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ElectroZen

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2017
Messages
14
Hello, everybody.

I wanted to get some thoughts on something that happened to me today.

I suffer from social anxiety and also have an extreme problem with standing up for myself. I grew up with a mentally ill parent who was (and is) frequently abusive and highly reactive to everything. I had to accept blame for everything, regardless of whether I was even involved, or else face smashed possessions and strangulation. To survive, I had to be as meek and inoffensive as possible. This, unfortunately, has carried over into every interaction I have with another person.

Briefly, I went to a shop this afternoon to buy a few things. There's one particular cashier who is always a little rude to me. I can usually deal with that, but today I think she went too far. My total was around $50; she requested that I pay $3,000. I thought she was joking, but when I refused, she became angry. After I payed, she pocketed my change. This was not a couple of cents - it was over $40. I'm not exactly rich, so I needed that change. I requested she return it, but she refused. Everyone was staring at us and I didn't know what to do, so I just left. I know: terrible, but remember I do have issues asserting myself.

Right now, I'm going back and forth between anger at her for doing something like that, and anger at myself for being incapable of standing up to her. I think she could sense my soft nature and decided to take full advantage. I also wrote an email to her employers, but I'm feeling guilty about that now, too.

I just don't know.

I've tried to get help being more assertive, but it's just so completely and utterly opposite to my upbringing. And then, something like this happens, and it feels like confirmation that yes, I am just the doormat for the world to use.

Sorry - I don't mean to sound like a whiny victim. I just really do not know what to do or how to feel anymore.
 
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Pollypop

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
1,096
Location
England. Derbyshire
Don't feel guilty for sending the email if she was so rude
and especially if she 'pocketed' money.

I think this shows you have some assertiveness.

Is it possible to contact your gp etc who could give you advise on
assertiveness classes.

I'm sorry about your upbringing.
Things like this have a massive impact on our life.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2013
Messages
30,762
Location
Mordor
She is breaking the law. She can't demand money from you like that.
 
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ElectroZen

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2017
Messages
14
Thanks, Pollypop, though I don't feel very assertive sending an email after the incident and behind her back :D

I live in rather a backward part of the world where the few assertiveness classes we do have are all aimed at large companies rather than individuals. It looks like my only options are online.

Agreed: it's funny how childhood conditioning holds onto us as adults.
 
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ElectroZen

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2017
Messages
14
Is it just me, or has customer service taken a nosedive in general? Even without pilfering change.
 
Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
2,460
...I also wrote an email to her employers, but I'm feeling guilty about that now, too.
Why'd you feel guilty ? You did the right thing.. Her employer is going to want to know if the bitch is steeling from the customers... i hope they fire her ass... i wouldn't give it a second thought.. Its not your fault she's a thief.

hugs
:hug5:
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 26, 2016
Messages
1,486
Location
sillyville, USA
she did this with other customers around too?
She needs fired she basically robbed you.
 
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ElectroZen

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2017
Messages
14
In my mind, upset person = unsafe. And you can imagine how upset she'll be if she finds out about the email. I think that's why I'm feeling guilty: I don't want to upset her (or anyone, really), even if she upset me first. There's also the chance she'll be fired. Even if she gets another job, this will likely taint her career forever. That's a lot of pressure on me.

There were only a few customers around; it was mainly cashiers. The store is set up so that they're all clustered together, so they all saw her. Not that they did anything.

I think I was in shock for a while. Talking to other people is difficult enough with social anxiety, and then she had to go and crank it up by, as SoftRain says, robbing me. Thank you to everyone who replied. I feel much better now. :)
 
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Pollypop

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
1,096
Location
England. Derbyshire
Hi again ElectroZen,
Have you had any response from your email to the managers at
the shop where that cashier was so disgusting?

If not, I feel you send another.
It is very rude and extremely irresponsible if the management has not
replied.

I know it's hard and especially with social anxiety.
I have it myself and became agoraphobic at one point.

If you feel you want to share again, I am here to listen.

Good luck and best wishes!

Pollypop x
 
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Tessie1975

Member
Joined
Aug 22, 2017
Messages
9
ElectroZen I get verbally abused nearly every time I go to a certain chemist. I rang the boss but he insisted he trains his staff to be good to customers. The woman who does this always looks at me with glee because she knows she can insult me in front of others and get away with it. She seems to regard me as a joke. I don't go to that chemist any more. Just so you don't feel alone. Glad you feel better after sharing and getting answers. I feel better after sharing this too.
 
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Pollypop

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
1,096
Location
England. Derbyshire
Hi Tessie1975, does the person who insults you do it in front of customers or other staff.?

Can you email the shop so you will have proof that you contacted them.
A phone call can be denied, pretending it never happened.
I speak from experience.

I'm glad you have another chemist you can go to but I think it is dreadful
you have to do this because of unacceptable staff behaviour.

Take care , Pollypop x
 
R_Sxo

R_Sxo

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2017
Messages
2,264
In my mind, upset person = unsafe. And you can imagine how upset she'll be if she finds out about the email. I think that's why I'm feeling guilty: I don't want to upset her (or anyone, really), even if she upset me first. There's also the chance she'll be fired. Even if she gets another job, this will likely taint her career forever. That's a lot of pressure on me.

There were only a few customers around; it was mainly cashiers. The store is set up so that they're all clustered together, so they all saw her. Not that they did anything.

I think I was in shock for a while. Talking to other people is difficult enough with social anxiety, and then she had to go and crank it up by, as SoftRain says, robbing me. Thank you to everyone who replied. I feel much better now. :)
Hi ElectroZen,

That cashier works in a retail job, which is based on providing a product or service in return for a fixed sum. If she abuses that position and steals money from people, then she should be punished for it. If not for yourself, think about the next person - would you want other people to have their money robbed after you? Rules are rules, and if she thinks she can get away with breaking them, then she needs to be put in her place.

Much love <3
 
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ElectroZen

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2017
Messages
14
Sorry for taking so long to reply - had some internet issues.

No, not a word from management. I was wondering if I should send another message. I'm not on social media, so I only have a few options. Maybe a message to head office? In my original email, I did urge her employers to address this issue for the sake of future customers, but I think their silence says how much they care about that.

Thank you for sharing, Tessie1975. I know what you mean about those gleefully nasty employees. Funnily enough, my incident also happened at a chemist. I've also decided not to go back there. Thank goodness for online shopping.
 
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Pollypop

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
1,096
Location
England. Derbyshire
Hi ElectroZen,
Now that you have not had a reply from management I would send an email to
head office I think.
It would have only taken a short time for them to send one back, even if it was
only an acknowledgement to receiving yours.

If management try to deny receiving it you have the email proof.

Just remembered your access to social media.
Is it your own computer you sent the email from?

Best wishes. Pollypop
 
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ElectroZen

Member
Joined
Jul 18, 2017
Messages
14
Yes, it was my own computer.

I've sent an email to head office and have offered to forward the original email to them if necessary. Just waiting for their reply.

Still sometimes wondering if I'm going too far, though. :scratcheshead:
 
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