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Friendships dying all over the place - help!

B

Barely here

Active member
Joined
Nov 29, 2008
Messages
33
I've been reading other people's threads on the friendships/relationships board because I'm really upset and at a loss and I'm trying to get some perspective or at least comfort.

Before I got ill (severe depression, PTSD, agoraphobia) I had a wide circle of friends - a few close people I'd known for years and a number of sort of between close and social friends if you see what I mean. Then on top of that I was always being asked to dos, parties, theatre, concerts etc

Sounds hunky dory, right?! Well, I guess it was - at least I took it all for granted.

But since I started to get depressed and more and more PTSD'd and more agoraphobic, all my friends have just dropped away.

I have one friend left from when I was well.

I wonder what the hell I'm doing or have done to make them go away. I know that my depression and extreme stress has left me far less time and even less patience but surely this is not the only reason?

I look back and wonder if all those friendships I took for granted were based on pretence?

It makes me feel so sad that people weren't real friends - even my partner wasn't a real friend (walked out a few yrs ago because illness had made me disorganised and not so in control of my life...).

Probably people will say that you're best off without these sort of fair weather friends. It's what I'd say to someone experiencing the same sadness and stuff about lost friends. And I guess it's true.

But I miss some of these people who I was really fond of - obviously more fond of them than they were of me! And I miss companionship and just hanging out together with people you feel kindred to.

Ok, ok, I'm probably sounding very sorry for myself - but I wanted to know if this loss of friends is a common experience - and if so why? And what can you do to not lose friends in the circs? (I'm getting a bit paranoid about losing my last friend and hardly dare breathe in case she disappears too! I don;t think she will but it's how I'm beginning to feel!)

Also, I';ve made two online friends who are in similar circs and they're absolutely wonderful and brilliantly supportive in their ways. I know it;d be nice to meet (which both have suggeted) but again I'd get very paranoid about losing them too!


Arrrghhhh! You can see, I'm really having a hard time with all this....and very sad that I've lost so many friends (because I suppose I couldn't be there for them or wasn't as entertaining...?)
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
You are not feeling sorry for yourself I have 31 friends on this forum and I have less than one handful of real friends but thats ok because when I was well and only just started to go into hospital they didnt have enough room on the ward for all my friends family cards presents but i had five beautiful card sfor my birthday and two still to arrive I think and they are beautiful go on to my blog and have alooka t the beautiful card mrs_p sent me its so lovely and it maade me so happy to see it on tuesday morning.
I cannot explain quite whot goes wrong there just is so little understanding about how mh conditions effect your real life friends I'm quite lucky to be able to be honest with my best friends about my mh status but I wouldnt talk about voices n stuff with anyone other than the mh trust or this forum.
My nan said to me always laugh n the whole world laughs with you cry n there will be no body around. I loved my nan but I dont buy into all that its a better world and whot you have beenthrough makes you stronger so you loose all your really good friends but that supposed to make you stronger, I dont quite understand that mentality and logic, they have deserted you when you have become un well but if you had abroken leg wll thats ok bcause you can see a broken leg but a broken mind well lets see, No dont understand that condition you are amess and no body wants to help, people can be so cruel but you will find good solid friends on this forum it is very supportive.
I spend a considerable amount of time by myself but I enjoy my own company and I do have achukle to yself some days its hard to do things like go for a drink though I have done it in the past, the cinema and the pictures retaurants are difficult but its not uncommon.
Stay focusesed has much has you can your best friend proberly will remain your best friend and look after ecah other.
I'm snding you my best wishes for your continued future stay with us and keep posting this really is agreat place to be there is no stigma here take care James:)
 
B

Barely here

Active member
Joined
Nov 29, 2008
Messages
33
Hi jamesdean and a belated happy birthday to you!

I'll scoot along to your blog to look at your cards in a mo...how nice that all those people remembered your birthday and that made you happy.

thanks for your reply and your kind wishes.

