Getting Used to the Dark

[Enpi]

Hi all
This is something that's been bothering me for a while. I've been much better in the past year. I've reduced my sh from everyday to once every few months and my depression has become less severe. I also used to feel numb and empty, but that feeling is almost gone too. I would never have imagined that things may change like this. I thought I'd never be natural. I thought I'd never know what it's like to live without mental illness. Now all of this seems possible but I'm not sure if I want it! It's like I've got used to it. I've got used to being alone. I've got used to having a horrible secret that nobody knows about. I've got used to losing my head sometimes and acting violently and uncontrolably. It's like getting used to the dark and fearing the light! I'm really confused. Any advice?

 

[Bluemoon]

As someone else who is in recovery, I must share your feelings in this matter. I have periods where I feel like I used to do before I was unwell. They don't last long right now, but they are somewhat scary for me, because I'm just not used to feeling normal. The rest of the time it's like I feel numb and empty, maybe that's just the medication though. It's not so bad since it was reduced quite a bit these past couple of years. Stress is another thing, I can feel a lot of stress having to keep my illness a secret from other people outside of the family. When people start asking questions, I have to evade and bend the truth a lot and I don't like doing so - but what else can you do to protect your privacy ?

I can get worked up as well, I've lost my temper with family ( but thankfully not often ) and regretted it afterwards. I'm always saying sorry for that, but they understand when I tell them what's bothering me. I know it's more to do with me and how I'm feeling deep down, which is frustrated with not being able to lead the life I want. The main thing though, is that I'm taking steps towards that. Doing voluntary work as a start, working out at the gym regularly and joining a walking club.

Your right though, getting better does feel like getting used to the light again. Being in this darkness for so long feels like wearing old leather. You get so used to it that after a while you forget how to feel any other way. It's a strange thing but maybe that's how it feels for us all ?

The only advice I can offer you is to take each day as it comes, try not to expect anything and do a little more towards achieving what you want each day. As long as you are moving towards the light slowly, the experience of recovery will bring along some surprises once you get going. Believe me, this is coming from my personal experiences right now.

It's strange, but when I don't try very much ( or think very much ) things just seem to happen for me. Positive things. It seems to be the opposite when I do try ( or think a lot ) and I wonder why that is. Life is strange.

I hope that helps .

 

[Apotheosis]

It's like getting used to the dark and fearing the light! I'm really confused. Any advice?

I think that such things are common. There is truth in the saying that we get used to the pain of the familiar, it can often be harder to move away from negativity & embrace positive change - than to stay with negative patterns of behaviour & thinking.

The light can be sometimes more scary than the dark - you are not alone with such things.

Someone has just replied this to me on another forum; & for me it rings true -

In fact, the whole problem is that the current allopathic model is designed to attack illness instead of to create wellness. Allopathic medicine is great for emergencies, but often misses the boat on prevention and restoration...and the corruption connections between illness-makers and treatment overlords built a culture that puts people into a state of chronic illness and keeps them there, where they are convinced that they must use these products forever.

 

[Enpi]

Thank you both. You've helped. You really have!

 

[Bluemoon]

Your welcome Enpi and I'm pleased to hear that .

I agree with what you say Apotheosis, it can be very hard to break the negative cycles of thinking and feeling. I've had my times living in the negative and how frustrating it can be to your loved ones to see. They can't seem to grasp it until they've been through it themselves. With my mother having problems with her bi-polar, I have had a lot of understanding from her. My father and brother, can't really understand. Moving towards the positive way of thinking takes time and a lot of effort ( it's different for everyone in terms of how much ) but once you start getting back on the right track, it gradually gets easier.

The trick is though, when bad things happen, is to keep going down that positive road and manage things without altering course and heading back towards the negative way but that's easier said than done.

Also, prevention is better than cure as you've say and I hope that more support is provided in the work place in the future so that when a worker starts to become unwell that things are in place to help him/ her get through it and prevent a full episode from occurring.

I like "restoration" and "creating wellness, " I wish there was more focus on that. I tend to think of it more as "regeneration" ( haha, Doctor Who ! ) - healing, recovery and becoming like a new person rather than going back to exactly how you were before. Which after 12 years of new experiences, isn't really going to happen otherwise I'd be acting like an 18 year old again . Some things are bound to feel similar, as I mentioned on my first post.

 

[Apotheosis]

I have been thinking about this. I have been to some very dark places. That has altered me & partly made me who I am. Someone replied this to me recently; that made a lot of sense -

It's so easy to be drawn into the idea of being "fixed", "cured", "better" etc...that I think people (professionals more so) forget that sometimes it's about being with the awfulness of it all... Living with the darkness, in my opinion, is part of living and to be alive.