• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Getting started dealing with things?

  • Thread starter subterraneanmarmoset
  • Start date
S

subterraneanmarmoset

New member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
2
Location
New Jersey
[tw: suicide, eating disorder (sort of)]

tldr at bottom

Hello!

I'm going to make an attempt to make this as coherent and unrepetitive as possible, but I'm not great at explaining feelings like this so apologies if things seem a bit disjointed or out of place! This might be a lot but I will try to break it up into pieces as best I can.

Disclaimer: I am not looking for a diagnosis, but if you think there's a forum that might be more useful, please please point me there :)

So I've been meaning to look for something like this forum for a while, but there are a couple different reasons. Here's a small list of things, which may be incomplete (see item 2):

1. I get very fixated on things, and I feel like I don't have control over my actions. I'm not the busiest person you've ever met: I'm in college, I'm not taking so many classes, and I certainly have quite a bit of extra time beyond doing schoolwork. But any time I try to do anything, I hear a voice that says "you can't do that, you have work to do." Right now this is keeping me from cooking: Financially it's stretching me to eat out, but even when I finally convince myself I can "spare" an hour to get groceries, they'll sit in the fridge for maybe 3 or 4 days before I can convince myself that I have time to cook them (even though cooking lasts me about 4 days since it's just for me and I have tupperware, the greatest invention known to humankind). In the same vein, I'm not really eating enough because any time I spend money I hear "you can't afford that" even when I'm buying the cheapest most paltry food available, and pretty much nothing else. Somehow my solution to "you cant afford that" was eating less instead of buckling down and cooking. It doesn't convince me to work either: I'll just sit on Youtube or even stare at a new tab and get more and more stressed.

It's also keeping me from doing other things: I went and got dinner with my crush, and I wasn't even able to form full sentences because I was so fixated on an unimportant assignment that I wasn't done with that I couldn't even do anything about from where I was. It was super embarrassing and demoralizing, and almost every time I see people in person (only two people I don't live with and even them I only see outside at a distance) it's the same story: either I can't talk about anything else or I can't talk at all. Sometimes I'll stutter a bunch of times until I can get something out but other times I'll just trail off.

I also have other things I've been fixated on that are convincing me that I'm not just super into doing work or something: I spent upwards of 50 hours rearranging my phone's home screen in the span of less than a week: I had problems sleeping because I kept hearing "it isn't right yet" and even though I sleep 11-7 almost daily, I went to bed with the sunrise at least once. I also then spent 15 hours making a personal website that I absolutely don't need, and I was physically shaking because it was upsetting me so much that there were small typoes that it took forever to fix everywhere they were present.

I'm also struggling not to focus on being academically "good enough." I've decided that I don't care about how well I do in what I study or what happens to me as long as I put in the necessary work (I'll usually work myself way way way too hard, because I feel like I need to work so hard that it took a friend talking to me for like 2 hours telling me I needed to drop a class for my own health before I could convince myself to do it). But even so, if I get a slightly subpar grade on a small assignment in a class I don't care about and won't affect me in the slightest, I get set into a tailspin. Even though I literally don't care about it in terms of what it could mean: it's not like "oh you did bad on this now you can't achieve your dreams or get such and such a GPA" it's just like a tic, like "oh you did bad on this that isn't the way it's supposed to be."

And of course I have your garden-variety tics, but now that I'm older they're less frequent: I have a sizable bald spot right in the front of my head because I used to pull it out, I have the gene where I can wiggle my ears and sometimes if I don't wiggle them in a way that is "the same" on both sides I have to fix that, and if I tap on a table one way with one hand I sometimes have to do it the same way with the other hand and if I mess up I have to try again with both hands to even out the first one, etc. These aren't like always the same: they change a lot, and sometimes I have none at all!

