Getting Banned, On The Internet

Chris Walken

Chris Walken

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Okay. Librium down the neck. Think I'll grab a beer. Then, sitting as comfortably as I seem able, lately? I'll begin. God knows where it'll lead us.

Each day, I fire up this machine and begin my day. Time was, I'd have half a dozen, usually quite long, emails, from friends. Then, I'd wade into the fora and would try to answer as many posts, directed at or otherwise fascinating me, as I could. Until my day ended in exhaustion, and stuff left till tomorrow.

Then, I became blessed with chronic PTSD. I developed this amazing ability to go from 0 to 60, before a Ferrari even saw me move. I developed the persona of a Honey Badger, crossed with a Pit Bull, on steroids, with a fucking tooth ache. And That, it seems made me a walking, talking target for every prick on every forum out there. Especially those pricks who'd be slung a Mod badge, by the site owner who couldn't give a fuck.

Or; Maybe I've just become a walking liability, with a super enhanced ability to upset the shit out of 90% of people who come across what I type? Maybe my response, to my own condition, has moulded me into some sort of Marvel Comics " Mega Prick " character?

I remember my old dear actually, and literally, lamenting the fact that she could no longer recognise what her own son had become. And, she's been dead well over a decade. God alone knows how I've mutated since?

But, I Do Know I'm in a shit ton world of fucking pain! I can't help it. They couldn't help it. You can't help it. And, I'm frankly fucking terrified. Because, when I fired up this machine today? THIS was the only place left, on the known (to me) internet where I can post! I'm Banned From The Fucking Internet!!!

I can read shit. Sure. There are fora where the great unwashed can sit and stare at what Members are posting. But, I'm like a ghost. The invisible, muted man. " Great post, mate! ". " In my experience? The cause might well be ..... ". " Oh, ye can get that from here ... ". Nothing. None of that. It's like I'm in a state of 'Virtual' Cata fucking Tonia! I can see it. Hear it. Can't move a muscle to respond to it.

Am I just loosing the fucking plot? Is this some weird response, of my own, to my condition? Has anyone else ~ not banned from Here, yet! " LOL! " ~ experienced this 'syndrome'?

For the record; I'm as 110% Certified a sufferer of Chronic PTSD as it gets. Rafts of Consultant Psychiatrists, over the span of Years have All agreed. I'm a fucking head wreck. Complete scrap heap material. Beyond hope.

That you? I'd Love to compare notes! Forgive me; Not interested in the " My Daddy smacked my legs forty years ago. Now, I'm self diagnosed as Schizoid Bi Polar with PTSD and a cardboard box fetish thrown in, for shits and giggles. " crew.

I'm putting this shout out to the genuine, hard core, no two ways about it veterans of this Vile and life destroying fucking condition. Because, I've had it about twenty years now. Nothing's getting the least bit better. And I'm Seriously feeling on the fucking edge!

Anyone ....?


Please?!?
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Hi there.Sorry you struggle so much,I understand what you're saying.

I have times like you describe when I've been triggered by something.It does usually pass eventually though.Have you been triggered recently?

Are you currently in therapy? If not maybe it's a good idea to go back.

I have PTSD too,btw,for longer than you have.Some days are good and some are bad.This is definitely a rough disorder to have and deal with.

Care to share what yours was caused from?
 
Chris Walken

Chris Walken

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SD ~ may I call ye that? It's what I do.

I've gone back to Netflix. Trying to focus on some film. I can almost feel the ever growing vibration of my shit coming apart!

Triggered? (God, I hate that term! It seems to have been so hijacked by ..... well, I won't go into that)

No. A certain make, type and colour of van could destroy me. A pen, placed at the 'wrong' angle could render me a wreck. But, none of that has anything to do with my 'new' form of behaviour, on line.

I don't set out to upset anyone. I Try Not to upset any one. I just seem to have lost control of my 'self control'!

Maybe I've just lost touch with the fucking world?!

I swear a lot. That's just how we talked, where I grew up. Can't help that. But, nothing's meant by it. I may say; " This condition's a right fucking bastard to live with! " That's swearing To you.