I feel that you're right about the lack of understanding - yet I find that excuse so lame seeing as 1 in 4 of all of us have a mentla illness at some stage in our lives. Mental illness is SO common so you'd think that there'd be some greater understanding amongst everyone by now...

Well, that's my logic, it doesn't seem to follow what happens in reality though does it? Like you I'm a bit sceptical about all the 'better world' and 'problems make you stronger' stuff now.

Sometimes I think that I'd have had far more support if the criminal who's harassing and stalking me had physically beaten me up every time I went out - then I'd have had bruises and broken bones to show for it. Instead I've had to keep trying to convince people that the underhand things that the offender is doing are actually happening....people don't (or refuse to) see beaten up and broken minds - it's so weird.

I'm so thankful for my loyal friend and I tell her this often. Good friends are like rare diamonds.

Funnily enough, I had an email today from one of the deserter friends. I haven't heard from her in nearly a year. She tells me she's now a psychotherapist!! (I really had to worry about how her patients are going to be treated...I mean, if you don't listen to your friends when they're in trouble how can you listen to others?)

Yes, I like my own company too - but you can get too much of a good thing sometimes!

I guess I just want my normal life back...with a balance of everything . But most of all, I don't want to lose any more friends - which makes me scared to make new friends, it's a bit of a vicious circle. :cry:



You are not feeling sorry for yourself I have 31 friends on this forum and I have less than one handful of real friends but thats ok because when I was well and only just started to go into hospital they didnt have enough room on the ward for all my friends family cards presents but i had five beautiful card sfor my birthday and two still to arrive I think and they are beautiful go on to my blog and have alooka t the beautiful card mrs_p sent me its so lovely and it maade me so happy to see it on tuesday morning.
I cannot explain quite whot goes wrong there just is so little understanding about how mh conditions effect your real life friends I'm quite lucky to be able to be honest with my best friends about my mh status but I wouldnt talk about voices n stuff with anyone other than the mh trust or this forum.
My nan said to me always laugh n the whole world laughs with you cry n there will be no body around. I loved my nan but I dont buy into all that its a better world and whot you have beenthrough makes you stronger so you loose all your really good friends but that supposed to make you stronger, I dont quite understand that mentality and logic, they have deserted you when you have become un well but if you had abroken leg wll thats ok bcause you can see a broken leg but a broken mind well lets see, No dont understand that condition you are amess and no body wants to help, people can be so cruel but you will find good solid friends on this forum it is very supportive.
I spend a considerable amount of time by myself but I enjoy my own company and I do have achukle to yself some days its hard to do things like go for a drink though I have done it in the past, the cinema and the pictures retaurants are difficult but its not uncommon.
Stay focusesed has much has you can your best friend proberly will remain your best friend and look after ecah other.
I'm snding you my best wishes for your continued future stay with us and keep posting this really is agreat place to be there is no stigma here take care James:)
 
T

trainwreck

Guest
your friends didnt leave you , they were scared of your illness , they couldnt understand it themself,s so they felt helpless an awkward. you are not the same person they new, even if you think you are, your life changed there,s didnt, sad i no my friend but its the truth :(
 
KP1

KP1

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2008
Messages
1,500
I too have lost contact with many friends over the years and that was before any mental illness struck. People lead such busy lives these days and are more mobile and it is easy to loose touch. I do think friendships need working at and we have to risk rejection and try.This forum like JD says is a great way to make on line friends who are generally non judgemental and probably of a much greater mix than you would normally have in the"real" world.
Liking yourself comes first and developing your own interests then friendships may follow.
Kp
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
:)
Hi jamesdean and a belated happy birthday to you!

I'll scoot along to your blog to look at your cards in a mo...how nice that all those people remembered your birthday and that made you happy.

thanks for your reply and your kind wishes.

I feel that you're right about the lack of understanding - yet I find that excuse so lame seeing as 1 in 4 of all of us have a mentla illness at some stage in our lives. Mental illness is SO common so you'd think that there'd be some greater understanding amongst everyone by now...

