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Frozen by Indecisiveness...

C

Cory1720

New member
Joined
Mar 7, 2016
Messages
3
Hi,

I'm struggling to make sense of everything in my life and what the right choices are... I can dissect every single choice and both in a positive and negative way and it seems that no matter what I choose I will be left feeling guilt and shame for my actions. I feel like I've ruined my life beyond the point of repair and I'm struggling not to just give up...

I guess for anyone to understand what I'm going through, they need to understand what I've been through... I'd write a book if I tried to explain it all so I'll summarize as best as I can.

I am the second oldest of 6 children at 34. My so called Mother (C) had 6 children with 4 different men. Children's Aid Society was involved throughout our entire childhood. The first case being open when my brother was only 6 months old because she openly admitted to thoughts of killing my older brother...

During my childhood, I never had a Father and while I lived with C on social services, I never had a Mother. She rarely physically abused her children but she definitely abused us mentally. She had many men come and go while I was young and during that time my brother and I were left to fend for ourselves. We'd be out all hours of the day and night. I was about 4 years old able to come and go as I pleased. The neighbors would feed me and at times clothe me, as I was walking around in nothing but a diaper.

Around this same time C attempted suicide by overdosing and this led to my brother and I being sexually assaulted for the first time in our lives. I was so young that I only have flashes of it... This was once of the 3 times she tried to overdose, all three times I was present. The first time I was too young but remember asking "What's wrong with Mom?" the second time, I was pulling pills out of her mouth and the third I remember hearing her argue with her husband and things went scary quiet so regardless of taking the chance of getting the living hell beat out of me from him I went to check on her. He was laying there watching TV telling me to leave her alone, she'll be fine... I knew by the way she was acting that she had taken more pills. I left the room and went downstairs, I don't remember if I told friends that were in the basement apartment or if I called myself but we called an ambulance...

This behaviour from her is what kept me from ever telling anyone about the abuse I lived. I loved my Mother with all my heart but I could not explain why... I didn't want anything bad to happen to her. I didn't want to hurt her by having her children taken away...

Which led to me being sexually abused by three different men throughout my childhood and being abused (tortured) by her husband of 8 or 9 years. This sick demented person would look for ways to inflict more pain on you or come up with punishments (chores) that took long hours to complete in an attempt to keep you out of their hair. I've been made to lay in the hallway with my arms and legs spread while he randomly came over and kicked and stomped on your entire body or kicked you in the face... I've been hung by my fingers with an extension cord and treated like a punching bag, when he needed to get up for a new beer. The list goes on... but ultimately I just took it...

I remember laying in bed wishing he was dead or I was dead. I remember dreaming that my real Father would come and rescue me... I remember standing outside his bedroom door one night with a knife thinking I could end all of our pain right now! Thinking C was just too scared to do anything, like the rest of us...

I finally moved out on my own at 15 and I promised myself that I would break the cycle of not only abuse but I would break the cycle of dysfunction and be someone that people can be proud of.

I was dating a girl just before moving out and she moved in with me 6 months after I was on my own. She come from a stable home with good parents. She had no sense of responsibility and while I remember it bugging me then that she was just laying around the apartment all day while I busted my ass off to live. I didn't want to lose her so I just shut my mouth and took it and around the same time, her Sister lost her boyfriend to a skidoo accident and left her a single mother with a 6 month old daughter. Naturally this sent her sister on a down ward spiral of drugs and alcohol and Michelle and I basically raised her niece for the first 3-4 years of her life. We were always "babysitting". I understood in the beginning but after a year of this I was feeling like we were being taken advantaged of but once again, I shut my mouth and put up with it.

M and I had our first child, I was 20 years old, her 22. We've had 4 children total now. Their ages are 14, 9, 7 and 6. When our oldest was just starting school, I'd finally had enough and told her that we needed two incomes to make things work. Michelle ended up pregnant again shortly after this conversation. While I could have prevented it by being responsible, I can't help but feel like she wanted to get pregnant again so she could stay home. I guess from there I just shut my mouth and lived with it. In hindsight I should have gotten myself fixed but she wanted a girl and I had bigger dreams that meant I could afford more children...