I'd never Dream of saying " You're a fucking bastard. " That's a direct and personal attack. In real life, I'd expect a smack in the mouth.

In between? Dunno. Maybe the propensity to swear, naturally, goaded by my 0 to 60? Perhaps I just spew so much verbage that I forget I just dropped an F bomb in there. In more 'select' company.

Then, some supercilious dickweed, who takes me for a drunken, foul mouthed idiot comes in, wagging the big finger. I say ~ because, by now, I'm completely fucking raging. Totally unable to help myself, for the moment; " Wag that fucking finger at me, and I'll Break the fucking thing!!! " Boosh! Banned.

Again. By some din who thinks they have the power of god, regardless of their grasp of a situation!

We're not the most perfect examples of the human condition, in here, SD. But, that's a given. At least it appears to be recognised, and accepted in here. Thank god!

What's your experience in the wider 'Cyber' world though? Are ye managing? If so, how? Ye know; Talk to me. What's Your views on the whole shit? What do ye perceive from my posts?

I'm, very seriously, trying to gain deeper, maybe useful insight here.


What was mine caused by? Englands lack of the 2nd Amendment.
 
SunnyDaze

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I'm not really active on many forums anymore,just pretty much stick to this one.I'm really trying to learn how to fit in and get along with others and control my reactions.Sometimes it's hard though and I have had a few arguments since being a member here.Sometimes things I read instantly set me off and push my buttons and I say things I probably shouldn't.I'm *trying* to log out and come back at another time when I've been set off and I know I am just going to have to keep working at it.

I've been temp. banned from another forum before,just long enough to calm down.And I was permanently banned from one because I completely lost my temper and just couldn't stop raging on the admin.I deserved the ban though,I admit that.

I swear a lot too.I have been working on not doing that so much because it does sound harsh to many people regardless if it's directed at them or not.I use swear words more as sentence fillers in my every day language,it's just so normal to me to do so but it's really not socially accepted outside of my circle.We can help it though,I know you said "I swear a lot. That's just how we talked, where I grew up. Can't help that" but we can change it if we choose to.

I try to get along with people online,I don't purposely set out to upset anyone and sometimes I get depressed because it seems like I always manage to somehow.It's hard for me to be super comforting,coddling and supportive.I am the type that would rather hear the truth,would rather have people just be blunt with me and honest even if it pisses me off or hurts me.So I tend to be that way with others too and it usually doesn't go over well.

I don't really know what else to say.I just do the best I can at managing what I say and don't say ans when I screw up I just keep trying.I don't use my PTSD as an excuse for my behavior because even though it's a disorder it's my responsibility to manage myself,my emotions and my reactions.

TBH,some of your posts sound kinda harsh.Some ppl might be intimidated by them.Some of the things you say come off as rude.Like when you said
That you? I'd Love to compare notes! Forgive me; Not interested in the " My Daddy smacked my legs forty years ago. Now, I'm self diagnosed as Schizoid Bi Polar with PTSD and a cardboard box fetish thrown in, for shits and giggles. " crew
. I get where you're coming from by saying that,I too get annoyed when ppl try to claim PTSD or think they understand it when really they have no clue,but adding that here in this thread?It scares ppl away.I was even a little afraid to respond but I did anyway because I know what it's like to reach out and have nobody respond to you.

IDK,maybe if you could just tone things down a bit it might be beneficial for you.Please don't be upset,you did ask how I perceive your posts.
 
H

harsh-reality

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I not frightened by your posts. I have schizo affective and anxiety disorder but although not diagnosed myself I definitely have PTSD over situations that have happened in my life - particularly in the last 15 years but I have now got to a position of calm etc.

I was banned from one forum -went totally loopy - but the decision was correct.

Question I ask - are you able to socialise at all - ie do you know anyone on a day to day basis - its so much more important for recovery than being on internet 24 / 7.

Obviously in times of crisis or even times of fear - it can help some of the time but to get to a stage of improved recovery best to try get into a group of some sort

Maybe mods felt this was what you needed...

Difficult to not take it personally when down but can you see where am getting at with this...
 
midnightphoenix

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I been banned from forums before for literally no reason.

