• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Friend committed suicide, three weeks ago

cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
A woman I know successfully committed suicide three weeks ago. I've been really not on my fragile rails for about that time and realised late last night that the reason I've fallen off my axis is because of her death.

Its not really about her, I know that. We werent that close. But its brought up my own very disturbing suicide attempts which happened just two years ago, while withdrawing from Citalopram. I know I live with it every day. My teeth are still braced from the seizure I had (broke my jaw - effects of the tablets). But I didnt imagine her suicide would bring so much up for me.

I've never known anyone kill themselves before. lenty who have tried. But none who actually did it. I know how hard it is. I dont know how I will ever get over it. I'm not as self aware of the scars as I was. I've really pushed myself.

Now I feel I am slipping back.

It was made worse by being prevented to go to her funeral by her ex husband, who took his anger and guilt out on me. I posted about this.

I havnt been into do my voluntary work since just after I heard about her death. I did for the first session. Then it hit me. But I am so out of touch with my feelings that its taken three weeks for me to realise what it is that has de-railed me.

I wish I could have gone to the funeral. It would have helped me get some closure and say goodbye.

Its also shocked me that I finally now know why my own sister and mother didnt speak to me for months when I was suicidal. I felt very rejected at the time, but in a way, I now understand a bit I think. I think? I dont know.

My own therapy is very demanding and I feel like I am being "peeled" at the moment. So I have few defences to deal with this. But still I am at home on my own having to try and deal with what comes up when it does come up.

And it hits me like a cosh when I finally "get it".

It totally knocks me over. Maybe now I know what it is this time I can get back up and stay up. I've felt like a skittle for the last three weeks.

Thanks for "listening". I just feel wretched. :cry2::cry2::cry2:
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Hi Cloud Berry

Sorry that you are going through this. I hope that things can work out soon.

My best friend died at school in a tragic motor bike accident - it devastated me. Then an older kid hung himself in the school; which also impacted me a lot. Over the years I have had quite a lot of friends die. It has never affected me in the same way as that those first deaths. I was with my grand mother when she died. I felt honoured to be present; & it was a peaceful & spiritual experience; I was not upset at all. Death is the great unknown, I think about my own death, & the deaths of people I know often; this is not in a morbid way; just accepting that death comes to us all at some stage. I very much think that when our time is up; then it's up; almost that these things are planned & for a reason.

It can be very hard to come to terms with the deaths of people. Do you have people that you can chat to about all this?
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
No I dont, but thanks for being here

I dont seem to have anyone I can talk to about this actually. For fairly obvious reasons - suicide is a taboo subject anyway, and especially for me because of what my history is with it. Families and friends just have to sweep it all away. I can understand that, now even more than ever before.
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Tried

I know what I need to do. I need to talk my way through, describe my feelings as I applied tourniquets to my arms and legs, how it felt to cut, how it felt to them be stitched up. But I have never been able to tell anyone. And everyone is so relieved that I dont tel! Of course they are! Who would want to hear that?

My friends suicide has regurgitated all this for me. I know its two years ago nearly for me, but in my life span that isnt very long. I'm still recovering. And if I had had house contents insurance I would have got new carpets. Walking over blood stains is pertinent. Getting undressed and trying to ignore the scars is also a constant job in hand.

But the point is, she did it. She suceeded. She is gone. I am still here. And she didnt call me for help. I would have understood. I'm crap with my own felings, but great with others.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
I dont seem to have anyone I can talk to about this actually. For fairly obvious reasons - suicide is a taboo subject anyway, and especially for me because of what my history is with it. Families and friends just have to sweep it all away. I can understand that, now even more than ever before.
I think that death itself is a very taboo subject in the West, in general.

I think our relationships with death in the West is very unhealthy. I try to chat with people about death. The whole practices of our culture around death; makes the subject one in which I think is treated in a very unhealthy & sanitised way.

I do understand the impact death can have. When my friend died at school it sent me into a kind of deep depression. It was a kind of catalyst that had a profound effect on my well being.

