B
bluebell24
Well-known member
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2009
- Messages
- 106
Hi all,
I seem to be on the up (a good up not a crazy one!) but am struggling a wee bit with the new found clear mind and the realisation of just how bad some of the bad things I've done are.
I'm in the process of relocating and today was a bit of an eye-opener; going through old credit bills was a shocker as was finding bag after bag of things I have no recollection of buying!
Much, much worse than any of that though is the cold hard light of day on a few things in particular ...
1) realising quite how detached I was from normality/reality,not just at the peaks & troughs but also when I had convinced myself I was getting better
2) knowing I was SO close to losing my fabulous husband, sometimes because I believed we should no longer be together and others because he needn't have stuck by me
and
3) losing an amazing friendship due to paranoia/neediness/over-reaction/disregarding boundaries. And just to make that worse I ignored requests to cease contact so much so that just a couple of months ago I had a call from an hr director (my friend was also a former colleague) asking me to stop. One step away from an injuction I guess and horrified me to think that I could have harassed someone to this extent.
So, my question is, now I'm getting better, genuinely getting better, what do I do/feel/think to come to terms with all of the above? I always believed myself to be a good and decent person and now I am not so sure. Making amends seems just as implausible.
Has anyone else experienced these kind of feelings and have any tips for dealing with them? It's a such a hurdle for me right now and I feel awfully confused!
Bx
I seem to be on the up (a good up not a crazy one!) but am struggling a wee bit with the new found clear mind and the realisation of just how bad some of the bad things I've done are.
I'm in the process of relocating and today was a bit of an eye-opener; going through old credit bills was a shocker as was finding bag after bag of things I have no recollection of buying!
Much, much worse than any of that though is the cold hard light of day on a few things in particular ...
1) realising quite how detached I was from normality/reality,not just at the peaks & troughs but also when I had convinced myself I was getting better
2) knowing I was SO close to losing my fabulous husband, sometimes because I believed we should no longer be together and others because he needn't have stuck by me
and
3) losing an amazing friendship due to paranoia/neediness/over-reaction/disregarding boundaries. And just to make that worse I ignored requests to cease contact so much so that just a couple of months ago I had a call from an hr director (my friend was also a former colleague) asking me to stop. One step away from an injuction I guess and horrified me to think that I could have harassed someone to this extent.
So, my question is, now I'm getting better, genuinely getting better, what do I do/feel/think to come to terms with all of the above? I always believed myself to be a good and decent person and now I am not so sure. Making amends seems just as implausible.
Has anyone else experienced these kind of feelings and have any tips for dealing with them? It's a such a hurdle for me right now and I feel awfully confused!
Bx