into a crematorium and watch the process of a cremation. The idea of death taking part in communities and functional rituals around mourning have changed with death, as you say, becoming hidden; almost something to be ashamed of with the mourning placed into a liminal space (limbo) akin to temporary madness.
 
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Ashami

Ashami

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Hi Apotheosis & Rorschach

Thanks for your kind replies. Not offended in the least.

Not quite sure how 'death' has become the focus here tho', probably my fault for the way I write but it is the quantity of losses that are hard to cope with. Each loss feels like a death but losing someone close to me is a small segment of an enormous circle of loss. :)
 
Rorschach

Rorschach

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Well hopefully we can be here for you as the little problems appear each day. Talking about the whole collection is too much for anyone to bear, especially you repeating it, better to let them drip out as a matter of course. Let's hope, for all of us, the ability to vent our frustrations, fears, and share hope here will act as a psychic valve mechanism!!!

Hopefully being able to come here and discuss the day to day will help stop a build up that could become unbearable...and as the rest of us are doing, trying to make sense of our histories, to give them air, for them to be shared, gets them out from the dark places were they cause so much damage...
 
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