• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Gamekeeper turned poacher - or something

I

inzie

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
56
Location
Scotland
Hi, this is the first time I've posted anything about my mental health - yikes, where to start?

I'm a senior social worker in Scotland - very likely to be "I was a senior social worker in Scotland" soon.

I've had a number of lengthy periods off work over my 15 years of social workering - diagnosed (wrongly as it turns out) with depression. In recent times I really pushed the professionals around me to get that Holy Grail of an official diagnosis.

My background is in psychology and social work so I went hotfoot to try for that self-diagnosis stuff.

When I was 12 my mum died of cancer - If you're willing to share a secret, I was the favourite. This all went a bit belly up as I watched her die at home. After her death my dad pursued his favourite hobby (alcoholism) and things took a bit of a turn for the worse. I became the smelly kid at school and went from being one of the high fliers to er, one of the low diggers (Desperately seeking an opposite there) - I lived with my brother who was a year older and we kind of made the best of it. I went to my sister (16 years my senior) for help - she lived away from home and had a family of her own - She told me Dad had been sexually abusing her since she was 8 and - proceeded to sexually abuse me.

I did my degree in psychology then went into social work so that I could be there for other people - because no-one had been there for me. On reflection this may not have been the most sensible reason to go into social work.

my symptoms include depression, dissociation, suicidal images (very violent and vivid - around 100-150 per day - Give me a break, I've been off work for 8 months - counting my thoughts gave me something to do.) - I have been violent (up until my early 20's) and wrecklessly promiscuous - pretty much gave that up in the late 90's though - I have great difficulty controlling my emotions and tend to zone out frequently. I have been admitted to hospital for 'depression' and I have swallowed every anti-depressant medication known to man and woman since the early 90's. I have self harmed in a way that folk don't notice - I had some feeling it might have some impact on my colleagues at work. I have a bit of a habit of being a little frivolous and inappropriately er inappropriate about my condition.

Anyway - lots of input from a psychiatrist later - I went for the self diagnosis thing - she found it strange that I could describe horrible things going on for me back in my childhood and now with a smile on my face, actually making her laugh in places. She told me I was incongruous and told me to go away and have a think about it (!)

I decided I must have ptsd with dissociative disorder with a little flavour of DID ....

She decided that I have borderline personality disorder. She's right. Bugger.

She and my GP are a bit at loggerheads - he wants to fill me with venlafaxine (225mg) and carbamazapine (He felt I had bipolar disorder) - she wants me to take nothing. She feels mindfulness and psychotherapy are the way ahead for me. Psychotherapy starts around October.

One of my big problems has been an inability to talk about myself....er...

Thanks for taking the time to read this - I stalked around reading a variety of posts before I took the plunge - but this feels like a good community to immerse myself in.

If folk need support/ advice regarding community care social work, particularly in Scotland (Although the act covers England and Wales also) please feel free to fire any questions my way (I've worked with all community care groups - so you can take a wander away from mental health if you feel the urge)

Right, that's it, I've definitely finished now - oh, except that I've started clutching ice-cubes instead of self harming - it works for me.

Cheers

Chris
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Well done Chris on the ice cubes - they're quite effective aren't they? The mindfulness is a good suggestion. (Recent news from the States says it's developing into the latest fad because it can be inappropriate for some). I do mindfulness and find that it really does help and calm me. And I can get pretty uncalm some days, today is heading that way.

You know from your own experiences at work that suicidal images don't exclusively equate with wanting to die but just keep an eye on it. I do suffer from dissociation from time to time and find it really hard to cope with afterwards.

I'm glad you got here, you're really welcome.
 
I

inzie

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
56
Location
Scotland
Thanks...

Thanks for that Dollit - yeah, I'm aware of lots of fads - I think a mixture of stuff is likely to help - I use techniques from cbt to help me to not realise my suicidal thoughts - I personally use visions of my children and the impact my death would have on them. I've been asked to keep an eye on the dissociation - but I can only spot it once it's over (Never say never - watch this space). I feel a bit spaced out after each and every episode. What about you? What do you do with it? I've been told by the psych (and have also read) that the dissociative moments are the times when I'm possibly at greatest risk - I guess that makes sense.

