• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Getting caught up in negative thoughts

LittleAmphipod

LittleAmphipod

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
64
Location
The Netherlands
Hello everyone,

Right now I'm having a difficult time in my life. I thought things were going well until I've been staying for quite some time with my boyfriend. We're together for 5 months now and I only work 3 days a week, that's when I stay home, but usually Friday eve, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday I stay at his place (it's one hour by train). He goes to work every day of the week. I've been planning to live with him in the future once I have a job near his place.

I really spend hours a day thinking. I usually can't stop thinking about things that bug me, I also want to understand everything around me. Why is this person like this? What is the underlying thought of what this person said? What does it mean? How does he/she think? What would it be like to be this person? This goes really far.
I also think/have spent thinking a lot about life and existential matters.

Now I have been through a tough time when I was a teen, where I had an experience regarding sexuality that was quite disturbing to me. I started to hate myself and my body and fears started to rise.

We were at the birthday of his niece yesterday and there were a lot of young people. I had some really interesting conversations with people there, but with the different people. Thinkers, actually. Somehow I think the others are standard and boring, just like his other niece who was sitting next to me and my boyfriend. She was only 17, but still I thought she was stupid just because she believed in fate. 'Well yeah if you die there then you're probably predestined to die, it's your time!' The problem is that my boyfriend really enjoyed teasing her and talking about silly and simple things with her. Now this is harmless, but these feelings of jealousy are at such extreme levels that I feel miserable and I still can't forget her face and what she said. He enjoys talking to her and having fun with her. I feel like punching her in the face. You may think I'm an idiot, but these are my feelings and I don't feel I can control them. I wish to tame and master these useless feelings and thoughts but it's hard. Questions and worries in my head arise:

'Would someone like her be a better match for him since I don't talk as simple as they do together? I don't share humor like that with him.'

'Maybe he used to have more fun with his ex, just like he's having with his niece now, because he once said that he and his ex shared the same humor when I once asked about what they had in common. She looks like his ex a little bit (it made me cringe), maybe she reminds him of her and he thinks she's pretty and interesting.'

'I hate that she looks like his ex, altogether with her stupidity and him enjoying that make me want to punch her in the face. I hate her.'

'Maybe he desires her more because she's more girly than me and wears make up, which he probably doesn't see because he may not notice it and so he thinks she's attractive, maybe even more attractive than me.'

'Deep down she probably wants to steal him from me because he's an attractive guy, even, despite she's his niece and she's probably looking for any disappointment and hate on my face right now.'

Now I'm aware that most of these thoughts are probably not true, and that it's not as bad as it seems. It was probably just niece and nephew having fun. I should be happy for them, but I can't stop thinking about it and at that moment I experienced these feelings of jealousy, hate and fear. It's still on my mind.

My boyfriend loves steam trains and she said: 'I think trains are stupid.'

My brain goes: 'You're stupid. Brainless. Dead. Following the masses. What's there to dislike about trains?'

(I really do realize that I'm mentally not okay to think these things.)

My boyfriend said to me, when I asked about it: 'I actually enjoy when conversations are about nothing. What's more important? Being intelligent or being happy?'

Well, being happy is actually more important. But I said that I was wired like this, to think so much (I'm not saying that I'm very intelligent or something, I'm quite a hypocrite as well because I'm not perfect either). But I have always thought a lot throughout my life. Thinking can also be very interesting. I have the urge to understand everything. To analyze. My thoughts are insanely real to me at times and hard to control (this doesn't mean that I cannot learn how to control this).

In the end I know it's important that we're all happy and respectful and kind to each other. But these feelings keep coming back. I am so caught up in my own world.

And then I had an argument about religion with my boyfriend when we came home. We disagreed (we're both not religious, but we were talking about religion itself and religious people). Not unimportant to mention, I had been drinking as well. It made the feelings stronger. But it does show my everyday thoughts and worries.

