Going around in circles

J

Juls

New member
Joined
Mar 1, 2019
Messages
2
Location
France
I'm almost 27, I've been battling depression for more than 5 years, with therapy and medicines, but I feel like I'm not going anywhere. I go through some terrible times when self-hate, despair and suicidal tendencies eat away everything else in my life, and then I shift to more "relaxed" times where I'm either numb or just sad and mildly self-hating, to then again fall down the rabbit hole when a trigger sneaks up on me.
The only progress I've made is recognizing certain patterns as they happen.
The worst trigger for me seems to be romantic interest - I periodically grow romantically attached to men I barely know and who show no interest in me whatsoever, and then this feeling of unrequited affection grows and grows and becomes despair and self-hate for not being good enough to be loved by them.
I'm perfectly able to look at this rationally, I can see that I set myself up to fail each time, as this only happens in situations where I'm aware that the other person is uninterested in me romantically to begin with, and/or we barely know each other and are very incompatible.
I can see the pattern, but I'm unable to stop the fall once it begins.

Now I can feel it happening again, in a moment where I'm already struggling to keep up with what little life I managed to rebuild, and I'm not even able to talk about it to my therapist - the shame is too strong. I know she's not there to judge me, but talking about this out loud makes me hate myself to an insane degree, it kills every bit of self-respect I have left. I open my mouth and nothing comes out, I just can't admit it's happening again.
I'm so tired, I can't concentrate in neither study or work, sadness and self-hate is eating me away and an ugly depressive episode is building up, I can feel it, and I'm powerless to stop it with logical reasoning.

At the same time, a part of me longs for it, as it provides an outlet to suicidal tendencies. I get to come out of the numbness and that sort of subtle humiliation that comes from going on with your life while trying to ignore how much you despise yourself, and I think to myself "maybe this time I finally get to the end of the road - I'll sob and cry on the floor again, I'll hurt myself again, but then I'll finally find the courage tidy up my stuff, share a few last jokes with my friends and then end my life in a way that looks like an accident".
When I have these thoughts, I know it's the mental illness talking, but at the same time I don't see a future for me - I never did. The most I can envision is a static, fading version of the present stretching up to the moment I get miserable enough to end my life.

I hope sharing these thoughts here and getting them off my chest helps me at least getting some rest in the next few hours.
Any similar experience or feeling or observation is of course welcome.
To everybody that's going through similar issues, I wish you the best of luck; maybe I'm not strong enough, but I hope you will be.
 
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Victorianna

Victorianna

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 8, 2019
Messages
788
Location
California, USA
I think you’re strong. Anyone who fights depression is strong - they have to be. There are ups and downs, and I’m sorry you’re down right now.
You say this is a pattern for you, and that you’ve been seeing a therapist. Have they given you any advice about this situation - not this time - I know you said you aren’t disclosing it now - but in the past, and what you can do about it?
Also, are you on medication right now? Is it possible it’s not working? Sometimes you have to try different ones until you hit on the right one for you.
I see a future for you. You have a job, are studying, have friends. There are good things in your life!
:hug:
 
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