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Fubar, new low

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dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
Messages
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Recently I am hitting a new low as stuff from past comes up in therapy. My depression has been creeping back in a huge wave. Basically my session I had on Thursday was super triggering because my therapist told me pretty bluntly at the end of the session that one relationship I had was continual "r", she used the r word - yes you know the one. For me I hate that word and I didn't consider what I had gone through to be repeated "r" I just knew it wasn't healthy and yeah, it was really abusive. I think people know that "r" is a huge thing and effects people quite greatly so to know that you have been through that and just be told it quite up front was kind of intense.... I am struggling to deal with both my mother's experiences of sex abuse (it upsets her to this day and has contributed to her alcoholism) and her own negative experiences with the men of this world, and my own experiences of sexual assault at the hands of not one, but many men.

I am also struggling with the fact I have never been able to sustain any kind of positive romantic or sexual relationship, despite now being 27. My first "love" (funny to call it love) ripped my heart out and treated me badly, and didn't care about it either. I have only ever had dysfunctional interactions and talking about it with my therapist, in a romantic way, I do not trust any single man or woman in the romantic sense. I have had huge trust and intimacy issues and can't just enjoy myself and flirt like normal people do, instead I have got a massive wall up when people come onto me. I feel angry this shit has happened to me, especially when I know of other people in long happy relationships, or the people I see walking down the streets hand in hand, is like a stabbing pain every time. To me that whole thing is shit.

That aside, I am having huge issues around my appearance. It has got to the point where it is everything about me. Even the things I am getting fixed. For example, I am having my teeth aligned currently but it is a slow process and they will not be fully in place until a number of months time, so I am concerned that when I smile at people my teeth look horrendous. I also believe my teeth are quite yellow, and I am not allowed to whiten them currently by my dentists. I am getting a skin treatment accutane, which is a tablet that makes your skin better as I have some acne, sometimes the breakouts can get really bad. I hope this will cure my acne but I am so anxious that it gets sorted and apparently the acne can get worse before it gets better so I am terrified of leaving the house and having to go to work and people will see me with this bad skin. I wear make up every day and cover over the spots but often you can still see the spots through the make up. I cannot leave the house without covering the make up because of comments that have been deeply hurtful to me about the acne that I have heard in the past. I am also concerned that my hair looks frayed and damaged and dry and it is thinned out due to hormone problems I have. I also have the acne due to my hormone problems in my body. Accutane is the only thing that might work to treat it so I hope it is going to help. I also believe I have a fat face and not enough cheekbones and am obsessing over this, wishing I was skinnier so more cheekbones could show. I think my whole face looks terrible and I am terrified to show it to people every day at work. I feel I am very ugly and this fear is now gripping me. Recently a guy looked into my eyes but just when he looked into my eyes, suddenly I saw a flash image of my own face looking like a scary monster, it was almost like a hallucination. I am getting deeply deeply insecure about even leaving the house and having to show my face to the world, I know this sounds so so vain and I hate myself for writing it, but for me there is nothing worse than people having to look at me. I honestly wish I could just hide myself from the world.

To be honest right now I am feeling like I just want to hide myself from the world and die.

I am so grateful that I have good friends in my life and a caring brother and there are people on this forum who I know care about me and are amazing supportive people, I don't really want to have to burden others with my problems, but I can feel the depression gripping me, and the anxiety too. And it's all telling me I would be better off out of this world, that I am not going to be strong enough to fight anymore.

Every day I am fighting so fucking hard by going to work but honestly I am losing my faith. Listening to sad music reaches me so much more deeply now it's like it's really chiming in with my soul and I can just feel so much death within. It's like the death of all good things, all I know is fear and mistrust right now.

I am so fucking scared of all this shit. I am so confused. I am feeling like a little child in the world.

As a side note this depression is not alcohol or medication related, as I have been religiously taking my anti depressant tablets and not taking alcohol or drugs for a long time now.
 
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dewey

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Jan 16, 2019
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I am off work today and left sitting here just not able to do anything. I am not even able to nap. I would love to be able to just sleep and rest but I cannot. All I am feeling is a depression stopping me from doing anything. I cannot even be bothered to do the washing up right now. I wish the world would slow down and I could rest.
Why am I so screwed up
 
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Deleted member 91323

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Oh Dewey, I am so sorry for your pain. You are going through such a lot. I know therapy can trigger a lot of upsetting memories and thoughts. You are very brave to continue with it. I can relate to how you feel about your appearance. It does not sound vain at all. It is very distressing to hate the way you look. I can understand why you find it hard to trust after having an abusive relationship. It is so hard to trust again. I really am sorry you are hurting.
 
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Until

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Feb 11, 2020
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that's awful that you feel that way about yourself, I know what you mean, some days i look in the mirror and don't recognise myself, I have lost my checkbones, I feel fat and unattractive. I think this is due to lockdown, I have had no exercise to speak of and have just ate a lot. I have also not had my hair cut in 4 months, I have an appointment soon, however the extra weight and bad hairstyle has added to me feelings of looking bad, this has got to be the same for a lot of people during lockdown?