1. I have really intense mood swings. I've had mood swings since high school, and they get more or less intense, but they're almost always around. The whole cycle will last between 8 hours and a couple of days, so in a 24-hour cycle I might feel really good in the morning ready to take on anything, by about 4pm I'll feel a little like everything in life is repetitive, by 6 I'll feel like nothing matters and by 10 I'll be extremely upset, a lot of the time with physical pain like a intense headache (kind of feels like a muscle cramp is a good way to describe it) or like stomach acid (maybe I'm just not eating right haha), and I'll be suicidal a lot of those times. It's really starting to have a negative effect on those [virtually] close to me: it's happened before, but I'm starting to complain a lot about things in conversations, and while they generally won't block me and even offer to like talk to me about it sometimes, I feel awful burdening them with things. I just want to be able to have normal conversations again.

2. I have a very poor memory. The reason I mention this is that I feel extremely trapped very fast and it's tough to make a routine for my life, which I think I need. I won't go outside for a day, and it will feel like it's been a week since I can't remember the last time I went outside. I'll skip a shower one time and it will feel like I've never showered before. It makes it tough to make a schedule, because I don't have like a proper frame of reference like "oh, you haven't showered since yesterday" because I can't remember whether that's true. I'll accidentally do things twice, or I'll get exhausted asking myself "did I do what I needed to do?" a hundred times over. And even then I miss things. The greatest job I ever had I almost didn't get because I checked everything a hundred times, but the day after the deadline I got a very nice email from the head of the program saying that I had forgotten to hit submit. I've had a huge crush on a girl since the beginning of the year, and whenever we talk I can't even remember anything about her, which breaks the whole premise of having a crush on someone where you're supposed to retain those things.

3. I have a very small attention span. I'll be in the middle of a conversation, and while the other person is talking to me I'll tune out. This kinda follows from the first one though.


This is all I've got I guess. I've also got to stop because I feel like I need to post this before getting dinner, and I'm super hungry now. TLDR is that I'm struggling to get over compulsive stuff, especially related to food. My parents are well-off but they don't believe in mental health (despite being around mental health issues in their families) so I can't use their insurance to get a real doctor, and I can't very well afford one myself, seeing that I'm barely able to afford food [we aren't close enough that I can actually talk to them]. While I think medication might be helpful at this point (though I fear it since a lot of family members have problems with it), and I hope to get it some day, I am here to see where to go to start thinking about how to cope with stuff like this. Obviously I'm medicating and exercising and sleeping as much as I can, and maybe what I'm looking for is a magical silver bullet, but if there are any things that people have tried that can keep mood swings away (even if it mutes the highs along with the lows) or that can soothe compulsions?

Alright I totally lost the whole train of thought but I think there's enough scrawled on here to get my questions out

Much love <3
 
Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
3,439
Location
England
:welcome: Hi, you have a lot on your mind, a lot to figure out. I am sorry that your parents won't help you out with a doctor. Is there another way you could describe your difficulties so they do not see it as mental health?
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
1,162
Location
nowhere
You would need to see a mental health professional. This sounds like more than just OCD or mood swings. You are hearing voices that tell you things. They have medicine for this and it would come from a MH doctor.
Are you dependent on your parents? Do you have to do what they say?
 
S

subterraneanmarmoset

New member
Joined
Oct 2, 2020
Messages
2
Location
New Jersey
@Tawny Thank you for your reply! I don't think it would be likely that I could describe it as something else to them, if what I'm looking for is medication for something mental, or if what I'm looking for is therapy.

@Purpleplum Thanks for your response! I should clarify, the voices aren't audible in the same way that an actual voice is, I'm referring instead to like a strong nagging feeling that's very pointed at this one thing (though sometimes I'll start repeating it out loud). Didn't intend for that to be misleading! I don't think I said anything else that could be misunderstood but apologies if I did.

While I'm not dependent on my parents in any other way at this point, I am on their health insurance (though I haven't been to the doctor in years so I don't really have to "do what they say" in any real capacity). However, I'm already about 10k in debt and I'll be in around 20k in a couple years, and I'm living mostly off of savings from other jobs for the time being (made the not perfect decision of living near the school this year to get away from them, and it's more expensive here), so I don't think I'll be able to afford any sort of actual mental health services in the near future.

I think that given my current financial situation the best I'm really able to do is to just try to keep things at bay, so I was wondering if there are any substitute ways that can be sort of self-regulated.
 
Top