Generic “self hate” garbage

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sadnesscentral

New member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
2
#1
Every time I get like this, I think “I’ve never been so sad.” But I have. And I will be again. It never stops. There will be some good days then it will be right back to sobbing at my desk. Regretting every decision I ever made that brought me here. That’s the fun of mental illness. You live with it. You don’t get rid of it. You just let it kick your ass whenever it feels like it and somehow resist the urge to down a couple bottles of anxiety pills. The last anxiety attack I’ll ever have to have. One treats it, 50 might actually cure it.

I manage to tell everyone in my life I want to kill myself, but then I just don’t do it. Nobody has ever put me in a car and taken me to see a therapist. Nobody has ever said or done anything remotely useful when I’m feeling suicidal. It’s just me. Fighting a battle I feel like will never end. And I’m tired. I’m exhausted. So I don’t know why I still share it with people. I should put my money where my mouth is and just do it. I want to give up on the bad days. I even want to give up on okay days here lately. Or maybe it’s always been like this. It helps to say lately. Admitting it’s been like this since I started puberty feels like acknowledging it will never get easier. It hasn’t so far. The opposite honestly.

Memory is a funny thing. When I’m feeling this way, it’s hard to recall good times I’ve had. Hard to feel connection to people in my life I’m close with. Moments that make the pain of fighting it all the time feel worth it are hazy at best. When little things go wrong I feel like giving up. When big things go wrong I feel like giving up.

Life is a struggle. All I do is troubleshoot one problem after the next. Without reward, why keep fighting? Why keep hurting? Just to live another day in mental agony.

I’m doing it in the hopes one day I won’t hate myself. Won’t hate my life. Won’t hate my choices. I don’t want to die hating everything I ever was. Loathing every fiber that made up my being. But a human being can only live with so much pain for so long. With screaming in their head they can’t stop.

“You are stupid. You are useless. You are ugly. You’ll never have money. You’ve always been powerless and that will never change. You disgust anyone who sees what you really are. People don’t believe you and your sister are even related. Look at you! It’s like the masterpiece and the flop. You’ve squandered the best years of your life already. It only goes down hill from here. You make everyone stupid enough to love you miserable. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.”

 
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Lora

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2019
Messages
89
Location
United Kingdom
#3
Sounds like your pretty locked in to a repetitive negative internal dialogue . When the mood hits that low the emotions trigger the most destructive self harming thoughts about who and what we believe we are . But thoughts are not facts . The fact is you are a unique person with special qualities and talents like everyone else - when you get locked in to free yourself you need to tap into your 6 senses this will help you to become more self aware in a positive nurturing way . I have felt like you for many years this is what I practiced to become free . 1) ears - listened to music that evoked happy positive emotions every day 2)eyes- brought as much light into my home environment as possible including choosing art work that made me smile 3)nose- smells promote positive emotions using natural oil burner plug in vaporisers are best. Use citrus oils like lemongrass or orange great mood lifters . 4)mouth- taste fruits are certain colours to tempt us for good reason -melons strawberries all berries have properties to help stabilise our blood sugar levels helping our moods you could try Nutella with a plateau of fruits delicious . 5)touch- comfort blankets are not just for babies certain fabrics give comfort to us at any age perhaps you have a certain preference or a stress ball health shops have them . Touch helps us to reconnect with ourselves 6). Our sixth sense which comes from our gut some call it an instinct. To reconnect to this sense I practice deep breathing like yoga. Breathing in counting to ten then out counting to ten. Our 6 senses are there to allow us to be self aware outside of our control center( mind). Tapping in to these daily has been a natural tool kit that's helped to strengthen my self awareness and started me on a healthier journey of self love instead of self loathing 😊 Hope this helps there is hope