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Going back to old ways, kind of...TRIGGER WARNING

  • Thread starter idontwanttolivelikethis
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idontwanttolivelikethis

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Hi there! I suffer from multiple mental health issues and am currently an inpatient but there’s something going on that I can’t come clean to my team about...

Essentially, when I was younger, I struggled badly with bulimia, but over the years I got better and didn’t consider it a problem for a long time, until recently.

A few years ago, I was diagnosed with gastroparesis, which essentially means my stomach is partially paralysed and I struggle to digest food. This lead to ‘flare ups’ where I’d find it impossible to consume any food or fluids without vomiting. This could last for days or even weeks but would eventually resolve itself and in my day to day life I would struggle with nausea and occasional vomiting but it was manageable.

Then the trouble began. In the last few months, my condition has deteriorated to the point that I cannot consume solid food without vomiting, at all. So I get all my calories and nutrients via fortisps several times a day.

But I realised that means I can eat without consequence, right? Because I just keep on purging until my stomach is empty, and then take some anti emetics to help settle the nausea. So I began abusing this, ordering takeaways all the time and binging constantly, knowing that my gastroparesis would occur, and I’d continue to lose weight, especially if I ate right after my fortisps because it would empty my stomach completely. I was kidding myself for a while, telling myself this was fine, but deep down I know it’s not, I’m abusing my illness to meet my own distorted thinking.

Because I’m on a mental health ward, I have the luxury of them thinking ‘this isn’t an eating disorder’ because they can see just how sick I get after eating without physically purging whilst them also being ignorant enough to the medical side of my issue that they don’t see me eating and being sick as an issue, despite the fact that the dietician has recommended a strictly fluid diet.

The truth is, I’ve turned my illness back into an eating disorder. It really dawned on me today that this is the reality of what I’m doing but I can’t tell my team this. I know at some point the doctors are going to turn to me and say they will need to place a NJ tube due to the building malnutrition and continued weight loss but I can’t seem to help myself. I’m out of control.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest.
 
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bpd2020

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Hello and welcome to the forum. You have come a long way to recognise your behaviour is unhealthy. Please be honest with the staff. Tell them what is going on so they can help you through this. You are in the best place to recover now.
 
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idontwanttolivelikethis

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Hello and welcome to the forum. You have come a long way to recognise your behaviour is unhealthy. Please be honest with the staff. Tell them what is going on so they can help you through this. You are in the best place to recover now.
I know you’re right, thank you. I need to pluck up the courage and face this.
 
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bpd2020

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The courage is deep in you. You were courageous enough to post on here. You are brave.
 
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idontwanttolivelikethis

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I thought I’d better do this now before I talk myself out of it, I got as far as the office and turned back. Couldn’t even bring myself to knock. I’ve put on a lot of weight in the time I’ve been in hospital, over the past few months I’ve been slowly losing it and in recent weeks it’s been coming off quicker and the voices are urging me not to tell anyone, “you want to be thin again, don’t you?”. They’re right, I do. The only solution my mind can come up with is to quit the food, so I’m not sick anymore, but quit the fortisips too. Just drop all calories. I’m sorry if this is triggering to anyone reading this, I just feel at a loss.
 
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bpd2020

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You did well to walk to the office. Would it be easier to write it down and give the letter to the doctor? The voices are wrong. They are not helping you to get better. You have to ignore them.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Safety notice.

If you've been adversely effected by the contents of this thread please contact a member of the forum safety team, while we take great care to make sure threads containing details of eating disorders are safe to read for others this is a rather unique case. We've decided to allow this thread but are aware it may be triggering to others.

Your feedback is invaluable to us and will help us assess these kind of threads in the future.

Many thanks,

NWiddi - Forum Safety Team.
 
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idontwanttolivelikethis

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Jul 24, 2020
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Thank you for
Safety notice.

If you've been adversely effected by the contents of this thread please contact a member of the forum safety team, while we take great care to make sure threads containing details of eating disorders are safe to read for others this is a rather unique case. We've decided to allow this thread but are aware it may be triggering to others.

Your feedback is invaluable to us and will help us assess these kind of threads in the future.

Many thanks,

NWiddi - Forum Safety Team.
Thank you for allowing this thread to say, I am so sorry if it has triggered anybody in any way, that was not at all my intention and I tried my best to write it in such a way that it did not give any explicit details or come across in a triggering way, again I apologise for any upset I may have caused. I just needed a ‘safe place’ to be honest about my struggles.
 
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bpd2020

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You do not need to apologise. You did not go into details so your post is fine. You did the right thing to come on here and seek support.
 
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emmaleemochizuki

Active member
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Apr 13, 2020
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Please please tell them, for your own safety sake.

I'm sure you know how dangerous binge and purging can get. Not just weight, but you can really mess up your electrolytes.

Please please seek help, and the earlier you can stop this, the easier it is for you to stop and the better things are.
 
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