I feel so alone with this depression. Some people know I am going through this again but I can't talk to them. At the same time I am alienating myself from other people because I don't want to see anybody.
I need to be heard because I hurt so much. Writing these words feels meaningless. Why am I writing when there is no point? Everything is pointless and meaningless.
Sorry you are feeling this way, hope things will improve soon.
Talk to your doctor about everything, maybe she or he will give you some sessions with a psychologist. Family a d friends dont always understand this problems or you can not be open to them about the way you are feeling from many reasons.
I hope my new doctor is good. One week to go before appointment. I am on a waiting list to a short therapy. It's a free 20 meetings therapy with psychologist. My illness prevents me from a long therapy. I am constantly too ill for a therapy so I think short therapy is the way to go. I am hoping it starts in autumn.
Today I hopefully can forget this all. It's the cruise day. It means I will drink too much because that's the only way I can fake smile or laugh. Things will probably get worse after this. If I am not well I usually crash after having to keep it together and fake fun. And we all know alcohol makes it worse.
Ok, that's it. I don't go well with alcohol. This needs to stop. It's been a problem ever since I first tasted. And I haven't learned during these 18 years. I have to get rid of alcohol for good. But how?
I just want to disappear. I will be hospitalized in a week if I even make it that far. It's starting to feel like a good idea.
Going in 30 minutes. Wish me luck. If the wards are not booked up, it's usually easy to get in. I hope the wait is not many hours. I've walked off before when the wait was intolerable. However I have taken care of medication. I took that much I may pass out on a pench. But at least I am super calm and sedated.
Family is coming for a visit today and bring me some clothes and stuff. This is a closed ward and quite small. Nurses are okay but I miss the ones from the other hospital. I am on a waiting list for a transfer though. All wards seem to be full. Would be easier to be closer to home and see kids more often.
My wounds got treated unfortunately it's too late for stiches. They are ugly and not healing properly. Tomorrow is time for doctor and some blood tests. I don't know how long they gonna keep me here. I hope they won't send me home too early because the wards are full.
Met the doctor. He was good. He suggested I could have borderline too with bipolar. Did some tests and interview about borderline. The next step is ECT. Starting tomorrow if blood tests are good. Been there before so no big deal. Lithium stays the same, Quetiapine increase 700mg and possibly new drug, Latuda. Transfer happening as soon as there's a spot for me. Easier for family to be closer to home.
First ECT done. Next on Wednesday. I get six times at first. They usually give 6-12 times. Last time I got 10. It was seven months ago. It really made a huge difference but the affect didn't last long. It also helped with anxiety and delusions.
I am little sad that no-one of my family hasn't asked how I am doing or about my treatment. I get it, my parents are travelling but it doesn't cost a thing to send a text.
I recieved total six times of ECT. I was discharged on last Friday and now I am trying to find purpose again. I was diagnosed with borderline so I've been studying my new diagnosis. It feels so hard to get back to my old life.