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Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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Jan 18, 2013
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I've given up. Yes, I found a job (first one I applied for, interviewed and got the job the same day). Yes, I have more money now. Yes, we have all four dogs that I love so much.

BUT things are so much worse. Sue says I'm getting better, that's why things seem worse. I don't believe her but whatever.

There are many things I haven talked about in therapy or even on here. Nobody knows about them.

I've only mentioned the fact that sex is gross (to me, IMO) on here. But not why. People assume it's because of my abuse. And maybe it is. I don't know. I'm physically ill over reading about sex. I KNOW that's not healthy.

I have an internal exam yesterday. I flashbacked and kicked the doctor :( I felt so bad. I more than likely have diabetes. I have to have all sorts of tests ran and an ultrasound. I'm scared to death. I

If I'm a bitch over the next few weeks, I'm sorry. It's NOT an excuse but I have to go off my birth control pills for the testing. I was ordered not to have sex. Which is NOT a problem whatsoever.

I'm sorry this is so long. If I don't get a response I guess that means I need to leave.
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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Hi Lincoln

I see a counsellor and she keeps saying to me that I am getting somewhere even though it doesnt feel like that to me. I dont feel any better. Sometimes I feel worse. Idk think sometimes you just have to hope that they are correct, that they know what they are talking about and that you are getting somewhere.

Sorry about what happened yesterday with dr. Is not your fault.

I would be scared too if I had to have tests. All you can do is try not to think about it. Getting worried about them wont help you. Just make you feel worse

Is coincidence I just saw your post from this morning then you just posted this now.

Please dont leave:hug5:
 
Q

Quickduck

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Please don't give up Linc. You have some good things in your life, but you also have more to cope with now you're working; and with the worries about your health things will still be difficult for you. Hang in there. :hug:
If there are things you've kept to yourself perhaps we can't completely understand what you're going through, but we are here for you all the same. You don't need to leave. :hug:
 
maybe.shes.a.wildflower

maybe.shes.a.wildflower

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The tests are for the best! Why fret over what might not be! Diabetes is VERY manageable!! You have four fur babies that need you to be well for them! Good luck!
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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Thanks everyone.

I'm also going to the chiropractor on Wednesday. I've been getting headaches daily and I thought they were because of my neck issues. I'm kind of nervous about that.

I just want to be normal and not have to worry about my health and whether or not I can eventually have babies. I will be crushed if I can't get pregnant again eventually. It seems my PCOS is progressive and getting worse as I age.

Quickduck I do understand that but there are things that I've never told a single soul and other things I just told Sue.
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Oh Lincoln, I don't know what to say except i'm sorry to hear of what you've been through.:hug:
I hope that the issue with your headaches gets sorted out - it must be getting on your nerves having them every day.
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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It makes work very difficult. Like today I slept all day with no lights or sounds on. The dogs slept with me. My family was out of town for the day. I'm so tired. I really wish I knew what my blood sugar is but I can't afford the strips at this point. I have a monitor that I should have been keeping track of my sugars. I should have been eating better and no fast food and soda. If I have diabetes it's mostly my fault. I've gotten so big (yay PCOS and medication) I've gained a significant amount of weight since 2012. And even more since being out of hospital. I can't do a lot of exercise as I have like no energy.

I have almost all of the symptoms of diabetes. Only one I don't have is weight loss. I'm hoping it's still just prediabetes and I will take care of myself better. I will feel defeated if it is diabetes. I will be so upset.

Maybe my headaches are a sign of diabetes. No amount of medicine helps my headaches. No amount of caffeine does either.

I'm hopIng that I don't have to go to the chiropractor more than a couple times.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling.
 
rubyrose

rubyrose

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Hey Lincoln. Sorry you're dealing with this. The fear you're experiencing is understandable. If it turns out you do have diabetes, it won't be the end of the world, though. I know people (like my father, for instance) who are living with it and managing it just fine. I hope the headaches stop soon. That has to be frustrating.

And let me tell you something, sweetheart. If you truly had given up, you wouldn't be reaching out and seeking support on this forum. You wouldn't bother speaking to Sue or any other professional about your struggles. You wouldn't be holding down a job. You wouldn't be this concerned about your health. You're not a person who throws in the towel and accepts defeat. After all you've been through, you're still standing and swinging. Why? You are a fighter. As weak as you may feel at times, you are one strong lady. Warm hugs and best wishes to you :hug:
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Sorry you are having so many physical health issues to deal with Lincoln on top of everything else. You must feel so drained with it, you are doing so well to be back working, you can be really proud of yourself for that. It seems so wrong that not being able to pay for treatments means you can't get them, or have to wait until you have the money. Please don't feel bad about kicking the doctor, I'm sure they will understand there is a good reason you reacted like that, and not take it personally, they should have an understanding that internal exams are traumatic for some people. Try not to be hard on yourself about the weight gain, like you say PCOS and medication mean the odds are stacked against you, so it is not the case that it is all your fault. I so agree with Sienna that you are a strong person, a fighter, and it is strong and brave to reach out for help too.

(((Lincoln))) :grouphug:
 
Lincoln1990

Lincoln1990

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I'm emotional so both of your replies made me cry. I have to get off my birth control for testing and I feel so emotional. My puppy urinated in my bed last night. I'm not upset with him. I just was in shock. This is the first time he has ever done this. I felt so bad last night because he thought he was in trouble :(
 
RainbowHeartz

RainbowHeartz

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hi lincoln

i hope you stay xxxxxx

:hug5:
 
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