No time to go into detail right now though.
 
midnightphoenix

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I been banned from forums before for literally no reason.

No time to go into detail right now though.
now that i'm home from work i can go into a little bit more detail.

One forum I got temp banned for the "crime" of not being able to spell the username of one of the moderators (a really long and complicated name that nobody with dyslexia can spell), same forum I then got broke by being thrown in moderation beyond what I could be expected to endure - basically cause i had one episode of mental illness, this triggered me into a second full blown episode of mental illness and i exploded on a review site about the situation, before the mods there then thought "holy crap we look bad we better let her out in super quick time" (before that explosion I followed every instruction and did everything they wanted but still got refused for getting let out)

Different forum I got permenent banned for being mentally ill

One chat room I got banned for not being able to touch type (basically I missed something a mod said cause i was typing at the time so was looking at the keyboard), mod didn't give a shit that i can't touch type, got arsey and banned me (that chat room does not exist any more, proably cause their rules were so strict everyone thought fuck it)

Another forum I ended up leaving before I got banned cause the mods and admins there was all powertrippers, the whole lot, I ended up telling the main admin there to shove her forum back up her arse and offered to help her shove it back up there where she pulled it out from

there are probably others but i dont remember the details now.
 
midnightphoenix

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personally, i'm sure forums have the potential to add to someone's existing ptsd (I am not referring to this forum, just to be clear)
 
Chris Walken

Chris Walken

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Thanks, people :) I've also been contacted, in PM, by another member. They penned me a beautifully long and eloquent post. Attempting to answer which probably set me off ~ absolutely No fault of theirs! I just wind myself up! And, now? God knows if I'll ever hear from them again! :cry: Same Old Fucking Story!!!

Sunny; I swear fluently and naturally. Nothing to do with the much trotted out bullshit about '' I lack vocabulary, or ability to express myself. " Nose in the air pricks who pull That one on me are looking for a slap. Then they'd probably say they got that because I'm a stupid Neanderthal with no more developed mechanism! :mad:

I actually still have a rudimentary grasp of a second language to english. I've certainly forgotten vastly more words of it than I could ever hope to regain. But, I could still write enough of it for you to wonder what the hell I was saying.

It'd be pretty hard work for me though. I'd have to stop and think. It would be awkward.

And, that's just how talking / typing without the swearing is, for me. Stumbling and stilted. Having to think so hard about How I was saying what I was Trying to say. See what I'm trying to say?

Anyway, we're allowed to swear here. And I've been slung off of fora where calling someone a prick and demanding they meet ye somewhere to 'sort it out' was considered quite the norm.

Again; I can quite get what ye getting at, about how I may be perceived perhaps being 'a little brusque', :)whistle:) here and there? Again, I assure you ~ for all the good it might do me! ~ that's absolutely unintentional, on my part. And a complete ~ if innocent and perfectly understandable ~ misinterpretation on the side of the viewer.

What was once possibly lost in translation is now, so easily, lost in bland type face, with only the odd smiley thrown in to reinforce the intended inference.

In a word? I'll stand up for myself and may even return a pretty tenacious argument, for a point I feel strongly about. But, I'd never resort to throwing insults ~ no more than I would punches, in real life.

Okay. I'm taking a break now. I have alerts coming in. And I have to take my plate out. Most of all? I don't want to lose the run of myself and spiral off into an essay of disparate thought and waffling! :innocent:

Back later. Enjoying the chat :)
 
Chris Walken

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Part Two
Well, I'm back :) Looks like I've about covered you own post anyway, Sunny. Only to finish up by practically repeating the second language analogy; 'Tone myself down.'? So, again, go back to re reading every word I type? Analysing it from every angle and perspective? Wondering Who could possibly find offense in this? How? Why?

Why stop there? I could just book myself in for a full frontal lobotomy. Have that essence of myself that makes me Me removed altogether. Change my handle to " Randle McMurphy " and hope and pray someone will do the kindest thing by me. Because, I wouldn't like to be like that either.

Anyway, Thank You Very Much for your input, and just the pleasure of the chat.