Excuse me for being thick but what does 'r' mean?
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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i want to overdose
In between the lows, there are nice times. You move forward and progress.

If there was a bar chart tracking your emotions, there’d be peaks and troughs. When we’re low, we can’t appreciate the good stuff and can’t believe another peak is around the corner...but it is.

I’m extremely low right now. I’m not doing a life audit to give validation to how I feel. I was happy two weeks ago and nothing has changed except my mental state. It’s just like putting sunglasses on - everything will look darker and gloomier if I focus on it.

Don’t think, Dewey. Make yourself comfortable...cup of tea...do whatever you do to relax. This will pass and the less thought you give it, the better.

Sending you a huge hug xxx
 
calypso

calypso

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Dewey, I have sent you a PM, please read it through. I don't know where you live so can't better angle it to your location. I will post on here too in case you don't feel up to reading PMs.

Dear dewey

We are really sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time at the moment.

Please tell a friend, a family member or someone from an organisation like the Samaritans about the issues you are experiencing. If you are in the UK or ROI the Samaritans can be called for free on 116 123. If you are in the USA the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be contacted on 1-800-273-8255
or suicidepreventionlifeline.org In the USA and Canada 211 is a number you can use to access information about social services.

In other countries you can find similar services by looking at the Befrienders Worldwide Website at Befrienders Worldwide | Emotional support to prevent suicide worldwide

Our web page on getting help may also be useful to you. Here is a link to it Mental Health Forum - Getting Help

Here is a link to an article on Suicidal Crisis written by one of the Admin team which you may find helpful Suicidal Crisis

Please do seek help as soon as possible.
 
G

Girl interupted

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This was the hardest part of therapy for me; dealing with the reality of my life when I had done such a good job of stuffing it down and pretending it didn’t happen.

Its painful and every bone in my body wanted to just quit, to shut down, to ignore. To run away.

If you can get to the other side there is freedom. It seems once you acknowledge the trauma, it stops having a hold on you. Not immediately mind you, but gradually.

Its the space/time in between that can be excruciating.

But realize this, if you survived the trauma, you can do this. You can stop it from being your whole identity, and then you can move forward to creating a new identity that is all you, without the pain.

You are never a burden to me. Ever.

And you can do this.
 
U

Until

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@dewey it is so good that you that you have a caring brother and friends. Also acknowledge the progress you have made with not taking drugs anymore. Feel proud of yourself for this, well done.

I think a lot of people have been feeling depression since lockdown, I have struggled and not felt good about myself, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, keep in contact with your friends and you are not alone.
 
D

dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,567
In between the lows, there are nice times. You move forward and progress.

If there was a bar chart tracking your emotions, there’d be peaks and troughs. When we’re low, we can’t appreciate the good stuff and can’t believe another peak is around the corner...but it is.

I’m extremely low right now. I’m not doing a life audit to give validation to how I feel. I was happy two weeks ago and nothing has changed except my mental state. It’s just like putting sunglasses on - everything will look darker and gloomier if I focus on it.

Don’t think, Dewey. Make yourself comfortable...cup of tea...do whatever you do to relax. This will pass and the less thought you give it, the better.

Sending you a huge hug xxx
Thank you for your support and for thinking of me Lunar. It means the world.

I feel less low today, so far. Scary, when I take a dip, I really take a plunge downwards
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,567
This was the hardest part of therapy for me; dealing with the reality of my life when I had done such a good job of stuffing it down and pretending it didn’t happen.

Its painful and every bone in my body wanted to just quit, to shut down, to ignore. To run away.

If you can get to the other side there is freedom. It seems once you acknowledge the trauma, it stops having a hold on you. Not immediately mind you, but gradually.

Its the space/time in between that can be excruciating.

But realize this, if you survived the trauma, you can do this. You can stop it from being your whole identity, and then you can move forward to creating a new identity that is all you, without the pain.

You are never a burden to me. Ever.

And you can do this.
Yes, the space/time between is excruciating.

Thank you for your words.

X
 
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dewey

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Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
1,567
thank you everyone for your compassion.
God bless you all x
 
L

Lavendergirl

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Apr 24, 2020
Messages
161
Location
London
thank you everyone for your compassion.
God bless you all x
@dewey
Hi I know we don't really know each other well dewey
But I so very sorry you find yourself so desperately low.
Can I just say you were one of the first people to reach out to me on this forum several months ago.
You are compassionate intelligent and most important a good and caring human being
I held on to your words you were there when I needed you
As your friends are here for you now
Don't give up my friend you have come too far and overcome so many things in your young life
And yes you are still young with a life ahead of you that will keep getting better with time
Hold on to the life you have made for yourself
This part of the tunnel is scary and dark
You have been triggered during your counselling but you know that it's a horrible thing to happen
But working through that will make you stronger and that light at the end of your tunnel is bright and golden
Just waiting for you to see it and know you have got this, you can keep on keeping on.
Because you are a good and amazing person
Keep breathing my friend and stay strong you are loved.
 

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