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ATiredMan

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I have a friend, she has been diagnosed with BPD but is not in treatment right now. We met last summer, started as friends (with a massive click) but after a few weeks she told me she had feelings for me. I reciprocated, but she decided quickly that she didn’t want to be more than friends in the end.

But there is a problem: every time things are good between us, they become almost too good and it’s painfully clear that at least part of her wants more. She has been testing me on the “just friends” thing, taunting me almost to break the rule. But I didn’t. You know I love you, but I also know what your line is right now and I respect that.

About 2 months ago, she pushed me out. Not the first time, but much harder than before. Text after text calling me the worst person ever, accusing me of playing games etc. and she blocked me on every possible platform. After a week she unblocked me, and nine days after that she reached out to me and we met. It felt really good to see each other again, she had clearly missed me as much as I missed her. It didn’t last, a few days later she asked again for space and I gave her that.

About a week later I sent her a text, just to let her know I was thinking about her. Usually that was a long enough time for her, but clearly not this time. She snapped at me, but not without telling me that things were not good (and that she didn’t want to talk about is). Two days later however she texted me to tell me she was not angry with me, that it had nothing to do with me.

That’s the last I heard of her, it’s been 2 weeks now. I was hoping she would have reached out to me by now, but she hasn’t. I know she has a lot going on in her life, and I think the problem with me is that she wants something that she also fears deeply. There are times where she can completely trust me and feel safe (she tells me as much), even when she was very angry with me she was defending me against a friend who was “all men are scum”-ing me.

I try to be as detached as possible, trust her to come back when she is ready. But as it’s taking longer than usual now I’m getting worried. Worried that she won’t reach out as long as her feelings are there. Worried that she thinks I don’t want to talk anymore, because I’m sure she notices that I haven’t reached out either.

What can I do? How can I balance giving her space with showing her that I care a lot about her? Or is it a hopeless situation anyway?
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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Hey friend - google push : pull

it’s essentially we want intimacy so we meet people everything’s going great but then we go hey this is great and they like me I don’t want this to end but they’ll inevitably leave me so then we do stuff that will drive people away because being left and abandoned by someone hurts much less than telling someone you hate them and leaving them first right? It comes from a place of fear and it’s a constant thing. Have you ever reassured someone they look great and they they don’t believe you and just keep thinking the same thing ... that basically except with emotions and fear of abandonment



I dunno if the video is any good but the thread seems pretty informative x
 
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ATiredMan

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Hey MYTIMEHASCOME, thank you for your response :). The video was ok, and the thread was very informative.

I know about the push/pull, been pushed and pulled around quite a lot the past few months. Sometimes just for an hour or 2, sometimes for days. I've seen her fear on display, she told me about her traumas too, but all that knowledge isn't really helping me at the moment.

The problem is that I don't want to be chasing her, but at the same time I want to give her that reassurance that I'm not abandoning her either. I trust her to pull me back when she's ready but at the same time there is this little voice in the back of my head that won't shut up either :cry:
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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Hey MYTIMEHASCOME, thank you for your response :). The video was ok, and the thread was very informative.

I know about the push/pull, been pushed and pulled around quite a lot the past few months. Sometimes just for an hour or 2, sometimes for days. I've seen her fear on display, she told me about her traumas too, but all that knowledge isn't really helping me at the moment.

The problem is that I don't want to be chasing her, but at the same time I want to give her that reassurance that I'm not abandoning her either. I trust her to pull me back when she's ready but at the same time there is this little voice in the back of my head that won't shut up either :cry:
hello again :) glad the thread was informative. The problem is you don’t want to be chasing her but I can tell you as someone with bpd that if someone stopped chasing or stopped making contact or we were calling it id eventually panic and just cut them off and forget about them completely like I’d feel literally nothing to protect myself from feeling the sadness of being abandoned. The back and forth will continue until she gets help (DBT) which will teach her skills to manage her BPD but even that isn’t guaranteed to work I was doing dbt felt criticised by the person doing the dbt with me and gave in and decided I hated the person and never went back - bpd is difficult to treat and dbt is the only currently recognised way to treat it but you’d have to get her to go and stick to it ... which would defo not be easy. You’ll be doing the back and forth endlessly until that happens.

sorry I can’t be of more help, from a personal point of view I wouldn’t stop communicating unless you want to be completely ghosted, some people will say you’d be happier in a relationship with someone without bpd - this is why I’m alone and I don’t even externalise my bpd - we love people intensely they love us back we feel it’s too good and sabotage before we’re abandoned and the other person is so confused they either try and fix the situation and can’t because it’s too hard and get stuck in a cycle or they leave and find someone else. Have you ever seen the Sydenham quote to describe bpd? Google it :hug:
 
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ATiredMan

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Thanks MYTIMEHASCOME. The frustrating part is that when we were still doing ok she was very close to getting help. She had a paper with all the phone numbers written down and everything but then it all went downhill again and the plan was shelved or scrapped.

