S
skunkmonkey
Member
- Joined
- Jan 4, 2010
- Messages
- 8
Hi everyone,
I'm new to this forum. Hopefully together we can help each other out of our respective issues.
Here's my situation. Bear with me I don't know what my condition is called so I'll just have to explain it. Maybe someone else knows what it is called. That would certainly help me to know where to look for help.
I am a recluse to the extreme but I strongly desire being close to someone. I have an intense fear of relationships and when I'm in them I walk on eggshells and worry constantly that I'll mess it up. I tend to be extremely clingy and drive the other person away. It has been about a decade since my last relationship and that absence has put me in a fairly deep depression.
The depression I understand but I do not understand my fear. It is irrational and unable to be dealt with logically. It's almost like there are 2 people inside my head, one (the stronger, subconscious) bent on keeping me safe through isolation at any cost. The other (weaker, conscious) wants to enjoy a relationship and all that comes with it.
I am a very shy person but I have overcome my shyness in the past so this is not a case of simply being afraid of social situations. I can logically work myself through shyness with effort.
I thought for a while that I was suffering from extreme separation anxiety disorder but everything I've been reading about that seems to indicate that it's just for children.
My parents separated when I was young and I was forced to decide between them. I remember that decision being absolutely devastating to me and resolving that I would never let myself get close to anyone again. Combine that with the fact that later my parents did get back together but my father would punish us kids if we displayed any form of physical affection to anyone and viola you have one messed up kid. (all kids are grown and gone now btw so no worries about current situations)
Anyway, if anyone has a clue what this disorder might be I would be interested in hearing about it. I've been at a loss as to what to research to overcome it. I can't do the therapy thing. I tried but I am unable to open up to a therapist, my mind just completely blanks out and my emotions turn to dust even after months of working with them. I gave up on them and decided to strike out on my own. At least until I get to a point that they can help me.
I'm new to this forum. Hopefully together we can help each other out of our respective issues.
Here's my situation. Bear with me I don't know what my condition is called so I'll just have to explain it. Maybe someone else knows what it is called. That would certainly help me to know where to look for help.
I am a recluse to the extreme but I strongly desire being close to someone. I have an intense fear of relationships and when I'm in them I walk on eggshells and worry constantly that I'll mess it up. I tend to be extremely clingy and drive the other person away. It has been about a decade since my last relationship and that absence has put me in a fairly deep depression.
The depression I understand but I do not understand my fear. It is irrational and unable to be dealt with logically. It's almost like there are 2 people inside my head, one (the stronger, subconscious) bent on keeping me safe through isolation at any cost. The other (weaker, conscious) wants to enjoy a relationship and all that comes with it.
I am a very shy person but I have overcome my shyness in the past so this is not a case of simply being afraid of social situations. I can logically work myself through shyness with effort.
I thought for a while that I was suffering from extreme separation anxiety disorder but everything I've been reading about that seems to indicate that it's just for children.
My parents separated when I was young and I was forced to decide between them. I remember that decision being absolutely devastating to me and resolving that I would never let myself get close to anyone again. Combine that with the fact that later my parents did get back together but my father would punish us kids if we displayed any form of physical affection to anyone and viola you have one messed up kid. (all kids are grown and gone now btw so no worries about current situations)
Anyway, if anyone has a clue what this disorder might be I would be interested in hearing about it. I've been at a loss as to what to research to overcome it. I can't do the therapy thing. I tried but I am unable to open up to a therapist, my mind just completely blanks out and my emotions turn to dust even after months of working with them. I gave up on them and decided to strike out on my own. At least until I get to a point that they can help me.