Going crazy

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Nina998

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#62
I think they let me home too early and this is gonna backfire on me. I need to try new meds but they think they can't treat me with meds because I am already on high doze Lithium and Quetiapine. I am desperate and willing to try anything. I want my life back.

I harmed myself. That's the only way to cope.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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#63
I think they let me home too early and this is gonna backfire on me. I need to try new meds but they think they can't treat me with meds because I am already on high doze Lithium and Quetiapine. I am desperate and willing to try anything. I want my life back.

I harmed myself. That's the only way to cope.
i am so sorry, Nina :hug1:
 
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Nina998

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#64
Today was so hard. I didn't get anything done, not even lunch or dinner for kids. I didn't get off bed until my husband came home from work and we went to McDonald's and grocery shopping. As soon as we got back I took 3x anxiety meds. I am not anxious, I just can't deal with this life sober.
 
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Nina998

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#65
I started a blog about bipolar disorder about six months ago. However I only wrote six posts before I got bored with writing and got busy with other things when hypomanic. I was thinking maybe continue writing. Writing is helpful and it would give me a purpose. I write in english even though it's not my native language. That's because I want to challenge myself and make sure my audience doesn't know me in real life.
 
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Nina998

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#66
I've been taking sedatives overdoze. I wasn't prescribed benzos because how I use them wrong but I was prescribed Atarax. Not so much potential using wrong but I guess even a thought that I want to misuse them tells where I am at.

I think I have to take many tomorrow to deal with saying goodbye to my husbands granny. She has a cancer and won't make it home. It will be so hard to take kids to hospital to say goodbye and explain the situation to them. Our kids are 13, 10 and 8 years old. They will be devastated. They don't know how bad the situation actually is.

I've been thinking about my year. It's been hell of a ride:

4xpsych ward because of depression and being suicidal
3x hypomania
2x ECT
Lithium toxicacy
Thyroid insufficiency
Borderline personality
Self harming
Different medicine trials
Mother-child-support-group
Several overdozes

This is too much for one person, right?
 
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Nina998

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#68
I am thinking of going to ER next week to get a psychiatric evaluation and hopefully be hospitalized again. This is not working. I can't do home life.
 
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savedbygrace2019

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#69
Nina, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I had the answers but it really is just a fight against yourself. The way others "fight" cancer etc is different because usually they still have a strong mind. Sending hugs :grouphug:
 
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Nina998

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#70
Thank you savedbygrace2019 for your kind words.

I went to a hospital today, but there were no room in psych wards. I think I really needed the place but no can do. Anyways I got to chat with a really nice psychiatric nurse for an hour and we made a plan how to cope the next few days before my next appointment with a doctor. That is better than nothing. For me coping is taking lots of sedatives. I've been overdosing every day. The nurse gave me couple of extra pills for the next few days. I am disappointed I couldn't stay in the hospital but at least I get to overdoze with a permission.
 
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Nina998

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#71
I overdozed again and this time not feeling well. I took less than yesterday though but still feeling dizzy and my heart is not feeling right. I hope this goes off soon. I didn't mean this to happen.
 
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Nina998

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#72
Some weird stuff is happening. I got a message from my husband writing me something about our relationship and about me hiding our marital status on Facebook. I changed the status public and answered to his message with a heart emoji. Later I got back to that message and there wasn't such a message! He couldn't have removed the message from me. There never was such a message.

I also got a message from a person who would never contact me through Facebook. I answered his message with "Hi" but he is already gone. I am thinking if this message is also my mind playing me.

Am I psychotic? I have lots of delusions like neighbours stalking me, these mystery messages and weird sensations on my skin and body. Everything around me feels weird and strange. Good thing I have doctors appointment tomorrow.
 
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Nina998

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#74
Life is really throwing everything at once...

Grandmother is passing away at any minute now. She's unconscious and doesn't have any pains anymore, surrounded by many loved ones.

I told the kids what's the situation is and that all we can do is wait and hope she passes away peacefully. I have to put my own grief and problems aside and be there for the kids.
 
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Nina998

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#75
How do I do this? I need to be at the psych ward and at the same time I need to be there for my loved ones. Which one is more important? How can I do the other without guilt? Do I take care of myself first or support my kids and risk my health?

How can I do both?

I put so much pressure on this doctors appointment. I can't deal with failure or disappointment. If I am not happy there's a serious risk something bad will happen.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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#78
How do I do this? I need to be at the psych ward and at the same time I need to be there for my loved ones. Which one is more important? How can I do the other without guilt? Do I take care of myself first or support my kids and risk my health?

How can I do both?

I put so much pressure on this doctors appointment. I can't deal with failure or disappointment. If I am not happy there's a serious risk something bad will happen.
you have to look after yourself first before you can look after loved ones :hug:

its not selfish, getting yourself into a better place before looking after loved ones :hug:
 

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