I've worked hard every day of my life and while I don't have a high school diploma, I've always worked my way up at any job I have had. Today I am the General Manager of Heavy Duty Trucks Dealership and make a great salary. Two years ago I bought my first home and I felt like I finally made it, life was going to be great from there on out.

Years previously when money was really tight I didn't want the stress of paying the bills or anything else for that matter... I simply handed everything over to hear and said you deal with it. You're a stay at home Mom, so you're responsible for the it all. I just make the money... Sounds really stupid now that I look back on it.

Turns out about 2 years ago I get a call at work from a collection agency for an unpaid bill. My wife (18 years common law) claims it was just because she didn't change the billing address when I bought the house. I decided that I was going to get access to online banking and go pay it with my line of credit. That's when my world crumbled. She not only maxed out my line of credit she also maxed out my credit card, when I called her I played dumb and inquired if there what the balance of my credit card and line of credit was and she lied, numerous times until I told her that I was logged in looking at the balance. Once I had time to calm down, I told her it was just money and I love her and forgive her and we'll get through it but that she'll have to get a job now and help pay it back.

She did go get a minimum wage job in an effort to pay it back. I will admit that I was so angry and resentful that now I'd have to take on even more responsibility because of her indiscretion. Cooking, cleaning, homework, baths, bed times and I destroy myself with guilt because part of me says "welcome to being a parent jerkoff". The other part of me remembered when she was responsible for the house, she'd do the bare minimum, get up with the kids and get them off to school only to go back to bed and sleep till noon and spend the rest of the day lounging by the pool or watching TV... Every time I would complain about it I was reminded how it was a much harder job than I give her credit for...

Anyways, about a year after the initial credit card issue, I was taking my truck (her truck) for an emissions test. When I got in the truck it was filthy. There was no way I was taking it to a garage looking like that, so I started to clean it out and found paperwork showing that she had a secret line of credit!! I called her right away and she once again lied about it, until I told her I was taking her down to the bank to inquire. Then when I asked what the balance was she lied again until I told her I was taking her to the bank to close it, if it had a zero balance. Then she admitted that it was another maxed out 10K line of credit...

I had to leave the Country for work for a week a couple days later and I couldn't really process it. I told her it was all going to be okay and a couple days later left...

I knew in my heart I was not okay with it. While I was gone I ended up meeting a woman and nothing physical happened but we both felt an emotional connection. This scared the hell out of me and when I came back I slept downstairs for two days trying to figure out how I was going to tell M I was done with everything.

When I did finally tell her, she threatened to kill herself and leave me with the children. She begged me to stay and give her one last chance to make things better. I told her that I didn't want to be 60 regretting my life or turning out to be a cheater but out of fear and guilt I stayed. I paid for her to go back to school to be a PSW. I explained that I needed a break and I was going to sleep in the downstairs room for now but it's not what I wanted. I just wanted to be free of all the garbage. I've worked so hard for and it's all just garbage...

For about two months I kept telling her that I couldn't give anymore and I needed out. I explained that I was going to walk away and she can have the house and everything else and I'll continue to pay for everything until she's graduated and making a decent pay and then she can help pay off the debt and get me in my own house so that I can share custody of my children.

She wouldn't listen and insisted that she loved me and that if I truly loved her I could forgive her and we can get through this. I decided to do the most disgraceful, cowardly thing I could, I cheated on her. In the moment it felt like my only way out. I would make her hate me and then we could both be free of each other.

That didn't work, when I told her she broke down and cried all night but the next day she said she loved me and forgave me and knew I was trying to sabotage our relationship. I told her that I don't forgive myself and that I was moving out.

While my intention was to be alone and clear my head. I ended up turning to booze and sex. I was drunk almost every other night and had sex with 6 different women in that time, one of which I'm dating right now...

My ex still tells me all the time that she dreams of the day I return home. There was a woman before the one I am dating now that I fell for and I cannot explain it. The chemistry between the two of us is nothing that I've ever felt before but she pushed me away and I know that right now she's not step mother material.