Well, that's my logic, it doesn't seem to follow what happens in reality though does it? Like you I'm a bit sceptical about all the 'better world' and 'problems make you stronger' stuff now. :cool: Take good care n keep posting its good to talk James

Sometimes I think that I'd have had far more support if the criminal who's harassing and stalking me had physically beaten me up every time I went out - then I'd have had bruises and broken bones to show for it. Instead I've had to keep trying to convince people that the underhand things that the offender is doing are actually happening....people don't (or refuse to) see beaten up and broken minds - it's so weird.

I'm so thankful for my loyal friend and I tell her this often. Good friends are like rare diamonds.

Funnily enough, I had an email today from one of the deserter friends. I haven't heard from her in nearly a year. She tells me she's now a psychotherapist!! (I really had to worry about how her patients are going to be treated...I mean, if you don't listen to your friends when they're in trouble how can you listen to others?)

Yes, I like my own company too - but you can get too much of a good thing sometimes!

I guess I just want my normal life back...with a balance of everything . But most of all, I don't want to lose any more friends - which makes me scared to make new friends, it's a bit of a vicious circle. :cry:
You are so right diamonds are forever but a guy told me lovers come n go friends remain forever I find it contrary to belief because my best friend of 22 years tried it on with my boyfriend honestly he dosent even look at woman in that way. You will find the strengh to make good new friends though n then you will meet your diamonds my oh is a diamond and I love:love: him to bits he stays close to my heart always and I try to keep us sfe when I'm with him obviouslt he dosent live in my pocket hes a real person and he has to find his own dreams and spirations I just enjoy his company when I do see him and cherish that moment because all to often other peole have differant ideas n pbviously he draws on other peole breaths hes in charge of 15 plus staff has social worker.
 
B

bburns

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
14
I know it hurts so much when the people we thought were close just leave. I can honestly say that I have only two people who are close to me that are adults. Both are family, and yes I do miss those who "walked out" or maybe I pushed them away. But, even if I did I really miss them.

Belated bday wishes to jamesdean as well. I think that is wonderful that you had friends send cards. The simple things in life really do show how much people care for you. :)
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
:)One of My best friends from 1983 came to mine last night( I have four best friend,) she came with her husband they drove up the motorway they brought me a birthday cake, some flowers some other things choclates a beautiful card etc etc, my boyfriend then cooked us all th e indian food because it was much cheaper to make it than get a take out.
We had some lagers n cider for her husband and then she had to drive back down the motorway at 12 because hes working this morning.
Yhat is true friendship and when I had my breakdown in 1990 I had planned to do their wedding catering for them but anyway she always been thre for me not always physically because they had their children to b ring up and to concentrate on providing for their daughters and working all the hours God sends.
But we just ckicked again last year and the friendship and love is has deep now has it always was Her mum prayed for me when I was in th pscyiatric hospital(actue) state and the day hospital for two years.
So friendships can still be wonderful even when you are :mad:
Then I have two other frinds that live away and one best friend in my city.
my mum is my friend my cousin and most of all my boyfriend then I know lots of other people but they are not best friends.
Apparently I was once told best frinds you should be able to count on one hand, and has I've said I lost all lot of friends to both aids and two to suicde.
I say alittle prayer evry morning to keep all the people that I know safe.
 
B

bburns

Member
Joined
Jan 11, 2009
Messages
14
:)One of My best friends from 1983 came to mine last night( I have four best friend,) she came with her husband they drove up the motorway they brought me a birthday cake, some flowers some other things choclates a beautiful card etc etc, my boyfriend then cooked us all th e indian food because it was much cheaper to make it than get a take out.
We had some lagers n cider for her husband and then she had to drive back down the motorway at 12 because hes working this morning.
Yhat is true friendship and when I had my breakdown in 1990 I had planned to do their wedding catering for them but anyway she always been thre for me not always physically because they had their children to b ring up and to concentrate on providing for their daughters and working all the hours God sends.
But we just ckicked again last year and the friendship and love is has deep now has it always was Her mum prayed for me when I was in th pscyiatric hospital(actue) state and the day hospital for two years.
So friendships can still be wonderful even when you are :mad:
Then I have two other frinds that live away and one best friend in my city.
my mum is my friend my cousin and most of all my boyfriend then I know lots of other people but they are not best friends.
Apparently I was once told best frinds you should be able to count on one hand, and has I've said I lost all lot of friends to both aids and two to suicde.
I say alittle prayer evry morning to keep all the people that I know safe.


