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Friendships

Topcat

Topcat

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Jan 8, 2018
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When you have a friend that you like, and talking to them makes you feel good/better, and you realise when maybe you’re not feeling good you obsessively want to talk to them. Then on the other hand, you realise that if you obsessively talk to them they will probably get sick of hearing from you (especially if you’re scraping the barrel with conversation starters in an attempt to sound simply chatty not needy) and want you to leave them alone. Then you ruin that friendship. Or think you’ve ruined it. Then feel stupidly jealous when they are having conversations with people who aren’t obsessive-needy-you and have to tell yourself that you’re ridiculous and maybe it’s better to not have friends to avoid all this stupid stuff. Because hypocritically, you also can’t actually cope with anyone becoming emotionally needy towards you - which is kind of how a two way friendship works.
And you realise you really are crap at just being able to be friends with someone.
 
Flameheart

Flameheart

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you have to have balance in friendships just as much as in relationships, but honestly I could have written this myself
 
R

Ramson mash

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When you have a friend that you like, and talking to them makes you feel good/better, and you realise when maybe you’re not feeling good you obsessively want to talk to them. Then on the other hand, you realise that if you obsessively talk to them they will probably get sick of hearing from you (especially if you’re scraping the barrel with conversation starters in an attempt to sound simply chatty not needy) and want you to leave them alone. Then you ruin that friendship. Or think you’ve ruined it. Then feel stupidly jealous when they are having conversations with people who aren’t obsessive-needy-you and have to tell yourself that you’re ridiculous and maybe it’s better to not have friends to avoid all this stupid stuff. Because hypocritically, you also can’t actually cope with anyone becoming emotionally needy towards you - which is kind of how a two way friendship works.
And you realise you really are crap at just being able to be friends with someone.

I've realised that I am capable of being the 'ignorant person' just as much as the 'needy person' depending on who im talking to, which also makes me realise i am probably serving my own impulses of wants and needs. Which makes me think im also a bad friend in general.
I think its all about energy, maybe your viewpoint might change if you yourself encountered someone today who was needy and drained your energy. You may discover that the roles have switched and you feel different about it. Like you say its a two way friendship and we will always encounter people who will make us naturally want to pull away or come closer.
 
R

Ramson mash

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And that might be by no fault of the other person at all. The uncomfortable awkwardness that we create can stem from our own feelings of inadequacy and self doubt.
 
E

EstherRose94

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Mar 2, 2019
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1,552
Location
USA
When you have a friend that you like, and talking to them makes you feel good/better, and you realise when maybe you’re not feeling good you obsessively want to talk to them. Then on the other hand, you realise that if you obsessively talk to them they will probably get sick of hearing from you (especially if you’re scraping the barrel with conversation starters in an attempt to sound simply chatty not needy) and want you to leave them alone. Then you ruin that friendship. Or think you’ve ruined it. Then feel stupidly jealous when they are having conversations with people who aren’t obsessive-needy-you and have to tell yourself that you’re ridiculous and maybe it’s better to not have friends to avoid all this stupid stuff. Because hypocritically, you also can’t actually cope with anyone becoming emotionally needy towards you - which is kind of how a two way friendship works.
And you realise you really are crap at just being able to be friends with someone.
Umm yep! I feel all that haha. It always makes me furious when someone less needy gets more attention because I’m only needy TO get attention and I can’t understand how they got attention AND got to keep their dignity. I mean logically I guess I kinda do but my emotional brain is like :confused:
 
Topcat

Topcat

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Even worse, I think I have a bad habit of taking from friends when in need, then disappearing a bit when I'm ok. Leaning on someone then just going awol. Although if anyone ever needed me I would be there, I don't always stay in contact as much. I'm a distant friend.
My one rl friend is also a distant friend, and it seems to work for us, we both know we're there for each other but we're both crap at keeping in touch, but she's fab and I love her in my weird unattached emotionally distant way.

The good thing with this forum is I'm not ashamed to just blatantly ask for replies, hugs and likes just to make me feel better if that's what helps lol.
I want attention, but I hate attention. Sometimes I want attention, but when I get some, particularly if someone says they are worried, I go out of my way to laugh it off and avoid any further attention. I'm confused about what I need I think. If anyone worries about me it shames me into wanting to make them feel better. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of anyone caring about me, but sometimes that's all I want.

Thanks for replies and insights x
 
E

EstherRose94

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Even worse, I think I have a bad habit of taking from friends when in need, then disappearing a bit when I'm ok. Leaning on someone then just going awol. Although if anyone ever needed me I would be there, I don't always stay in contact as much. I'm a distant friend.
My one rl friend is also a distant friend, and it seems to work for us, we both know we're there for each other but we're both crap at keeping in touch, but she's fab and I love her in my weird unattached emotionally distant way.

The good thing with this forum is I'm not ashamed to just blatantly ask for replies, hugs and likes just to make me feel better if that's what helps lol.
I want attention, but I hate attention. Sometimes I want attention, but when I get some, particularly if someone says they are worried, I go out of my way to laugh it off and avoid any further attention. I'm confused about what I need I think. If anyone worries about me it shames me into wanting to make them feel better. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of anyone caring about me, but sometimes that's all I want.

Thanks for replies and insights x
Yep still sounds like me lol. I think it’s okay we just have that sort of personality.
 
Topcat

Topcat

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Umm yep! I feel all that haha. It always makes me furious when someone less needy gets more attention because I’m only needy TO get attention and I can’t understand how they got attention AND got to keep their dignity. I mean logically I guess I kinda do but my emotional brain is like :confused:
And if I feel that someone who isn't needy and desperate is getting the sort of attention I think I need but am useless at getting, I just feel completely worthless and invisible and sad.

I'm also glad I don't feel like this all the time, just when I'm feeling needy.

I think my parents fucked me up :LOL:

The scary thing is, in what way am I fucking my kids up :(
 
Topcat

Topcat

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And with friends, when they need me it physically hurts me to worry about them and I find it stressful to deal with. I don't share my emotions well at all, so when someone's problem is massively emotional I find it overwhelming. Therefore it's easier to keep friends at a distance.
And friends in the past have hurt me and left me, or I've just walked away, either way we become strangers, they don't last, best to not have friendships.
So when I actually do have friends, I'm worried I'm either going to fail to keep it up, or be left and hurt.
And jealous of how some people make friends so easily.
 
J

Jaye8525

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Feb 24, 2019
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Glasgow
Hello,

I just wanted put a small support post here to tell you that you are not alone in how you feel. I'm glad you are able to be open about these feelings.

I hope this message finds you on a good day.

All you can do is your best. :)

J
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

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Jan 18, 2019
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Sometimes I want attention, but when I get some, particularly if someone says they are worried, I go out of my way to laugh it off and avoid any further attention. I'm confused about what I need I think. If anyone worries about me it shames me into wanting to make them feel better. I'm uncomfortable with the thought of anyone caring about me, but sometimes that's all I want.
*Hug* I've felt like this for a long time, maybe 32 years X
But I've found someone who makes me feel okay with being cared for, she is very very slowly convincing me that I deserve to be cared for, the hard part for me is accepting that someone loves me (with all my failings) as much as I love them X
Learning to let someone like/love/care/support you is really hard, I always wanted to put other people's needs before mine (often thinking that they need was me not to 'bother' them when I needed help)
I'm coming to believe that it's good to accept help and support X
 
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