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full of shit?

R

remembercolinlee

New member
Joined
Feb 16, 2015
Messages
3
When a baby my mother married her child beating abusive husband. When he wasn't physically hurting me with belts or by "play wrestling" me until I cried in front of people, he was threatening me and calling me names. By time I was 10 or 11 he was threatening to leave and take my brother and sister with him so my mother would tell me to not put them and her at risk (even though I was the only one he physically hurt). I spoke to some shrink man in school but he was such an arsehole I walked away before slapping him stupid. By time I was a teen I was a mess and unsuccessfully attempted suicide aged 16. I took an OD but woke up the following day having been sick during the night. I fucked around with drugs for a while and was extremely self destructive with a very bad hair trigger temper.
I left home at 17 and by my early 20s got a bit sorted but found that talking to people simply made them either feel sorry for me or treat me like I was a headcase.
I kind of made peace with my mum and her husband and, aged 27 had a son. He died at birth and my family did nothing to help me. 2 years latter I completed my break down and saw a counsellor. She helped a bit ... enough to help me accept that my partner was not good for me. Just before my 31st birthday my daughter was born. 5 years later my second daughter was born. I has broken all contact with my mothers husband ( they had split up) by then as he displayed behaviour that I was not prepared to let my kids see.
My brother and sister moved away so I had to take care of my mother...she lived with us for 4 or 5 months while we found her a place to live and once she had a flat we saw her twice a week every week while my brother and sister saw her 4 or 5 times a year ... and neither had kids.
4 yrs later aged 40 I had cancer tests. The worry of this led me to having memories of things happening to me as a child and when I spoke to my mother she denied I had been abused. She told my sister I was a liar and then claimed she didnt know. I had another breakdown and saw another counsellor. I broke all contact with her because of this and because of her horrible attitude to my kids. Since then she developed dementia and as I still refuse to have anything to do with her I no longer have contact with my brother or sister.
I have 2 lovely daughters aged 17 and 12 and a lovely partner. I try hard to be a good person but I miss my son, have constant nightmares, want to cry for no reason most weeks. I stopped self harming as a teen but still think about it and do at my lowest think that suicide is an option.
This is has been a bad few months ... I talk to my partner but wonder what the point is.
I do not know whether I am self pitying, a fuck up or unfit to be a partner and dad. I am not writing cos i want sympathy or pity and i aint at risk of hurting myself. I used to think it would stop hurting but I guess it wont go altogether, I just wish it would stop for longer periods.
Sorry this has gone on but I cant say this shit to people so have tried to find somewhere to write it.
 
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SarahD

SarahD

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Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
Hi there. I am very sorry to hear what a hard time you have been through, so many very painful experiences. It is not surprising you are still struggling to come to terms with all the things that have happened. I know that you say you have had counselling in the past, but perhaps some long term counselling or a different kind of therapy would help. When you have had bad experiences going back over so many years, you need to find the right person to help and be prepared to take quite some time to work through everything.

I am glad you have a partner you are happy with and your lovely daughters, so you have something really good in your life. I hope you can find a way to get through all the bad things that have happened and live for a brighter present and future.

With best wishes, Sarah
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Joined
Aug 17, 2012
Messages
13,531
Location
The West Country
You've not gone on - this forum is the place to vent.
I'm sorry your upbringing was to utterly crap and that you've had such painful experiences.
Those kinds of things really stay with you and whilst I think people can learn to limit the amount that stuff affects them, they never wholly go away.

I'm glad you have two daughters and partner that you describe as 'lovely'.
I would say that you are a good person and these thoughts of being a fuck-up or an unfit parent are totally inaccurate.
In fact, you sound like in spite of all the crap you've been through, you've managed to be the person you are today. The fact that the abuse cycle has ended with you and that your own children are free from that kind of thing is really commendable. :hug1:
 
rubyrose

rubyrose

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Joined
Nov 13, 2013
Messages
1,323
Location
Where flowers bloom
I'm very sorry to hear about your painful experiences. You've certainly been through a lot. I'm glad you have a partner and daughters you cherish. I wish you healing, peace, and happiness. :hug:
 
R

remembercolinlee

New member
Joined
Feb 16, 2015
Messages
3
Thanks to everyone else...was quite weird writing it all down but kind of useful in a strange way.
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,623
Hi,
Well done for writing that out, please don't let it put you off posting more. It is generally a good, friendly, supportive safe place to write

KS
xx
 
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