That is excellent you had a visit today! I swear we only need a couple friends who take us for who we are on good days and bad. Though I wish I could allow more people to be close to me. I take those who can handle me and understand.

I am sorry a few of your friends passed away. I have had some family pass on. Plus, one sweet online friend who had agoraphobia as well. She was older and really fought her whole life with this illness.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Hi how are you feeling this early morning bburns? the witchs hour is nearly up and it will be more tranquil in fact it might be a good idea to change the music for some relation sorry to hear about your friend, its such a difficult one agroaphobia I only really had that for about six months after I was discharged from the psychiatric hospital in the small town that I live in but once I moved away it calmed down, I heard a record the other day "where the streets have no name", that would be interseting!
 
D

darkorchid30

Active member
Joined
Feb 2, 2009
Messages
26
Hello, I can relate to what you're saying. I was agraphobic for several years. I can recall not seeing one other person apart from my Dad for nearly two years :-( It was horrendous. I can relate. It seems allot of friends just can't understand what we're going through and many don't stick around. The ones that do are worth they're weight in gold.

I just wanted to let you know I'm here for you and thinking of you. And all the people on here seem lovely :)

Hugs and nice thoughts

Orchidxxx
 
N

northern

Guest
Frienship is like a bag of old pennies.
99% of them are useless and only 1% might have some merit but usually you're just mistaken.
In the end they are all tarnished and worthless.

I wrote this several years ago. Pennies are worthless here, so is 1c & 2c pieces yet will always see shops selling something for $1.99 etc.

Why do I feel that most friendships are worthless, it would seem if I do all the travelling to see them, then that's OK and this can mean more than 1 hour to anywhere to 4 hours driving.

If I do all the long distance phone calls, then that's OK too, as I am the one paying but usually I get all their problems, and their whinging about their dead beat husbands, their kids are shits and it goes on, yet when I wish to talk about something I have a done and am proud of my achievement such as Showing one of my dogs or a new quilt that has taken maybe 2 years to finish, it's either their sidetracked by something like the TV or a child or you can hear them tapping away at the keyboard on the PC and many atime their very vague:redface: very embarrassing and very upsetting for me. Makes me feel why did I bother.

Many a time I just stopped talking and found that there was a very long silence before they actually realised that I had stop speaking. I've even hung up without getting a return phone call:eek:

When I had cancer & shortly thereafter I was attacked suddenly the so called friends did disappear. What! did they think, that they too would catch cancer or someone was going to bash them if they hung around. And these people I had been friends with for more than 20 years. I was also very careful of not sounding like a crazy person eg: crying my heart out, venting my anger at Why! Me! as I didn't what to talk about it then. I tried to be strong and not appear to others that I was totally losing it.

In hind sight maybe if I had of stopped doing all the going, taking out, or phoning earlier they would have disappeared very early on.

I believe life long friends are made when you are around 13-14yrs. I have only one that has lasted the distance going on 39 years. The rest all buggered off.

I now, when I feel I can cope and take myself out to something of interest treat people with no expectations. They know where I live, some are given my phone number and if I don't hear from them at all then thats fine. NO LOSS.

If I am invited out or asked to come over, I go once then say come by when you get a chance(again I am careful of not telling them all my woes as there is nothing as off putting to someone you are trying to get to know) If no further contact is done by them then NO LOSS.

Feed up with people believing you have to be the one to do all the running around to be called a friend.
 
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