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Girlfriend depression episode? Feel helpless.

J

jesterace

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
2
Location
UK
Hi i'll try and keep this simple. I'm looking for advice really. I can't say i know the full story about this girl yet but i know some. We have only been together about 6 months. She made the first move and we both adored each other from the get go. Talk every day, meet up regularly. Love each others company. Met her family and friends. She is one of the most kindest amazing people I've ever met. Cares so much for me in the way she speaks/texts me and she shows it in just the same way in person. Says she can't believe she found me and i'm all the things that her ex wasn't and she is afraid to lose me... Tells me she misses me and can't wait to see me again. The story goes on. I'm not a saint, but i do feel the same about her and I've told her that many times. I've had to because she struggles to believe it.

She quickly explained early on that her ex was physical with her, threatening and she couldn't face another bloke afterwards. Somehow we got together and she said I've moved the goalposts and slowly shown her that there are good blokes out there. She said that the whole ordeal in the past made her quite depressed. She is taking meds but i was afraid to ask what they were right away in case i spook her. She was up front in that she said to be prepared for mood swings and times when she might say things she regrets or try to push me away when she doesn't want to. I've said all along that i will be there and i don't intend running away be it as a friend, boyfriend or whatever. Since day one I've complimented her, threw my arms around her and made her feel wanted. She tells me she couldn't understand why i'd want to be with her? I know this is some of the depression coming out but i just tell her the truth all the time how wonderful and amazing she is. I didn't realize i was doing something alien to her.

Cut a long story short she has kids and recently one of them broke their arm playing football. Since that moment things seemed to change dramatically. Naturally she is under pressure looking after her kids and that is no surprise to me. I don't expect to be a priority but i do know she has an army of help around her with friends and family. Communication pretty much died. A couple of times she text me and apologized for being off with me and distant. I gave her my support and said not to worry just look after the kids and if she needs anything i'll be there. Shout, scream, cry, whatever... just be open with me because we are in it together. Told her I love her and can't wait to see her again soon if she feels up to it or as soon as things get better. I've contacted her to see how shes doing but no reply. I got a random message one morning saying again she was sorry and she is really struggling and that she hides herself away from the world. Then she told me that I deserve more, and better than her. I've had similar conversations in the past (right from day one) with her where she has explained that she isn't good enough for anyone and why would anyone want her, I must be crazy etc.

I know that she gets very little sleep. Maybe 3-4 hours a night if shes lucky (says her brain never stops whizzing around) but she doesn't really help herself sometimes because she says she stays up late watching TV. I've sometimes said to her that she maybe should just focus on getting some sleep. One time she threw a wobbly when I said to try and get some sleep, you might feel better for it. Turn the TV off for a change, try some music on low or read a book or something to try and drift off? She shouted "NOOOOO!!!", the phone went down and she never spoke for a couple of days. She never really explained why she went nuclear but I apologized if i was coming across like i was telling her what to do - i just care thats all. She seemed ok-ish afterwards and she said that what happened didn't matter. Weirdly we spoke a day or two later and she said she got some sleep and she actually turned the TV off (kind of like she gave in and took some advice?). Next day she said she was tired and in a shocking mood and even she wouldn't want to be around herself. Her sleep pattern is just all over the place. Shes had a few rows at work.

Communication is now pretty much dead for the past few days. I'll drop her a good night message because i feel guilty that she is going through hell alone but at the same time she won't talk or engage in any proper conversation so i feel helpless.

She has said in the past when she was heavily depressed that she considered suicide. Her close relatives got her to the doctors and she has been "ok" since.

Naturally i'm worried now. If shes hidden herself away because of me, i'd rather her just tell me. If it's something bigger and i'm sat here in the dark, it's worrying me sick as to what is actually going on because of the stuff that i know has happened in the past. I don't know if shes so depressed that shes waiting for me to say that i'm done, or if its because she hasn't got the bottle to push me away and say it herself, or if it's just a whole depression episode thing eating her away.

The more i think about it all the more i begin to think, is this bipolar??

Part of me feels that i should just completely leave her alone and not contact her again until she feels she can contact me or the world. The other part feels guilty because if i don't keep in contact, i'm letting her down. I'm letting her down anyway because i can't do anything - she won't let me in.

I had this lightbulb moment today where i considered contacting one of her closest relations and just mentioning how she was in confidence, since maybe they can check on her or talk to her if she feels she can't talk to anyone else. I don't know if i'm doing right or wrong.

Any ideas?

Thanks,
Jay.
 
JuliaW54

JuliaW54

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 4, 2019
Messages
139
Location
UK
Hi i'll try and keep this simple. I'm looking for advice really. I can't say i know the full story about this girl yet but i know some. We have only been together about 6 months. She made the first move and we both adored each other from the get go. Talk every day, meet up regularly. Love each others company. Met her family and friends. She is one of the most kindest amazing people I've ever met. Cares so much for me in the way she speaks/texts me and she shows it in just the same way in person. Says she can't believe she found me and i'm all the things that her ex wasn't and she is afraid to lose me... Tells me she misses me and can't wait to see me again. The story goes on. I'm not a saint, but i do feel the same about her and I've told her that many times. I've had to because she struggles to believe it.

She quickly explained early on that her ex was physical with her, threatening and she couldn't face another bloke afterwards. Somehow we got together and she said I've moved the goalposts and slowly shown her that there are good blokes out there. She said that the whole ordeal in the past made her quite depressed. She is taking meds but i was afraid to ask what they were right away in case i spook her. She was up front in that she said to be prepared for mood swings and times when she might say things she regrets or try to push me away when she doesn't want to. I've said all along that i will be there and i don't intend running away be it as a friend, boyfriend or whatever. Since day one I've complimented her, threw my arms around her and made her feel wanted. She tells me she couldn't understand why i'd want to be with her? I know this is some of the depression coming out but i just tell her the truth all the time how wonderful and amazing she is. I didn't realize i was doing something alien to her.

