Getting better...not always enjoying the clarity

[bluebell24]

Hi all,

I seem to be on the up (a good up not a crazy one!) but am struggling a wee bit with the new found clear mind and the realisation of just how bad some of the bad things I've done are.

I'm in the process of relocating and today was a bit of an eye-opener; going through old credit bills was a shocker as was finding bag after bag of things I have no recollection of buying!

Much, much worse than any of that though is the cold hard light of day on a few things in particular ...

1) realising quite how detached I was from normality/reality,not just at the peaks & troughs but also when I had convinced myself I was getting better
2) knowing I was SO close to losing my fabulous husband, sometimes because I believed we should no longer be together and others because he needn't have stuck by me
and
3) losing an amazing friendship due to paranoia/neediness/over-reaction/disregarding boundaries. And just to make that worse I ignored requests to cease contact so much so that just a couple of months ago I had a call from an hr director (my friend was also a former colleague) asking me to stop. One step away from an injuction I guess and horrified me to think that I could have harassed someone to this extent.

So, my question is, now I'm getting better, genuinely getting better, what do I do/feel/think to come to terms with all of the above? I always believed myself to be a good and decent person and now I am not so sure. Making amends seems just as implausible.

Has anyone else experienced these kind of feelings and have any tips for dealing with them? It's a such a hurdle for me right now and I feel awfully confused!

Bx

 

[suzy]

I hate the thought of some of the things I did when I was unwell, I don't remember it all, some is embarrassing so I don't want to know, what's all to say is it is the past and will stay there. You can not undo it so there is no point worrying over it, people will forget it and if they love you stand by you and know you only did those things because you were unwell


xx

 

[bluebell24]

Hi Suzy,

thanks for you're reply, i'm afraid I'm just not good at leaving the past behind. I feel as tho I need to work things thru to find peace of mind but that's nor possible when I can't make amends; I can pay off debts, work at my relationship with my husband and do all I can to stay well.

Some things can't be fixed tho. I don't think people do always stick around even when they love you, some times it's too much for even the kindest and most tolerant of people. I still can't get over that and no matter the time & space between us it hurts like hell to have lost a good friend. And it's left me scared to death of friendship. I can't actually conceive of a time when I'd let myself make a new friend now. Thunk I come with too much baggage & risk these days ... being my friend can have nasty side effects apparently!

Sorry, warbling on. Bit down; my three month probationary period in a new job was extended today due to my inconsistency & lack of confidence.

God knows I could do with that good friend back to put a smile in my face. I've made such a mess of everything : (