Getting bad again...Can't stop ovethinking new friendships?

elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Kent
#1
Hey everyone, things are getting pretty bad for me again :( In reality, things are pretty good. I have these amazing new friends who I enjoy spending time with, I'm going on holiday with them soon and I have a really great job that pays me well. However, my anxiety really has taken a turn for the worse to the point where I'm losing a significant amount of sleep. Basically, since my incredibly harrowing experience of my first ever breakup a few months back with the man who I thought was the love of my life, I've been suffering from severe trust issues and have been overthinking absolutely everything. I mentioned this in another thread, but I feel really anxious when it comes to texting/social media. If I don't get a response for a while, I will assume that the person is ignoring me/trying to distance themselves from me. This is because my ex used to ignore me deliberately, cut off my phone calls for no reason etc, so I keep assuming that about everyone else! There's one guy in particular in my group who has taken a bit of an interest in me; we've kissed a few times on a night out and have slept together twice. We have talked about where we stand and we've agreed that due to his work and my recent break up that neither one of us are ready to fully commit to anything right now, which I'm okay with. We still message near enough every day, but for the last week or so he's been messaging a bit less. Now when he does message, he still sends long paragraphs, asks me about my day etc, so nothing is really out of the ordinary. One thing to consider is that he does have an extremely important career that takes up an awful lot of his time, which makes sense why he can't message all the time like I can.

We also have a group chat on Whatsapp, which is used pretty much daily too. However, I constantly reread every single message to try and interpret any "hidden meaning" or underlying issue. I always worry that I've offended someone, or that I've come on too strong with this new guy, or that everyone hates me. This is all due to the texting thing. In my job, I can have my phone by my side 24/7 (my bosses are pretty relaxed as long as we get our work done) but I know that not everyone else has this luxury. I spoke to my closest friend in the group and her sister (who are basically like my cousins, I've known them since birth) and they completely understand the feeling and have reassured me a few times, which works for the minute, but then I start overthinking again. I've been burned so many times in the past and I'm terrified that it will happen again. And even though I'm definitely not "in love" with this new guy, I'm kind of scared that I will fall for him? I've been losing a lot of sleep lately and have developed a few annoying habits i.e.injuring myself, frantically shaking my legs etc. These things occur at my most anxious. For about a month and a half now, I've been taking Sertraline tablets, which work as an anti anxiety and depression medication. I was originally on 50mg (the lowest dose) but now my doctor has bumped me up to 100mg. I know this whole thing is a bit long but if anyone has any advice for overthinking, the medication or these habits that have started I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much for reading xxx
 
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Mdeey

Mdeey

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#2
Hey there @elliepaige20 ,

sounds like you're already past the first step; finding the source. You're simply a little too suspicious, which you have a good reason for. Same thing happened to me actually, years before my anxiety. I lost friends because of that..
It involves a lot of stress, add that to the suspicion and you become paranoid.

The reality is that it's not really misplaced anxiety but more of a bad habit, which you have to and can overcome. It took me a while. Whenever I met with someone it was all fine; "I would trust them from now on". One or two days later, you guessed it. It was a combination of letting go of the feeling aswell as 'filtering'. What I mean by that is ask yourself: are they really busy working, do they have less time than me? Trust them, time will tell if they can't be.
'Being too busy in general' or 'keep forgetting' are always excuses, let them go.

About those stress symptoms. Please try to quit the anti-depressants, they are no good for you if you don't really need them. You should try valerian, used to reduce stress and sleep disorders. Or maybe Bach remedy.

Good luck!
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Kent
#3
Hi there,

Thank you for responding, and I'm sorry that you've experienced something similar. 9 times out of 10 it does genuinely seem to be because they're working and/or occupied with something, I don't think it's ever intentional. I'm meant to be going on holiday with them at the beginning of May this year which everyone is really excited for, so I just don't know why I keep worrying so much? It seems as though every time I get a bit of reassurance, it satisfies my brain for a little while but then I quickly go back to worrying again soon after. It drives me absolutely nuts when I can see that a message has been opened/read and I don't get an immediate response. But again, they near enough always respond eventually.

I've also been seeing a counsellor for a couple of months now to try and get to the bottom of this whole thing. It's just now I know the cause of the worry, but I still can't seem to shake it? But I'll definitely take all your advice on board and hopefully these negative feelings will pass sooner or later. Thank you xx
 
G

gam9147

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#4
It's a process, as I'm sure yo know, it can take time and for many of us with many types of anxieties it doesn't mean you will truly ever 'shake it' just learn to recognize it and deal with it better and healthier.