Cut a long story short she has kids and recently one of them broke their arm playing football. Since that moment things seemed to change dramatically. Naturally she is under pressure looking after her kids and that is no surprise to me. I don't expect to be a priority but i do know she has an army of help around her with friends and family. Communication pretty much died. A couple of times she text me and apologized for being off with me and distant. I gave her my support and said not to worry just look after the kids and if she needs anything i'll be there. Shout, scream, cry, whatever... just be open with me because we are in it together. Told her I love her and can't wait to see her again soon if she feels up to it or as soon as things get better. I've contacted her to see how shes doing but no reply. I got a random message one morning saying again she was sorry and she is really struggling and that she hides herself away from the world. Then she told me that I deserve more, and better than her. I've had similar conversations in the past (right from day one) with her where she has explained that she isn't good enough for anyone and why would anyone want her, I must be crazy etc.

I know that she gets very little sleep. Maybe 3-4 hours a night if shes lucky (says her brain never stops whizzing around) but she doesn't really help herself sometimes because she says she stays up late watching TV. I've sometimes said to her that she maybe should just focus on getting some sleep. One time she threw a wobbly when I said to try and get some sleep, you might feel better for it. Turn the TV off for a change, try some music on low or read a book or something to try and drift off? She shouted "NOOOOO!!!", the phone went down and she never spoke for a couple of days. She never really explained why she went nuclear but I apologized if i was coming across like i was telling her what to do - i just care thats all. She seemed ok-ish afterwards and she said that what happened didn't matter. Weirdly we spoke a day or two later and she said she got some sleep and she actually turned the TV off (kind of like she gave in and took some advice?). Next day she said she was tired and in a shocking mood and even she wouldn't want to be around herself. Her sleep pattern is just all over the place. Shes had a few rows at work.

Communication is now pretty much dead for the past few days. I'll drop her a good night message because i feel guilty that she is going through hell alone but at the same time she won't talk or engage in any proper conversation so i feel helpless.

She has said in the past when she was heavily depressed that she considered suicide. Her close relatives got her to the doctors and she has been "ok" since.

Naturally i'm worried now. If shes hidden herself away because of me, i'd rather her just tell me. If it's something bigger and i'm sat here in the dark, it's worrying me sick as to what is actually going on because of the stuff that i know has happened in the past. I don't know if shes so depressed that shes waiting for me to say that i'm done, or if its because she hasn't got the bottle to push me away and say it herself, or if it's just a whole depression episode thing eating her away.

The more i think about it all the more i begin to think, is this bipolar??

Part of me feels that i should just completely leave her alone and not contact her again until she feels she can contact me or the world. The other part feels guilty because if i don't keep in contact, i'm letting her down. I'm letting her down anyway because i can't do anything - she won't let me in.

I had this lightbulb moment today where i considered contacting one of her closest relations and just mentioning how she was in confidence, since maybe they can check on her or talk to her if she feels she can't talk to anyone else. I don't know if i'm doing right or wrong.

Any ideas?

Thanks,
Jay.
Sometimes it’s best to back off, give her some time to process things. You can only do so much. I hope whatever happens, it’s for the best for both of you.
 
J

JamFRUK

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 2, 2019
Messages
50
Location
London
Hey Jay
It's hard to give a diagnosis without well, being a professional but also knowing the person. There is no way to tell you what this is. It could be BPD, it could be bipolar disorder. For now, let's put this aside cause it won't help trying to guess.

What I can tell you from experience is that when you are depressed, it can be extra hard to communicate, even with people you love. I love my mum. In the past 3 weeks, I attempted suicide and been diagnosed with severe depression. I have not spoken to my mum in 2 months. At best I text her but talking was too much. Same with the few friends I have. I started isolating months ago, while my depression was getting worse. I stopped seeing people, I would just text from time to time.

The best you can do is remind her you are here. Tell her, no pressure to reply. I read an article from a depressed woman who said one of her friend would text her every week even knowing she would seldom reply, because she knew her kind words helped.

Give her space but also remind her you are around and here to listen judgement free if she needs to talk.
 
J

jesterace

New member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
2
Location
UK
Thank you everyone for your help so far. For the most part I've left her alone at the moment, but just gave her a short good night and best wishes text the past few evenings to keep communication open - although she hasn't read or responded. I actually put in the last one that she shouldn't feel like she has to reply, but just know i'm here and i'll be thinking of her.

The last actual text she sent to me a few days ago was that she was sorry she was being distant and "off it" and that it was "...no reflection on me xxx".

I'll try and be patient and take on board what she is saying. As this is all new to me. Its hard for me not to think that I am the reason. I suppose I should be grateful that she hasn't blocked my number or communication paths completely with whatever is going on. That must mean something I suppose. I know she wouldn't hesitate in blocking me if I was the issue. She can be a feisty girl and shes said before in loose conversation that "if you ever nark me off I'll just block the number".

Maybe in a couple of days i'll see if she might pickup the phone just to say hi but I won't push it. If she does pickup and i ask how she is i know i'll get the generic "i'm fine" answer. If she does pickup i'm going to be worried what I will say. My gut wants me to ask "Do you feel like you can tell me a little of whats wrong?", instead of just asking whats wrong like i might be expecting answers...

Thanks again,
Jay.
 
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