I always feel like I enjoy moments the most when I talk about things that are close to existential matters, biology, science, psychology. Things that stimulate my thinking. But I don't talk about that with my boyfriend, we only talk about simple things (not meant in a negative way or anything) or things that can be complicated, but usually only regarding the physical world (mechanics, physics). He's not a thinker at all. I also think that being able to talk about the things that interest me so much isn't a necessity, but I really need to remind myself that it isn't, every time, like I need to remind myself how to be, how to live, how to enjoy life without thinking so much and in such a negative way. And there are so many things that bug me that I need to reread and rethink strategies all the time to cope with it. I get so caught up in negative feelings and thoughts. I always talk about it with my boyfriend, I express how I feel and what's bothering me. I ask what he means when he says something that makes me feel miserable and then I get an answer that calms me down because he meant it in a different/more positive way than I thought. I feel like this will never end.

I sometimes wonder whether we should be together or not. Whether I should rather be together with a thinker. I do enjoy spending time with him, but the thoughts I have are really aching me.

Furthermore, I have a hard time accepting the girls (at the birthday) that are only interested in being like the magazines and tv. Maybe they don't do it intentionally, but they put on so much make up. I never wear any, I'm not saying that this is better but it just bothers me that they change their faces. It's not their authentic self. It's not real. I know I am being a hypocrite when I say this because I like to dye my hair and enjoy having a nice hairdo. I just want to be able to accept others, but I feel like they are alien. They talk in such a different way. With the 'girly-girl accent'. I feel like I can have more interesting conversations with thinkers that are interested in psychology and matters like traveling. But my boyfriend isn't like this. He's really good at certain things and he enjoys the same activities as me, but the way he thinks and talks can sound as if he's still a teen (even though he can also be mature). In the beginning I was really in love with him (I still am, but less, which is normal during the progress of a relationship) and I fell for him because he was adorable and attractive and because he knows a lot about mechanics, is interested in antiques like me, and he's a very creative carpenter (I'm also creative with handwork). He's very visual/spatial and interested in physics and he always comes up with really awesome ideas to create, which I like about him.

Jeez, I'm so far away from seeing the positive things, just because I get so caught up in my negative thoughts. Why do I need to remind myself all the time what I like about him in order to feel better for just one day/moment and then only to slip into some other negative thought for weeks? What's wrong with me? I just need to stop thinking about these stupid things and start enjoying life.

I feel like I'm going completely insane sometimes. I sometimes try to read some things on the internet on how to stop thinking, how to manage my thoughts etc. but it seems to be of no use. Perhaps I need the stimulation of a mutual soul who thinks alike, so we can discuss about the strangest and most interesting things? Or is this just a fantasy that doesn't exist? I don't want to leave my boyfriend, I'm just completely lost.

I feel so far from reality.
 
M

Mastiff mom

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 22, 2014
Messages
1,157
Location
Washington,DC
Dear Littleamphipod, I'm sorry your thoughts are overwhelming you. I've experienced that, too-- obsessive thinking like a hamster wheel in my head. Someone I once knew told me our minds can be like dangerous neighborhoods! Are you in any kind of therapy? I might consider that if you're wanting to learn some techniques for dealing with your thoughts and feelings.wishing you the best. Big hugs.
 
LittleAmphipod

LittleAmphipod

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2014
Messages
64
Location
The Netherlands
Hi Mastiff mom,

Thank you for your reply. It helps to hear that I'm not the only one who has this. It's exactly as you say - obsessive thinking like a hamster wheel in the head.

Right now I'm in therapy at a behavioral psychologist, and it does help to talk about it and find ways on how to cope with my thoughts and feelings. Therapy is helping me a little bit, so I think I will be able to learn how to deal with it eventually.

Sometimes I just slip into obsessive thinking again. But since I also talk about other things with my psychologist, I will try to talk more about this particular problem to see if there is more that I can do.

Thank you!
 
Top