• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Fucked up my life and see no way out

E

etaoin_shrldu

New member
Joined
Feb 3, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Colorado
I don't even know why I am writing this.

Around 6 years ago (I was 22) I started having suicidal thoughts. I was stuck in a retail job I hated with nothing to show for except a small apartment I could barely pay rent for and a collection of books. I liked escaping into stories. They made me forget how shitty life can be. At some point I had enough and decided to just do it. I still had doubts so I told myself that I could postpone the day of the deed. I said "You're going to take your life amyways, might aswell take a chance and try something new". So I decided to do something I always wanted to do before.

I enrolled at the local university. Started studying CompSci. I took a student loan and quit my crappy job at the supermarket. It was nice being around actual people again. It took my mind off all the shit I usually thought about and it gave me a clear goal to work towards. I found tons of friends and forgot all about my depession. I felt like a whole new person. Those 4 years were the best of my entire life. After graduating with a BA in CompSci, I had a choice. Pursue a graduate degree or start working.

In hindsight, I really really should have started working. I stupidly decided to pursue a graduate degree. The first 6 months were great. Business as usual. I was on cloud nine.

Until Covid-19. University went into lockdown. All classes switched to online only. Suddenly I was stuck in my apartment again with nothing but my own thoughts keeping me company. I started attending less and less classes and spend my days huddled in my bed. Weeks went by and less turned to nothing. A few months later I stopped anything course related entirely. I felt stuck.

The only thing that gave me joy during those days? Open Source contributions. Those are basically free software projects anyone can work on. I started helping by implementing new features or fixing bugs. It felt great contributing to something and getting positive feedback from people. My graduate degree feels unatainable though. I don't want to spend another year or possibly two, wasting more valuable time than I already have. I want to apply and start working but who wants someone like me working for them?

I am 28 years old and still have nothing to show for. Friends and relatives are marrying, getting children, buying houses. It feels like everyone has got life figured out but me. Everything seems so hard and I notice that those old thoughts are slowly creeping back in.

I don't know why I can't be like anyone else. I wish I was normal.
 
J

JeanPierre

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2021
Messages
1,696
Location
Southern USA
sounds like you are doing pretty good....so you got sidetracked but enjoying OpenSourse contributions.
Don't be normal be you.
Welcome!
 
C

celticlass

Well-known member
Joined
May 7, 2011
Messages
1,056
Location
Scotland
Oh come on! You are 28 not 98! I thought you were going to say you had done something to end up with a major physical disability or something like that. You have ample time to do the things you want to do. Getting married and producing kids is hardly the marker of a successful life. A successful life is a happy one. So just keep moving towards things that make you happy. And very good luck with it!
 
Ladyfair

Ladyfair

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 12, 2020
Messages
1,638
Location
USA
Hi I admire you for trying to better your life. You have an education that could come in handy. I do understand about people moving forward and you feel your not. Your young and that's on your side. I believe you will accomplish whatever you want in life. Good luck to you.😊
 
soul searching

soul searching

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 5, 2020
Messages
986
Location
Clearwater, Florida
I think that is a pretty central theme around here-wanting to be normal. That would be a great topic for a short essay or a poem. Maybe I'll write one someday.
 
E

EclipticNight

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
400
Location
Orleans vermont.
No one predicted covid and it wont last. You can continue your education and work on side projects. Its good for job experience. Having something to show employers in a practical sense is important.

As for falling out of college, everyone got hit hard by covid. Its the worst plague since the spanish flu a hundred years ago. People underatand. No one besides people like myself are prepared to spend a year in a house with only you and your mind.

Your life is not over, its beginning with an event that, if we make it that far, will be tought to children 1,000 years from now. Just like the black death or scarlet fever was to us. Give yourself some credit, this is not an easy time to make it. Some people get married and have kids sure but some dont. Im 36 and im not married. You got this.
 
T

ThinkingOfAUserName

Active member
Joined
Feb 3, 2021
Messages
28
Location
Mexico
Covid is keeping most everyone at home, kids are depressed and for the first time crying to go to school, it's really weird. Don't give yourself a hard time due to covid confinement, give yourself a break.

I know it feels like you are or should have everything figured out at 28, but here's a secret: we all have the rest of our lives to continue figuring out. Like levels at a videogame, you get married and you have to figure it out. You have kids and you have to figure it out. You get a new job, you have to figure it out. You never stop learning and adapting, and at times it does feel exhausting, but it is also a beautiful thing, everyday a new chance to evolve.

I had to start all over from square one 5 1/2 years ago, I was 39, divorced, mother of 2 without child support, 4 freelance jobs and about to be homeless. Then I got a chance at something I had never ever done before, a chance to work in finance (I studied history, someone took a leap of faith and gave me a chance). Your future is not set on stone. 7 years ago enrolling was not in the plans, who knows what new things you will have to say 7 years from now.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
S Depressed no confidence or hope in life. Depression Forum 6
S Internet and real life bullying is the same - what is wrong with me? Depression Forum 13
DistantOcean My life just got even worse Depression Forum 7
HappiestSeason Why is life easy for some people? Depression Forum 17
L did the first half of your life go by faster or slower than the last half? Depression Forum 12
H A feel like im lossing my life away. Depression Forum 6
C My life story Depression Forum 4
MeAndMyDepression What's the top change you'd like to see in your life? Depression Forum 33
F I daydream so much that it affects every aspect of my life Depression Forum 4
Z Depression is destroying my life Depression Forum 16
K I feel like I'm lost in life Depression Forum 12
Black_Sheep95 Lost my drive in Life Depression Forum 5
C I find life too difficult Depression Forum 11
D I ruined my life Depression Forum 13
A This life thing Depression Forum 3
H Why can't anyone stay in my life? Depression Forum 20
Hardknocks88 just life. Depression Forum 5
T Exhausted by Life. Depression Forum 8
B Life is a sick joke at this point Depression Forum 48
A I feel disconnected with life Depression Forum 7
A Can you just back off a bit, please life!? Depression Forum 9
M Living a double life, being depressed and having to fake not Depression Forum 8
S I feel like my life is some sort if sick joke and I'm fed up of living it Depression Forum 39
B I want to end my life so bas Depression Forum 39
M So tired of life Depression Forum 1
S i truly hate my life more than anything else Depression Forum 12
L No zest for life. Depression Forum 10
G Why does life hate me? Depression Forum 5
L Life Depression Forum 17
L Every day life feels like entrapment Depression Forum 4
M Why is life so hard Depression Forum 9
J Need life help, my story. (sorry) Depression Forum 7
G My life is over Depression Forum 7
G life update: it gets better Depression Forum 2
V I should have grown up. Now I am 30 years old with no direction in life and no clear decisions. Depression Forum 8
L Unmotivated in life, feel like a failure. Depression Forum 13
L Are there any positives to life? Depression Forum 22
G Depressed looking at my life Depression Forum 2
cascityrosesimpson i hate my life Depression Forum 22
B Depressed/ hopeless about life..... anyone wanna message me? Depression Forum 5
N Life getting tough again Depression Forum 6
C Tired of home life Depression Forum 2
Hardknocks88 How much life sucks. Depression Forum 6
T Ex boyfriend ruined my life Depression Forum 3
JustinS1998 Wanting to Give Up on Life Depression Forum 19
H I am sick of life Depression Forum 16
C Kinda not seeing a point in life anymore Depression Forum 17
M Why do people always say that "life is precious"? Depression Forum 9
D my life is going in a downward spiral Depression Forum 3
O Tired of Life Depression Forum 8

Similar threads

Top