Friend makes an asshole comment and I want to go into borderline rage

qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Hi,

When I am away from the psych community I am not sure if I really am sick or if psychiatry likes to medicalize people, but i know that I can learn from this stuff a lot, just as I relate to ADHD people, and just as i relate to some things about autism.

I know there are some principles in psychiatry that I think are simplistic, such as that you have to help yourself (I got burned out) and that only you are in control of your thoughts. And I feel excessively marginalized for being diagnosed with both schizoaffective disorder and bpd, as well as for being hospitalized four times. I don't think I really see myself as that different or dysfunctional relative to other people.

Anyway, so here is the story I came here for to vent and understand. I told my friend I got triggered by an insensitive email from a friend I really like, triggered by something I rationally consider minor (he called my emails to him 'things') and then my friend replied with something that triggered me as insensitive also, well damn I hope you manage to get through it. I don't have to be insulted and I was happy at first that he emailed at all, but I started to feel like his email was a little careless. At the same time, just as with the other email I don't feel like I can say anything because I will come off as crazy for something so small. I found it angering because it seemed a little sarcastic and like I dont have time for you kind of email, and he has written very short emails like that before.

His emails tend to be short whereas mine are long, and he doesn't reply regularly to me but says he doesn't mind receiving the emails when I asked. I feel his responses are a little unconcerned and thoughtless.

But at the same time I can't necessarily justify writing him angrily, so the emotion and thoughts stay inside my head.

I have a hard time when I don't know what to do with these small things that cause reactions in me and I feel silly talking about bc so small.

I feel calmer writing it out but I have felt before by this persons actions that he doesnt care and that I do most of the work in the relationship. At the same time, I don't want to lose him. I feel a little taken advantage of, as I often do in relationships. If I were to write him I think he would get offended and not see my side, so I hold it in but that doesn't help either.

Basically i am prone to feeling not cared about and clinging still harder.

Wow, I see the issues and patterns of memory that are tied up with this experience. Withheld anger, feeling not cared about, needing people but not getting enough.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Qwerty, I can relate to this as I have a pen pal who never initiates an email. And he writes very little back to the ones I send. In three years we have said pretty much everything we are going to say; in times past he wrote much more. We debated many topics.

Sometimes I call him but he doesn't have much to say.

So I've decided to leave him alone for awhile.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Hi Poopy doll, thank you so much. Right now I am having some strong emotions of shame and this is helping me through. You have been so kind to reply to my posts. I feel awful because I have been writing a lot of people out of neediness and feel like I have not gotten enough support.

Some of the desperation i have felt before is lessened but I am reliving some old memories and processing them. In the meantime my cognition is a little numb. It's a little like I am drunk, i am talking without knowing how i am coming across.

Thank you so much for being here to help me through this!!!!!
 
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Pairou

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What if you take a little time away from emailing your friend? You end up with more to say, and a bit of perspective. You can also cool off a bit so you don't end up regretting anything you might say out of anger.
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Ok I may end up talking to you more then 😂 my urge to talk is insatiable sometimes, very impulsive.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Qwerty, I don't know if this is useful, but I use to chronically telephone people looking for whatever it is we are looking for. I had to stop it.

Also, I am sitting in the discomfort of anger and sadness and an urge to get my son to understand me by writing an epic novel letter and mailing it to France. That urge is very old. Feeling small and stupid is very old. He was here in the States and spoke to me in a domineering manner; invalidating my feelings and ideas.

So this is an opportunity, I am told, to stop the pattern of writing seeking desperately to be understood.
 
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qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Ok then we can write to each other, because I can go on and on and on. I was mentioning to pairou that I have a ton of shame. My psychiatrist is nice but the therapist makes it worse so i think i will try to drop the therapist with permission of the psychiatrist. I have been to way too many pompous ignorant mental health staff.

I am still having the numb and painful tingling feeling in my body from an old emotional wound, thank you for being here!!!

If you want you can write the letter to me. I don't see what is so bad about writing a letter but I am sure you understand yourself better.

Yes I have been talking and emailing too much. My father is a little OCD and my mother narcissistic and cannot handle emotion.

*tingling and numbness*
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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So extremely glad to have some people who relate to what i am doing. I am just so NEEDY. I email people 24 7 and while they say they don't mind it I think it is bad for me a little because I hang on their every word and don't do my work and i feel a little like with my parents in the sense that it is not a peer to peer relation but a superior inferior one...
 
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Pairou

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You can write to me any time!! :) I'll do my best to answer as soon as I see it!
 
qwerty1234

qwerty1234

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Hi Pairou, I am so glad. I will do better with at least some people who feel as I do, instead of just people who don't suffer from the same thing but are willing to listen. Then I feel like such a burden.
 
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