Now that I've met someone else, who is everything that I would want in a partner, this other woman has reached out and professed her love for me.

The woman I am seeing now is incredible, she's caring, nurturing, I've seen her around other people's children, she'd be an amazing step mother. She's already said that she'd accept the extra responsibility whole heartedly.

The problem now is that there is a part of me that wants to chase the chemistry I feel with the first woman.

There is a part of me that wants to cut all ties with every woman and wait to see if my ex truly changes and give her another chance and then there is the part of me that thinks I should push forward with the new woman, just because I don't have the same level of chemistry with her doesn't mean it won't be amazing.

Then the whole time, I'm feeling ashamed and guilty that I have 3 different woman emotionally involved with me...

I know I have an issue being alone, I have never been alone since leaving home. I wonder if I know what real love is. Did I just latch on to Michelle because she was the first person to show me affection?

The feelings I have for the second woman could be explained as her being unpredictable and in a bad place and maybe I'm attracted to her because she needs help?

Then this third woman, while initially I had such strong feelings, they have dissipated somewhat. I'm not sure if it's because of the feelings I have for the second girl or if it's because she is truly a strong independent woman that doesn't really need me or the thoughts of giving my ex one final chance. I guess it could be a mixture of them all...

I never made any hard choices, I just lived with what was dealt to me and kept moving forward. Suicide has always been on my mind but I've been to proud to act on it but I'm starting to feel like the real joke is on me and life is nothing but hell. I was never meant to be happy and being dead can't be any worse than being alive! I feel like no matter what I do, I've completely tarnished my own integrity and morals. I've disappointed everyone in my life and no one will see me the same way again.

I'm really tired of living my life for everyone else and being the one person that everyone can depend on but at the same time I find temporary happiness pleasing people. I feel like everyone knows that if you ask Co..(name) long enough he'll do anything you ask and no one cares how it makes me feel at the end of the day as long as they're happy.

I didn't want to write a novel but I did anyways... I'm sorry but I'm desperate for help and other peoples perspectives. The problem with that is that I know anyone close to me, agrees with me and tells me that I should have left a long time ago but anyone close to her tells her that I've never been anything more than a provider that neglected her and the children and the truth is some where in the middle of all of that...

I just want my children to live a better life than me. I vowed to break the cycle of dysfunction but I failed...
 
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Z

ziedite

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Joined
Nov 11, 2013
Messages
322
Location
UK
Hmmmm... . this post requires some thought on how to respond. To give a flippant answer of "just leave your ex" probably is not that productive as like you've said you've heard it before. But your comment on the fact that you've not been alone before is very interesting, as that may be what you need to do just now. Be alone with yourself. See your children, but not the other women. And learn about what you are like alone without the harder influences of these women. I would also recommend that you find a good therapist to speak to who is objective and impartial, it will help with the suicide impulses that you may be having. And keep writing to us here... some of us have been exactly in your shoes.
 
C

Crazy Lady In Stanton

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Joined
Aug 29, 2015
Messages
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Location
Stanton, CA
Before you make any crucial decision concerning the women in your life, get therapy. You need to get all of this off of your chest, and you need an objective, informed opinion. You also need time to heal from your deep wounds.

The one thing you should not do is abandon your children, either financially or emotionally. Keep your children close to you; forget about those women. Just take care of yourself and your kids.

Sending you lots of love and a big hug. :hug1:

Btw, it is possible to form healthy romantic relationships after surviving childhood neglect and abuse, but usually it requires therapy first. I wish you and your kids the very best.
 
C

Cory1720

New member
Joined
Mar 7, 2016
Messages
3
I've been meeting with a therapist since just before deciding to split from my Wife. This was initially to deal with my past that I've basically ran from and completely avoided but realized that it's still affecting me, but I've had so much happening in my present life that I have been unable to deal with my past. I'm not sold on therapy yet. I have a hard time accepting advice from someone who has never experienced what I've been through. How can they possibly understand and relate? I've been trying to keep an open mind...

The problem is I don't find an hour a week is enough, we can't even catch up on what happened the previous week and I leave feeling like there is so much left unsaid. I asked for more time last week so we'll see how it goes tonight.