Harsh; I'm practically a real, live fucking hermit, mate. Seriously. Live in the middle of no where. Surrounded by fields. I mean, a ten minute walk from the road. And that's fucking miles from anywhere else itself.

No one comes near me. I go into town, once a week. For two hours. I get a beer, in an empty pub. Then, dash in and out of there as I go to the few shops I get my supplies from. Don't hang around and am lucky to speak two sentences to the bar maid. A week.

So, no. I think we can safely say that I have absolutely Zero social life. There's not a living soul on this planet whose home I've been invited into, in Years. No one visits me.

Beauty is? There's " Kay ". We'll call her that. Kay is my last, tenuous life line. She's a woman in New Zealand. We hook up and voice chat, for an hour or so, more nights than not. (She's sharing the care for her terminally ill mother and can't always get to the mike) I met her in a chat room ~ which I'm now banned from! (Well; Who'd have thought it?!? :eek:)

But, here's the fucking kicker: Kay, herself, suffers properly diagnosed PTSD!!! Something I didn't actually learn until we'd become quite seriously 'close' friends. I honestly don't remember when we must have exchanged our dirty little secrets. Because, as I've said; It's not a thing I wave around in 'normal' places.

So, yeah. There's Kay. My Only 'social life'. At least she can hear my tone. She knows when I'm being serious. Silly. Or am screaming down the fucking mike at her!

Ironically; Kay and I have probably been communicating for a longer time than I've even lasted on some damn fora. Is it because we share the same problem? I honestly don't think so. I'm sure that Helps. But, I'm pretty certain it's simply that she can Listen to me. And 'read' my Tone.

I'm not a bad bloke, FFS!!! I'd Never do anything to deliberately upset Anyone ~ not just for shits and giggles. Deliberately provoke Me? yes. I quite very likely Will unleash a storm of shit, of truly fucking biblical proportions on you! But, I'd Still feel confident to have the incident examined by a jury! They'd see, and agree, it was self defense.

Dunno. Maybe it's just purely and simply my personal 'world view'? I think cucumber is absolutely disgusting! Feed me a sandwich which you cut on a board on which you'd just cut a cucumber in half? I will spit that shit out and throw the rest on the floor!

You want a Group Hug, where we all show our love by passing slices of cucumber from lip to lip? Get To Fuck!!! Count me Right out! No Way am I doing that filthy shit! And, I'm 'sorry'. But, I'll fucking well say so too!

Know what? I actually have a Growing suspicion that This may have more to do with it. Maybe ye've touched on something there, Harsh, my man? Maybe I've just been so fucking withdrawn and socially isolated, for so damn long now? Might it be I'm simply losing the social skills? Unused shit gets rusty. Even seizes up altogether.

Maybe, face to face, most people can handle me; Because they hear my tone and instinctively know there's no harm in me. If I voice an opinion ~ even strongly ~ at extreme variance to theirs?

They can still look into my face and know that I don't mean to argue and mean no offense. That, in my little world, cucumber is disgusting. But, I'm not judging them, if they think it's food of the gods.

Damn, that's food for thought! (Not cucumber! That's on a par with Dog shit! LMAO!)

Thank You, Harsh! Extremely thought provoking train ye set in motion there!

Once again, I feel we've reached a natural break. I'll fuck off and float around the few places I'm still a ghost in. I'll sure as hell be sleeping on this one, tonight, though.


Evil Little Dog.jpg



 
Chris Walken

Chris Walken

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^^^
That's " Evil Little Dog ", by the way. Thought I'd just sling her in there to lighten the mood ;)
 
SunnyDaze

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Maybe you shouldn't keep yourself so isolated?Maybe get out and about and around people some?

It sounds like a lonely life
 
SunnyDaze

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.

Well, I'm back :) Looks like I've about covered you own post anyway, Sunny. Only to finish up by practically repeating the second language analogy; 'Tone myself down.'? So, again, go back to re reading every word I type? Analysing it from every angle and perspective? Wondering Who could possibly find offense in this? How? Why?
I'm not saying to analyze every word you type or to change who you are or anything.It's just that you can't really be upset or complain about getting banned from forums if you're not willing to put in a little effort in how you interact with others,right?

