Friend not talking - Am I such a monster?

[Wynn]

(Sorry - this is a bit of a moan!)

Just ran into my friend that I have been trying to patch up friendship with for the last year. Last time I saw him was just before the summer - stopped by where he works to say that my work hours were changing and I wouldn't be around as much in future, asked how he was etc. He said then that he was not getting depressed as much and hinted that was because he wasn't seeing me as much - I asked him then if he thought that I was making him depressed, and he said yes. I don't know how or why - he wouldn't say, but I said I was sorry I made him feel that way, and wished him all the best. We had a hug - first one in a long time, and said goodbye.

Today when I saw him in a cafe - he knew I was there, but ignored me and sat outside, (there were only 2 other people in the place). I went to say hi as I left - but no response. I asked if he wasn't speaking to me (silly question !), to which he said 'I guess so'. When I asked 'why?' he said he didn't want to talk about it. I put my stuff in the car, but then turned back, I was going to ask him if he would like me to leave him in peace, pretend I didn't know him from now on - I don't like making him sad, or feeling hurt myself for that matter. He just got up and went into the cafe, so I left.

Feel so rotten now - my marriage has split up this year, (but we are still having to share the same house because can't afford to split and kids are in middle of major exams), my best friend died at Christmas, and now I think this friendship has really bit the dust. Feeling so lonely and wondering if I really am the horrible, uncaring person that husband and now ex-friend make me out to be? Feel like hurting myself, but so far managing not to - taking kids out tonight and daughters party on Friday, so trying to concentrate on that. Also have an observation at work tomorrow - I'm a teacher, tho' preparation for that's not going well after this morning - too many tears.

In conclusion - I'm feeling rubbish, and very sad.

 

[dreambuggieII]

my tu pence

Two sides here:

the devils advocate bit: I have a friend, or ex-friend, of whom I fantacise every now and then by letting her know, that I felt pretty "dumped". Man...i even dream about it. I know, it's vindictive, but sometimes you feel that life is way too unjust. Again it's just a little one liner I have spinning. (some people call this resolve or closure)...I know, I just have rejection cr** to accept. It's just a little chink into the ole armour.

am I a monster syndrome: skuuze, the attempt at humour here, I'm just writing fast. In short, no.

Life is hectic, we all know that. People, like my ex-friend probs has a whole loada stuff to deal with. Sometimes "friends" may not be at the same point of connection. I guess I have to realize that.

Friends drift - that's a certainty. We just part in different ways, being at different stages - then something good happens. We meet another, or experience something that eases the whole thing, and we start the cycle again.

hope you managed to get it off your chest. - i'd probs be writing like crazy if i went through it - hope your okay....

pah coffee can be overated in any case

 

[Sugar Coated Owl]

If I were you I would just give your friend some space for a while, wait for him to make contact with you. I assume he has your number? and you say he knows where you work.

 

[trombone_babe]

Ah Wynn we seem to have a lot in common. I'm trying to patch up a good friendship that I've wrecked by being too demanding in terms of needing to talk, being clingy etc. I have also recently lost a close friend, and my mother as well. I feel very lonely (even tho I have a husband that's being as supportive as he knows how to be) and always seem to mess up friendships. I'm also a teacher, but am currently off work and feeling forgotten by most of my colleagues.

Being in a similar situation, I don't think any advice I offer will be any use cos I can't get it right myself. All I can do is commiserate.

 

[Wynn]

Thanks Trombone Babe - your thoughts are much appreciated. Unfortunately I think the friendship really is dead, at least from his point of view. I just wish he would treat me with a little more gentleness as an ex-friend. His words and actions really hurt. And I wish I knew why he feels I am such a terrible friend - but I think I might never know that. Ah well!

Thinking of you too Trombone Babe - hoping you get to feeling greater happiness soon. Grieving - for a relationship or a person - is really hard, but it is necessary I think. All the best.

 

[simonsmith20092009]

Ex-friends, I vaguely recollect an article in the paper about what to do (from his point of view) if an old friend tries to hitch up with you again. It was basically do you still want to be friends or not and what to do with each decision. It seems for some reason he doesn't want to be friends with you anymore and he is trying his best to stay 'goodbye to you'.

He probably is not the only person in your life to give you the flick. People move on and maybe this is what they are doing and dont want to move on with you. People change. You have had first had experience now. It happens to all of us. Its tough I know. Its life.

Why not look for new friends who actually want to be friends with you.

 

[Lady Summer Isles]

Am going through a similar situation myself. Up until a few months ago i was seeing this friend most days. We met at a day centre and we both have probs. A few weeks back she started cutting the contact down and phone calls/txts. I thought she was just going through a bad patch so decided to give her some space and said you know where i am if you want a coffee/chat. It's now at the point of no contact at all and i don't feel able to ask her why. I did see her at the day centre this week but we didn't really speak. Sorry that's not really much help I know. I'm glad to have this forum as i don't have any other friends. I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time.
Take care
Tannith