I keep playing with the thought of being alone but I worry that my ex will interpret that as I am coming home and while that thought is there, I question my motive. I don't want to go back just out of shame and guilt or because that's the "right thing" to do.

I know from the few days of being alone here and there since leaving, I become overwhelmed with my own thoughts how I've failed and destroyed everything that I end up crying myself to sleep. I can't even brush my teeth in the morning without bawling and I just end up in a really dark place, thinking of different ways to end it all, to which I've decided that the only way to guarantee it is to eat a bullet and rather than buying a gun. I could just go to a shooting range, away from all my friends and family... I know I'd have a hard time being alone without making more bad decisions.

I had a four hour conversation with the woman I am dating last night because I don't want to hurt her and keep this going. There is one thing that I am, and that is honest. I haven't hid anything I've done from anyone. I've explained that I feel guilt knowing that I cannot give 100% of myself to her because I have no idea what I'm supposed to do... Ultimately, I feel like I'm being selfish and I need to stop this before I hurt her too much.
 
calypso

calypso

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Hiya Cory - just a quick note, I have removed all the actual names in the post as they can identify people. I hope you understand. I know you will get warm understanding on the forum :)
 
C

Cory1720

New member
Joined
Mar 7, 2016
Messages
3
Thank you Calypso, I had thought about changing the names but not really bothered by it...

I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I walked away but I don't want to change my children's lives or take away the quality of life that I have provided... So I just walked with my clothes. I don't want them changing schools or living in an crappy apartment in the bad end of town so I am still paying almost $4000 per month to keep the household running. The problem with this is that I cannot afford my own place, I'm living with my boss and the only way it gets better is if my ex starts working so that she can pay half the expenses. I will not declare bankruptcy and watch my children lose everything I've worked so hard for. They will not live poor, like I did...

Right now I see my children every night from after work (5pm) until they have to get ready for bed at 8pm. I have zero money to do anything with them. I have nothing exciting for them to do at my place besides play board games or watch Netflix and while I know they're young it still hurts me when they tell me my place is boring...

I ran all the numbers and alone it will take me 7 years to dig out of the hole my ex put me in and a little more than 2 years if she actually found a job and was willing to focus on paying the debt back. I can't wait 2 years to share custody of my children! That thought alone has me thinking of going back home every day...

I also worry about the type of men that my ex introduce to my children... She's already had this loser in my bed, (she claims they're just friends and he was making sure she was home safe from the bar) This guy has 3 teeth in his mouth, about 250lbs at 5' 5" and his career choice is pretending to be a bouncer and a dishwasher... I'm petrified that one of my children are going to be abused and if that happened I would literally kill that person and myself shortly after as I could not live with myself...

So essentially I can't go back unless she was showing real effort to be something more than just another dependent and could actually be honest and even then I don't know if it would ever work after everything... I can't afford support her and the kids and have a place of my own to share custody, I can't move on with someone else because my emotions and thoughts are all over the place.

I pulled my head out of my ass Jan 1st and promised myself after two months of being the worse version of myself that I would get back to being me... I met the current woman I'm dating, that night, and I couldn't help but think it was no coincidence. I was doing so good and felt happier and optimistic for a little while but now I realize it was just this woman's company. I'm like a vampire, but instead of blood, I drink happiness.

The last few weeks I've been going downhill again and now there is not a day that goes by that I don't think eating a bullet is the only sure choice. I actually found myself looking at the prices of guns a couple days ago. I didn't think much of it then but I reflect and realize that things are moving past just a fleeting thought I am able to disregard to the point now that it's like I'm planning it..

Last night my ex sends me a text telling me that I need to be sure what I want because she's going to start dating some guy. My honest first reaction was jealousy, and my response is who is this guy? I'm trying not to be a hypocrite and or influence her one way or another so I waited to respond and the only thing I could say was "you need to do what you think is best for you" However there is part of me that doesn't want to lose her but I don't honestly know why!?

Sorry for the novels! I just have so much inside of me and it has to come out, even if it doesn't make sense.
 
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