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Getting a few things off my chest

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SomeRandom

Member
Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Texas
I'm a quiet person who can only ever feel comfort in complete solitude. I can get along with another person for a bit but I always feel a need to escape after a short time no matter how well we get along. Friends and family sometimes try to force themselves in stating that It's dangerous for a person to live like this. I understand that this is most likely true in many cases but the closer they get, the more panicky I become and more likely I am to do something drastic (i.e. self harm or go into hiding).

For the last few years I've been helping my brother who has his own problems with addiction and the like. Honestly It's been hell for me because I love my brother too much to throw him out but having someone around me so much drives me out of my mind. More than a few times I've spent nights on the street or in places where no one can find me just to be alone for a while.

I've bailed my brother out of jail 10 times in the last 2 years for various things and I found out today he's back in for possession. I can't bring myself to help him this time and I don't know If this is just my wanting to be left alone or me giving up on him but I honestly feel both free and disgusted with myself. I'm at a terrible low right now and can't really talk to anyone I know about this because I don't think I could handle it. Any advice? Random words? or similar stories?
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Jul 31, 2020
Messages
1,984
Location
Canada
Ten times in two years, that's bad.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be alone either. You seem to have that need, and for sake of sanity, you ought to have your time to yourself when you like.

I live with two brothers. We mostly keep out of each other's way. I guess we're all moody guys and can be easily irritated, so personal space is crucial.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Mar 19, 2019
Messages
10,659
Location
UK
I can relate to what you're saying.

I'd describe myself as a 'gregarious loner'. I love people and I'm highly sociable on my own terms...those terms being 'not for too long'. I feel most relaxed in the small hours when the house is silent and the streets outside are empty.

My husband thought I was having an affair in the early years of our marriage. I was, I guess...but with myself. I had to withdraw and have time alone. It's very hard to explain that to someone without them thinking it's their company that you need to escape from.

I don't think your compassion has run out for your brother...more a case that you've been through the discomfort of having company all the time to help him get well and the prospect of repeating that process feels unbearable.

You shouldn't feel any guilt - you gave him 100% of your time and attention the first time. Ultimately, addicts have to beat their addictions themselves - no amount of love, support and driving them to sobriety will make a lasting change until they find it within themselves to break the habit for good.

My advice would be to be there for him in a far less involved way than before. Empower him to rescue himself.

You're a good person..and no, you're not odd. :hug:

Sending you lots of love xxx
 
S

SomeRandom

Member
Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
10
Location
Texas
Thanks for your responses. Most of the time we stay out of each other's way. I think we talk every few days cause he knows I prefer just to be left alone. Oddly when someone is in the same house as me even them moving around and attending to their own business just starts to get to me.

I've decided not to bail him out because I feel that I'm only pushing him further down that path and supporting it by doing so. I feel a little better after getting it out there. I still probably won't get much sleep tonight but I'll use that time to try to think of how to support without being a crutch that only makes him weaker.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Thanks for your responses. Most of the time we stay out of each other's way. I think we talk every few days cause he knows I prefer just to be left alone. Oddly when someone is in the same house as me even them moving around and attending to their own business just starts to get to me.

I've decided not to bail him out because I feel that I'm only pushing him further down that path and supporting it by doing so. I feel a little better after getting it out there. I still probably won't get much sleep tonight but I'll use that time to try to think of how to support without being a crutch that only makes him weaker.
I think you've made the right decision.

Sometimes (and with the best intentions) our efforts to 'rescue' someone only make them feel more powerless. You can shout encouragement...lift his spirits when he needs it...but ultimately, only he can carry that boulder up the hill on his own shoulders.

I hope you get some sleep xxx
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
1,984
Location
Canada
Ten times in two years, that's bad.

Nothing wrong with wanting to be alone either. You seem to have that need, and for sake of sanity, you ought to have your time to yourself when you like.

I live with two brothers. We mostly keep out of each other's way. I guess we're all moody guys and can be easily irritated, so personal space is crucial.
 
P

Pollypop

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2015
Messages
1,778
Location
England. Derbyshire
I’m glad you’ve decided not to bail him out.
I think you have done it so often that he has just come
to the conclusion that he can carry on doing whatever he wants
and you will rescue him.

I think this possibly empowers him.
It’s time for some tough love.

You need to take care of yourself first, not second.
Despite your own problems you have taken a lot of
responsibility for him.

This demonstrates what a lovely person you are.
 
Hardknocks88

Hardknocks88

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
241
Location
Murrieta, CA
I have a friend that is very aloof and I think for a good reason. He has friends that have issues and I guess he got tired of the drama. I'm the opposite. I hate being alone a lot. It's really draining and drives me crazy. I guess I like a good balance. But I just have no life and that's what depresses me so much. Just hope something happens to me so I don't have to deal with all this pain my life. Every time I wake up in the mourning, that's what I wake up to, the pain of loneliness and the bs the tens yrs have given me.
 
Lone_wanderer

Lone_wanderer

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2012
Messages
4,811
I can relate to what you're saying.

I'd describe myself as a 'gregarious loner'. I love people and I'm highly sociable on my own terms...those terms being 'not for too long'. I feel most relaxed in the small hours when the house is silent and the streets outside are empty.

My husband thought I was having an affair in the early years of our marriage. I was, I guess...but with myself. I had to withdraw and have time alone. It's very hard to explain that to someone without them thinking it's their company that you need to escape from.

I don't think your compassion has run out for your brother...more a case that you've been through the discomfort of having company all the time to help him get well and the prospect of repeating that process feels unbearable.

You shouldn't feel any guilt - you gave him 100% of your time and attention the first time. Ultimately, addicts have to beat their addictions themselves - no amount of love, support and driving them to sobriety will make a lasting change until they find it within themselves to break the habit for good.

My advice would be to be there for him in a far less involved way than before. Empower him to rescue himself.

You're a good person..and no, you're not odd. :hug:

Sending you lots of love xxx
@Lunar Lady, Gregarious loner, I can relate to that and so can my ex J, its why we never lived together.
 
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