- Apr 26, 2019
I have struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I was a very joyful and optimistic kid, however, ongoing humiliations by my own family completely changed that. I was not the cutest kid and definitely not the favorite of any sort. Every time we had to visit my mom's side of the family, I would dread the car ride there. Not only would my own cousins be unnecessarily cruel to me, my own aunts and uncles treated my sister and I like we were invisible. Kids are kids right, but adults being so rude to children is something I could never fathom. I grew a strong dislike towards that side of the family and never looked forward to being around them. My family was middle to lower class, while they were all pretentious and acted as if they were always better than us. My uncles belittling my father, even if he was doing his best to give us a good life, made me hold a grudge that to this day, has struggled to leave me. School was not any better, same scenario all the way up until high school. I never had many friends. I always did very well in school, but I struggled to keep friendships, the only thing I would focus on was school. My depression hit an all time high when I was just 12 years old. I attempted suicide and did self-harm too many times. I was admitted to a mental facility for a while. Word got around school and well you know how that goes... Nonetheless I somehow managed to graduate with constant bullying and harassment along the way, which the school never addressed and somehow saw me as the problem instead. High school was better, but only because I kept myself lowkey and never brought attention upon myself. I continued to do good in high school up until 2 years of college, with barely 2 friends by my side, of which I am so thankful for, but rarely talk to nowadays. I am now married, pregnant and only work 2 days out the week. Horrible past experiences at different jobs have tainted me in more ways than I can explain. I feel helpless. I feel terrible knowing my wonderful and perfect husband is doing everything he can to keep us going. I am truly so thankful for him to the point where I do not feel worthy. I am so happy to have my baby, but I cannot try and ignore this constant anxiety and depression taking over my life. Stopping me from seeing myself as a useful human being.