Forums don't let us get away with bad behavior just because we have PTSD.We are responsible for managing our emotions and reactions.

That's all I meant
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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^^^
That's " Evil Little Dog ", by the way. Thought I'd just sling her in there to lighten the mood ;)
Lol,very ferocious looking dog.What kind is it? it kinda looks like a mix of jack russel and Chihuahua
 
Chris Walken

Chris Walken

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Yeah; She's actually what passes ~ in Eire ~ for a " Jack Russel ". They like them that way, here. Practically pint sized and with stumpy legs. Has got rather buggy eyes too, hasn't she? I, literally, just looked down at her, sitting here staring at me, and noticed that.

Bit of a mess of a Dog, really. But, so what? She won't take shit from anything, and is hilarious ~ in real life ~ in so many ways :)


Regards ye apparent notion that I think PT should be my get out of jail free card? Not at all. I believe I'd already disavowed that notion? (Forgive me; Talking, on here, and to the person in PM? It's a job to remember exactly what and where)

No. Having been banned from practically everything from 'Pipe and Slippers Affectionados' fora, to 'They're Gonna Fukkin Get It! ~ Football Hooligans Fight Planning' fora? I just raised the question of 'WTF Is Wrong With Me?!' here, because this is a place I can safely expose and discuss a major aspect of myself.

Frankly? I'm really interested in the, above, simple loss of 'social skills', due to lack of usage, notion. I have a handle on that, now, that I might like to examine, later. And, I'd like to record; I'm beating this thing as much for others, as for myself. The next person with this question on their mind stands to find a pretty comprehensive discussion of the phenomena here.


Finally ~ before I go horizontal in the Dog Pile for a bit? Don't I fucking go on?!? :rolleyes: Relevant point though! Hermit. Can't shut the fuck up? I had an old friend who ~ forgive me, I don't know how to 'translate' these very english terms so you'd better understand them. But, he worked for the Forestry Commission and was one of their top Vermin Trappers.

He used to run day courses, instructing Gamekeepers on various matters. He once said to me; 'The worst thing about trying to instruct a bunch of Gamekeepers is that they just won't Shut Up!!! Working completely alone, deep in the woods, for three hundred and fifty odd days of the year? Put them together and they just absolutely gush with a torrent of stored up chatter!'

Me, see?! Don't get to chat to any bastard! Head absolutely chock full of thoughts I can't express to anyone but the Dogs and horses. Give me a platform and I'll give even Tolstoy a run for his money! :D


(Remember, kids; No one's Making ye read this shit!)
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

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I agree with you about cucumber, Chris, what is the actual point of cucumbers? they are basically crunchy water, you might as well chew on an ice cube and that would taste better????????

cute dog though :) my cat has turned her back now cause she don't like dogs :LOL:
 
R

Ramson mash

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They are good to munch on and are quite popular maybe for other reasons.
I have four spaces for cucumber in my shop so they're a big seller. When i notice a nice looking lady grasp a big one, i can just imagine whats gunna happen.:D
 
SunnyDaze

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Yeah; She's actually what passes ~ in Eire ~ for a " Jack Russel ". They like them that way, here. Practically pint sized and with stumpy legs. Has got rather buggy eyes too, hasn't she? I, literally, just looked down at her, sitting here staring at me, and noticed that.

Bit of a mess of a Dog, really. But, so what? She won't take shit from anything, and is hilarious ~ in real life ~ in so many ways :)


Regards ye apparent notion that I think PT should be my get out of jail free card? Not at all. I believe I'd already disavowed that notion? (Forgive me; Talking, on here, and to the person in PM? It's a job to remember exactly what and where)

No. Having been banned from practically everything from 'Pipe and Slippers Affectionados' fora, to 'They're Gonna Fukkin Get It! ~ Football Hooligans Fight Planning' fora? I just raised the question of 'WTF Is Wrong With Me?!' here, because this is a place I can safely expose and discuss a major aspect of myself.