I really don't know what to do. Maybe after 2 weeks it's a good moment to send just a little message, to let her know I'm still here
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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I think your two week check in plan is a good one. But it doesn’t answer the obvious question: why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? What makes you think if you were to establish that you
are romantically involved the dynamic would disappear? This person is erratic. Her behavior has not taken into account your feelings and has been borderline abusive to you. Regardless of what these behaviors are attributed to, this is the way that they are and they may not change in the near or distant future, if ever. Why invite that into your life if you don’t have to? Sorry if this sounds harsh but it’s important not to see people through rose tinted glasses in relationships when their behavior shows you otherwise and to look out for yourself. xo, j
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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I think your two week check in plan is a good one. But it doesn’t answer the obvious question: why would you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? What makes you think if you were to establish that you
are romantically involved the dynamic would disappear? This person is erratic. Her behavior has not taken into account your feelings and has been borderline abusive to you. Regardless of what these behaviors are attributed to, this is the way that they are and they may not change in the near or distant future, if ever. Why invite that into your life if you don’t have to? Sorry if this sounds harsh but it’s important not to see people through rose tinted glasses in relationships when their behavior shows you otherwise and to look out for yourself. xo, j
hey Jess I’m not going to lie as someone who has BPD that does sound harsh but I have quiet BPD where I internalise those behaviours so maybe that’s why I think it’s harsh, because a lot of the negative stuff I internalise. Also I appreciate you have maybe experienced the negative side of bpd and so I respect your comment x

you’re right in saying that people need to look out for themselves and can’t be miserable on behalf of other people and that some of the behaviours bpd people do are bad and I’m not condoning the behaviours but so many people bash people with BPD in fact I’d say people with BPD probably get treated the worst when it comes to understanding of the illness and in that I’m including sociopaths.

this is the thing people with bpd are massively loving but also they have bad behaviours as well but we don’t pick to be like this that’s how we are good and bad and contrary to what people without bpd think it doesn’t come from malice it’s trying to push people away for fear of being abandoned ... it’s just a really messed up way of thinking x

obviously you have your own experience with bpd and that’s fair enough but I guarantee if we spoke in person you’d have a different opinion, people’s regular personality upbringing etc also influence how they react and how had the behaviours are :)

sorry if this comes across as argumentative I was just giving my opinion :hug:
 
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ATiredMan

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Hi JessisMe, thank you for taking the time. Your question is a valid one :)
First of all, I obviously like her a lot so there may be some rose tinted glasses involved. But I also know that I give her some sort of stability, when things between us are clear. And of course I feel so much better when she's in my life too.

And Hi MYTIMEHASCOME and thank you too.
I think both your answers show both parts of the argument in my head really. I see the problems and I know this will never be easy, but I also feel that she's worth it for me.

I think I need to reframe my thinking. She has all the information about me she needs and if it turns out that's not enough to go forward I have to draw my conclusions.
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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Hi JessisMe, thank you for taking the time. Your question is a valid one :)
First of all, I obviously like her a lot so there may be some rose tinted glasses involved. But I also know that I give her some sort of stability, when things between us are clear. And of course I feel so much better when she's in my life too.

And Hi MYTIMEHASCOME and thank you too.
I think both your answers show both parts of the argument in my head really. I see the problems and I know this will never be easy, but I also feel that she's worth it for me.

I think I need to reframe my thinking. She has all the information about me she needs and if it turns out that's not enough to go forward I have to draw my conclusions.
I hope whatever happens you’re both happy - hopefully happy together but if not just happy individually!
 
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ATiredMan

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In the end, I have decided not to reach out again. Seems like all I can do for now is let her figure it out and in the meantime move on with my life. I feel like I've done everything I can do, probably more than was healthy for me but it still feels like I'm letting her down.

Her silence tells me everything I need to know really, it's clear she does not need or want me around right now. It's hard to take in a way, it makes me doubt everything we've been through after the past months and I would be lying if I said it felt "right", but it is what is I guess. :low:
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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She probably does but she’s pushing you away. Just to let you know so as to spare your feelings she probably will just cut you out completely and it seems cut throat but it’s nothing you’ve done it’s to protect her self. And you’re right you’ve done all you’ve can so if she doesn’t reach out again it’s not because of you it’s just what she needs to feel okay
 
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ATiredMan

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When I look at how she treats her exes, cutting me out completely seems unlikely, she's very much a recycler. And I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I think it makes a big differences if she reaches out soon (I gave her 2 more weeks in my mind) or after say half a year. I think that if she reaches out soon it will be from a good place, if it's later it's probably not that good and I have to be ready to not go through the same mess again :/
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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When I look at how she treats her exes, cutting me out completely seems unlikely, she's very much a recycler. And I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I think it makes a big differences if she reaches out soon (I gave her 2 more weeks in my mind) or after say half a year. I think that if she reaches out soon it will be from a good place, if it's later it's probably not that good and I have to be ready to not go through the same mess again :/
you say she’s a recycler but we’re they contacting her as well? Because if that’s the case then that’s probably why she got back with then, like I don’t know her so maybe not but I know I’d finish with someone and they didn’t contact me it would be forgotten about in my mind - hopefullyyou get it sorted though x
 
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ATiredMan

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It's her that does the reaching out to them, quite often as a sort of revenge when she's mad with me. Even to people she really doesn't like. Either way, it's not something I look forward to because that can only end in more pain for the both of us.
 
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MYTIMEHASCOME

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It's her that does the reaching out to them, quite often as a sort of revenge when she's mad with me. Even to people she really doesn't like. Either way, it's not something I look forward to because that can only end in more pain for the both of us.
oh I see so she’s doing it like that, this makes sense I thought you meant she just randomly contacted exes because she wanted to and I was thinking that’s strange if she has bpd but if it’s to wind you up that would make sense, :( it always end in more pain! Hope you get it sorted
 
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