Anyone would be anxious in your situation with a new relationship. So many people overthink and overread text, consider simply making a phone call and telling your new friend you prefer that way of communicating at times where you are feeling bad. I completely understand where you are coming from. I've had my fair share (currently headed towards divorce) of girls (in my case) dumping me. I'm not sure how I can ever trust again either right now in terms of a relationship. I'm not sure I have too much positive to say on that note just because of where I'm at, but I'm sure it will get better for both of us over time.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#5
Hi again,

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this too, hopefully things will get better over time. I think the overall paranoia has really grown over the last few months in pretty much every scenario. Even this morning, I'm at work and I texted my mum just ranting about an employee that got on my nerves a bit, and then all of a sudden this employee started acting a little off. The first thought on my mind was "what if she can read my texts on her computer screen?" which I know is ridiculous! This whole trust thing has got pretty bad but I'm definitely trying to work on it. Things have been better in terms of friendships though, and I'm slowly learning to just go with the flow. I think I'm just so used to organisation and structure, whereas these friends are a little more spontaneous and chaotic. But I guess we could all do with a little chaos sometimes :)

I genuinely hope things do get better for you very soon, I'm sure they will in time xx
 
G

gam9147

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#6
Have you thought about counseling or trying some cognitive behavioral therapy in some fashion? I'm becoming more of an expert on dialetic therapy which seems to do a good job addressing some of these issues of trying to remove judgement from a situation. Of course it takes time and work as with any therapy but I feel its well worth it. Changing the way you think about these situations can over time cause you much less anxiety and discomfort.
 
A

Ambivalence

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#7
I can relate with that somehow. I used to go to a good mental health support group for several months, but someone began throwing around nasty false humors about me, and I was secretly kicked out. I managed to get some contact with a good friend there to pass my goodbyes, but it still broke a lot of my trust. The website traumahealed helps me a lot on that matter.

Usually, I just try to take it slowly. Take regular breaks, show some self care and then make a push to interact more. It’s easy to forget the simple advice, but when I’m stuck, I just go back to master the basics. It’s still painful to remember, but when thinking farther in the past, it would have been better to be loved and hurt than never loved at all.

I learned to love myself more, and that’s what matters the most.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#8
Have you thought about counseling or trying some cognitive behavioral therapy in some fashion? I'm becoming more of an expert on dialetic therapy which seems to do a good job addressing some of these issues of trying to remove judgement from a situation. Of course it takes time and work as with any therapy but I feel its well worth it. Changing the way you think about these situations can over time cause you much less anxiety and discomfort.
I've been seeing a counsellor since about December time which has helped massively. I mainly started seeing her due to the betrayal of my now ex boyfriend and I've definitely been coming to terms with a lot of stuff in my life. I've also just finished a self-help book on overcoming anxiety which has made me feel more positive about things :) I've heard a little bit about CBT and have definitely been considering it. Thank you very much for your recommendations! x
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Joined
Jan 13, 2019
Messages
62
Location
Kent
#9
I can relate with that somehow. I used to go to a good mental health support group for several months, but someone began throwing around nasty false humors about me, and I was secretly kicked out. I managed to get some contact with a good friend there to pass my goodbyes, but it still broke a lot of my trust. The website traumahealed helps me a lot on that matter.

Usually, I just try to take it slowly. Take regular breaks, show some self care and then make a push to interact more. It’s easy to forget the simple advice, but when I’m stuck, I just go back to master the basics. It’s still painful to remember, but when thinking farther in the past, it would have been better to be loved and hurt than never loved at all.

I learned to love myself more, and that’s what matters the most.
Hi there,

I'm sorry that this happened to you, it can't have been very nice for you. I've definitely been trying to step back and assess the situations where I feel most anxious. I find my anxiety worsens whilst at work as there aren't a lot of distractions here (the people I work with are a lot older than me too, so it's harder to make conversation sometimes). What you've said there is very true! It's definitely better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all :)

Rumours are horrible things, trust me I know. They can completely ruin someone's reputation, however, we may find that these rumours lead us to believe who our true friends are in the end. I've definitely found some great friends recently and am trying to look past my previous friendships that ended badly and am focused on enjoying my life as it is right now :) Thank you so much for your advice! It helps a lot! xx
 
G

gam9147

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#10
I've been seeing a counsellor since about December time which has helped massively. I mainly started seeing her due to the betrayal of my now ex boyfriend and I've definitely been coming to terms with a lot of stuff in my life. I've also just finished a self-help book on overcoming anxiety which has made me feel more positive about things :) I've heard a little bit about CBT and have definitely been considering it. Thank you very much for your recommendations! x
I'm glad to hear it! Taking those steps will definitely mean long term lasting effect over time. Changing your entire perspective and cognitive thinking takes time, be patient with yourself :)
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Kent
#11
I'm glad to hear it! Taking those steps will definitely mean long term lasting effect over time. Changing your entire perspective and cognitive thinking takes time, be patient with yourself :)
Thank you! Things have been a little difficult over the last few days, but I think it's mostly due to a few physical factors i.e. the flu, TOTM etc. Throughout the week, I'm either stuck in my work office or at home, not really socialising with anybody, so at the weekends it's nice to go out with my new friends. However, the downside is, when we don't go out or do anything, I get really disappointed and upset. This is usually due to one friend in particular (my really close friend) saying that she doesn't want to. Because of this, I don't get to see the others at all. I don't think she's deliberately keeping us apart and I completely understand that some weekends she's just not up for it, but I get so much more disappointed than I ought to? I think it's also because of the guy in the group that I kind of like; I get this little pang of disappointment when I don't see him at all. I know I will see them all eventually and we do talk every day pretty much, so I don't know why I let it get to me so much?

Sorry for rambling! I just needed to get that out today. I've been trying to change my mindset and start thinking more positively but I have been finding it rather difficult. Thank you for your kindness and understanding xx
 
G

gam9147

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#12
Sure its great to talk things out on here, I am doing so on my own thread of ongoing craziness too :) keep it up!
 

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