Frankly? I'm really interested in the, above, simple loss of 'social skills', due to lack of usage, notion. I have a handle on that, now, that I might like to examine, later. And, I'd like to record; I'm beating this thing as much for others, as for myself. The next person with this question on their mind stands to find a pretty comprehensive discussion of the phenomena here.


Finally ~ before I go horizontal in the Dog Pile for a bit? Don't I fucking go on?!?:rolleyes: Relevant point though! Hermit. Can't shut the fuck up? I had an old friend who ~ forgive me, I don't know how to 'translate' these very english terms so you'd better understand them. But, he worked for the Forestry Commission and was one of their top Vermin Trappers.

He used to run day courses, instructing Gamekeepers on various matters. He once said to me; 'The worst thing about trying to instruct a bunch of Gamekeepers is that they just won't Shut Up!!! Working completely alone, deep in the woods, for three hundred and fifty odd days of the year? Put them together and they just absolutely gush with a torrent of stored up chatter!'

Me, see?! Don't get to chat to any bastard! Head absolutely chock full of thoughts I can't express to anyone but the Dogs and horses. Give me a platform and I'll give even Tolstoy a run for his money! :D




(Remember, kids; No one's Making ye read this shit!)

I had a Jack Russel for 11 years until she got sick and I had to put her down.I loved her so much and still miss her even though it's been like 12 years she's been gone.They're very hyper dogs and very territorial.Yours is very cute,btw.

It wasn't me that you conversed with via PM.But I'm sorry if I offended you by anything I said,especially about using PTSD as an excuse for anything.My point is/was that it doesn't really matter if we do have and struggle with PTSD,forums aren't going to be lenient with us because of it.Mostly meaning myself though.

It could be that you have lost some of your ability to socialize due to being so isolated and your 'use it or lose it' theory.IDK.For me I know it's because I am so easily triggered by things that I read and I need to manage myself better.I get an instant surge through my body like my blood is boiling,my heart starts pounding and then I react without thinking.I do that IRL too,not just on forums.And then I feel like such shit about myself afterwards for it.

I was in a grocery store once,I had got 2 donuts,took them to the cashier and I thought for sure she said "who did you have in your bed last night" and I instantly reacted,giving her shit for it.Turned out she had asked what was in the bag I had,how many,what type of donuts.I was humilated by it.I hate how easily I react to people and situations.I have learned so many things through trauma therapy,have so many tools and skills I can use to help myself yet it's so hard to stop and think before I react.But at least I am not violent with people like I used to be.I used to be a hair trigger and ready to fight,physically fight,on the drop of a dime.But that was before I knew I had PTSD and before therapy for it.But I still do have inappropriate reactions often.Sometimes I feel I am better off isolating and staying away from the world,but that only makes me feel worse really.

Sorry you don't get to chat to anyone.I'm glad you are here though,I'm actually enjoying it.It's kinda nice to know someone else suffers with chronic PTSD.Actually,even after all the years of therapy I had my therapist said I still have 'constant' PTSD.I am just trying to live a somewhat meaningful life despite it.It's hard and gets depressing though.
 
Chris Walken

Chris Walken

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Yeah, the 'Therapies' they tried on me got no where. Even though they were practically lining up to have a go.

How about this?! One shrink took a look at me. Said, " Ah, yes. We'll have ye right as rain in no time! ". I dunno what it was. Something about him. His face? His voice? Hit utter and simple confidence that I wasn't a problem? Dunno.

Three days later, on a quiet night out with friends; Fucker dropped stone dead!!! :eek: I got told that when I turned up for my following appointment with him! Ye couldn't possibly make this shit up!

Anyway, yeah. I allowed their system to do with me what ever they wanted. Attended my appointments. Took my drugs. Accepted being sectioned without complaint.

Nothing was happening. As I always tried to explain it, to laymen? I'd say; " It's like my Adrenalin valve has cracked open. Now, my system's being constantly flooded with it. " It's bloody horrible!

Anyway ..... I promised myself a night off, tonight. Kay's at her mums, so she won't be calling. I'm planning to get my boots off and binge watch a load of netflix. One entire thesis of introspection is quite enough for one weekend! :unsure:
 

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