This all feels a bit me me me me me - it doesn't sit very comfortably with me. Cheers

Chris
 
D

Dollit

Guest
It's okay, do the me, me, me, now and later on you can share your experience with the rest of the forum. Having said that we learn as much from how people don't cope as from how they do.

At first the dissociation just used to freak me out. There I am walking along or on a bus going home on a well trod journey and all of a sudden I don't recognize anywhere and I have no idea how to get back home. I used to carry the A to Z just so I knew where my address was physically. These days I recognize the feeling and try not to panic but to ring someone. Recently I went to a supermarket 20 minutes walk away and it took me an hour to get there. I rang a police officer I knew when I got there as I knew he was in his office that day and talked to him. He offered to pick me up and take me home. But dissociation is different for different people. I do get that spaced out feeling and it's hard to check back into reality. But I know it does happen when I get really stressed out and I try to keep a check on that. Doing too much at the moment but I'm having an opportunity to prove myself to someone whose work I really admire and to be able to work to his directive and report directly to him is amazing. Having said that he'll keep an eye on me because he's one of the good guys.

We've got a journals section where some of us blog - I find that helpful. Often I just want to talk about how I feel without feed back or say something really personal and for that I have a good friend here that I use the private messaging for.
 
I

inzie

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
56
Location
Scotland
thanks that's useful - I'll take a look at some of the blogs - I seem to have 2 flavours of dissociation - the "what happened to me over that last hour or so" and the "this world really has nothing to do with me" - my hope here is to connect with a whole bunch of folk who can maybe help me reconnect a bit.

Cheers

Chris
 
D

Dollit

Guest
I do get the "black out" phase, usually when I'm manic and under stress and I have a vague feeling of what's went on and have rung people up before now and asked what I was doing.

If I can help you reconnect then count me in Chris.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
Hi there GTP - thanks for your introduction and welcome - hearing about other people's experiences always helps me to think about my own in a more considered way - thank you(y). The nearest I've ever come to dissasociation was after an ECT session when I completely blanked out and needed an A-Z of the ward I was on to find my way around!

I too have tried the non-damaging alternatives to self harm but found that I need to see the damage (part of the little self hate campaign I have going on) oh well.:(
 
nickh

nickh

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2008
Messages
1,428
Location
Birmingham UK
Hi and :welcome: inzie. As Dollit says don't worry about the me, me, me thing! That's how most of us start and everyone should feel free to use the Forum like that; it is one of its main purposes. Having said which the experience, knowledge and insight you can bring from 'the other side of the fence' :) could be a great boon if you feel able to share them with people later on.

Nick.
 
I

inzie

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 28, 2008
Messages
56
Location
Scotland
Hi nick, thanks for that. I'd be more than happy to talk about my musings from the 'other side' and to give support to folk if I can.
Unfortunately, I think me and social work are going off in different directions now. It really suited me because as long as I was thinking about other people's issues, I didn't have to think about my own.
That said, I think I can do this in an informal way - without the day to day pressure of running a team of social workers.

Cheers

Chris
 
nickh

nickh

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 14, 2008
Messages
1,428
Location
Birmingham UK
Oh yes Chris - when you feel able to and ready! And while we all try to give each other whatever support we can when we can :) , I was also thinking of your knowledge in our more campaigning and Service User Involvement 'bits' if those interest you.


Nick.
 
blackdog

blackdog

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 11, 2008
Messages
1,064
Location
Kent
Hello Chris and :welcome: :tea:
 
Paradoxeverywhere

Paradoxeverywhere

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 26, 2008
Messages
1,103
Location
733t
Welcome. Good choice on the community here. You should definately try the blog section, it can help even if it does not make sense.

Mindfulness, cbt,a to z? Am i the sand in the rice or just behind on terminology?

Welcome again and hope this place helps.
 
Fedup

Fedup

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Dec 18, 2007
Messages
1,937
Hello and :welcome: Chris :)

:tea:
 
Ashami

Ashami

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
1,033
Location
The Wilderness
Hi Inzie and :welcome:

This is a great place to talk and meet new friends. I hope you enjoy it here :hug:
 
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
P Introduce Yourself 6
Top