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Fucked up my life and see no way out



New member
Feb 3, 2021
I don't even know why I am writing this.

Around 6 years ago (I was 22) I started having suicidal thoughts. I was stuck in a retail job I hated with nothing to show for except a small apartment I could barely pay rent for and a collection of books. I liked escaping into stories. They made me forget how shitty life can be. At some point I had enough and decided to just do it. I still had doubts so I told myself that I could postpone the day of the deed. I said "You're going to take your life amyways, might aswell take a chance and try something new". So I decided to do something I always wanted to do before.

I enrolled at the local university. Started studying CompSci. I took a student loan and quit my crappy job at the supermarket. It was nice being around actual people again. It took my mind off all the shit I usually thought about and it gave me a clear goal to work towards. I found tons of friends and forgot all about my depession. I felt like a whole new person. Those 4 years were the best of my entire life. After graduating with a BA in CompSci, I had a choice. Pursue a graduate degree or start working.

In hindsight, I really really should have started working. I stupidly decided to pursue a graduate degree. The first 6 months were great. Business as usual. I was on cloud nine.

Until Covid-19. University went into lockdown. All classes switched to online only. Suddenly I was stuck in my apartment again with nothing but my own thoughts keeping me company. I started attending less and less classes and spend my days huddled in my bed. Weeks went by and less turned to nothing. A few months later I stopped anything course related entirely. I felt stuck.

The only thing that gave me joy during those days? Open Source contributions. Those are basically free software projects anyone can work on. I started helping by implementing new features or fixing bugs. It felt great contributing to something and getting positive feedback from people. My graduate degree feels unatainable though. I don't want to spend another year or possibly two, wasting more valuable time than I already have. I want to apply and start working but who wants someone like me working for them?

I am 28 years old and still have nothing to show for. Friends and relatives are marrying, getting children, buying houses. It feels like everyone has got life figured out but me. Everything seems so hard and I notice that those old thoughts are slowly creeping back in.

I don't know why I can't be like anyone else. I wish I was normal.


Well-known member
Jan 4, 2021
Southern USA
sounds like you are doing pretty good....so you got sidetracked but enjoying OpenSourse contributions.
Don't be normal be you.


Well-known member
May 7, 2011
Oh come on! You are 28 not 98! I thought you were going to say you had done something to end up with a major physical disability or something like that. You have ample time to do the things you want to do. Getting married and producing kids is hardly the marker of a successful life. A successful life is a happy one. So just keep moving towards things that make you happy. And very good luck with it!


Well-known member
Aug 12, 2020
Hi I admire you for trying to better your life. You have an education that could come in handy. I do understand about people moving forward and you feel your not. Your young and that's on your side. I believe you will accomplish whatever you want in life. Good luck to you.😊
soul searching

soul searching

Well-known member
Nov 5, 2020
Clearwater, Florida
I think that is a pretty central theme around here-wanting to be normal. That would be a great topic for a short essay or a poem. Maybe I'll write one someday.


Well-known member
Oct 27, 2020
Orleans vermont.
No one predicted covid and it wont last. You can continue your education and work on side projects. Its good for job experience. Having something to show employers in a practical sense is important.

As for falling out of college, everyone got hit hard by covid. Its the worst plague since the spanish flu a hundred years ago. People underatand. No one besides people like myself are prepared to spend a year in a house with only you and your mind.

Your life is not over, its beginning with an event that, if we make it that far, will be tought to children 1,000 years from now. Just like the black death or scarlet fever was to us. Give yourself some credit, this is not an easy time to make it. Some people get married and have kids sure but some dont. Im 36 and im not married. You got this.


Well-known member
Feb 3, 2021
Covid is keeping most everyone at home, kids are depressed and for the first time crying to go to school, it's really weird. Don't give yourself a hard time due to covid confinement, give yourself a break.

I know it feels like you are or should have everything figured out at 28, but here's a secret: we all have the rest of our lives to continue figuring out. Like levels at a videogame, you get married and you have to figure it out. You have kids and you have to figure it out. You get a new job, you have to figure it out. You never stop learning and adapting, and at times it does feel exhausting, but it is also a beautiful thing, everyday a new chance to evolve.

I had to start all over from square one 5 1/2 years ago, I was 39, divorced, mother of 2 without child support, 4 freelance jobs and about to be homeless. Then I got a chance at something I had never ever done before, a chance to work in finance (I studied history, someone took a leap of faith and gave me a chance). Your future is not set on stone. 7 years ago enrolling was not in the plans, who knows what new things you will have to say 7 years from now.
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