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Getting it off my chest

L

LadySoltudo

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2015
Messages
6
I'm not really expecting any responses to this but I really need to get this off my chest because I've nobody close to talk to.

I don't know what's wrong with me but it's like no matter what happens, I cannot feel happy. If I'm alone, I feel scared and it's hard to block out the voice in my head that's been making my life a misery for years. If I'm with other people, my anxiety goes through the roof and again, it's hard to block out the voice. I can't walk to the corner shop without feeling like everybody is staring at me and getting on the bus is a nightmare I have to endure every day. By the time I get to work I'm a sweating wreck, which is only made worse by the humiliation of my boss sending me emails on body odour, despite that I use three deodorants when I get into work. If I could quit, I would but without my job, I'll also become homeless.

I have never been diagnosed with anything, mainly because after over a year of having my so-called care worker make me feel worse without actually trying to help me I just told them that the voice had gone and that I was beginning to feel okay. Not my best choice but it was better than listening to my care worker lie about me.

Usually, I can ignore the voice but lately it's getting more and more difficult. I can feel the hatred burning inside me every time I look in a mirror and I'm having to bottle up all the anger at myself. I can barely concentrate on anything and when I get like this I take it out on the people I know. Thankfully, I live alone, but it makes me not want to visit my family and I already feel cut off from them as it is.

I'm not going to go on and on, I already feel like I'm waffling.
I just want to wake up in a morning and not feel the disappointment of knowing I have yet another day to force my way through :/
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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I'm sorry to hear your position at the moment; that shocked me about your boss.
You're not alone in feeling like this.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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13,531
Location
The West Country
Yeah, I agree with Sprinkles, that isn't very nice to be getting e-mails like that from your boss.

When you say a voice, is it like a different voice or more like an inner voice?

Is your care-worker from the mental health team? If you don't feel like you can communicate with the one you've got, you are entitled to ask to see somebody different. It might take a while, depending on where you live, but if it means you'd be more honest and open about what's going on for you, it's definitely worth doing.

It really does sound like things are getting to a point where you're daily life is becoming seriously affected, and that's when you need the support that you're not getting at the moment.

Also, with regards to your work and living situation, I wonder if you'd ever considered benefits an option? You may be eligible for housing benefit, though I can't say if you'd get enough to cover your whole rent (depends on your circumstances).
It may not be something you'd consider, but I suppose I just want you to know that you're not completely trapped in your situation.
 
L

LadySoltudo

Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2015
Messages
6
It's strange, it's a male voice that I've had consistently for years, I've had a couple of others but they all go eventually. I can hear him inside my head but never outside it. My care worker says that makes a difference but I don't know what that really means. All I know is that he manipulates me, makes me see shadows and will not leave. Sometimes he is nice but that never lasts very long. In a strange way I think that's why he's still around because I do like the nice side of him and I'd miss him. but the bad side makes me feel worthless and convinces me I need punishing for the stuff he makes me think.

I don't know, I had a couple of different care workers but I didn't really feel comfortable around any of them :/ I don't really like people. I've learnt the hard way that the only person I can truly rely on is myself. Ironically, so is Ray (the voice). at least he never abandoned me when I needed him.

Unfortunately, I'm not eligible for any benefits. Seeing as I've never been officially diagnosed with anything, I can't get any help.
 
*autumn*

*autumn*

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So great that you're connecting on here xxx
 
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