Personally I don't think death is anything to fear or to dread. I don't know if this will help - but I think of the people I have known who have died; as being in a better place; & simply having continued on a journey. I firmly believe that too. I feel that I have guidance from certain people who have died in my life. I do not think that death is the end; by any means. My cousin died some 6 years ago by hanging himself; & a close friend died of an overdose some 8 years ago; which I am not sure was intentional or not. Two years ago another friend of mine overdosed. I don't buy any of the religious ideas around suicide. I think these people are now in a much better place. If you wanna chat about these things - either on here; or via PM; then do, if it helps. I have to go out for the day, but I am about later.

I like this poem; you may know it. This was read at my Gran's funeral -

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
 
S

saffron

Guest
hi cloudberry
I remember your last post on the funeral, and assume you did not go by what you said, however, that is not to stop you going to the grave now and say goodbye.
as said before it certainly was not your fault that this happened, although some people might lash out and say so, but then they would as they were powerless to stop it themselves.
it has obviously opened up a lot of negative feelings. and talking does help, so we are always here for you to do that and some of us will be able to talk about deeper than others.
to other people it is a subject that is avoided through fear and misunderstanding.
one person I know, lovely guy but obviously has no idea about MH said that people who want to commit Suicide are the most selfish people around.
I can see his point but that does not help the person contemplating it, but who to talk to is another thing, people who have been through it? families of people who have gone through it?, or professionals there to help you not think about it? there will be many different views and advice.
but I think that you will be able to really let your feelings out here as there are people who have been associated with it one way or another.
Dont beat yourself up becasue your friend did not come to you for help, if she meant to do it she would not advertise the fact or feel that anyone would have either understood or gave a shit, of course that is not true but thoughts that go through the mind at the time do not normally include anyone else, I beleive it is self hatred and negative self focusing.
I do wish you all the luck and hope you feel that you can approach us for a talk.
take care
S
 
robbo

robbo

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 12, 2008
Messages
63
Location
glasgow
suicide

well,i dunno if its the easy way out,at 6pm christmas day I was up on the erskine bridge near glasgow and yes I was going to take that jump!,I was just kinda down,i phoned my young brother just for a chat,he wasnt in,I called my young niece,she wasnt in! I was gonna just jump and keep my eyes closed but i thought,what would my brother think,when the police went and told him I was dead,and my niece!! shes a nice kid only 20,she missed the call,they would feel bad,folks,I went home that night,had a few beers,Im still here,still kinda down but things can only get better!!!:)
 
S

saffron

Guest
HI robb
sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you do not mind me asking, but apart from what you have told us, what were your reasons for wanting to do do that?
I went through a breif episode of thinking that It would be easier to do this, but then I thought FOR who? only me, but then I thought about family and how they would feel, and felt there must be more to life than this, actually I think it was a cry for help. would not achieve anything by this and would only hurt people close to me. maybe ive never really got to the 'bottom', as people say, and that I should accept the fact that I am different and I do want other things, other than the norm and that noone but me can achieve this. then I started to think about how it would affect people if I did do what I want in life, not in death, and am focusing on that.
i admit now that:
i am not one that conforms
I am not one who can take unrealistic orders based on someone else's expectations.
I am a free spirit
I enjoy my own company
It is ok not to automatically trust
it is ok to believe that I am a good person (which Iknow I am)
It is ok to accept that people may not have the same views even though I am convinced I am right.
It is ok to havetime out
it is ok to disclose certain things about myself and not take it personally if they do not agree, that is their opinion which may not be the same as mine, but there are other with the same thoughts as mine, I just have not met them all yet.
it is okay to have the odd paddy and go outside and kickj something when I am frustrated or angry, its a release,
its ok to say no
its ok to accept some people will just not like me, the way I do not like some others,
its ok to strive to achieve a vocation in something you really enjoy even if it does not get you that ideal job, do it for yourself
its ok not to dwell on the past
its ok not to yearn for the future
its ok to live in the moment, you never know you might be dead tomorrow, then you will have missed out on taking one or two people who are special, you and a valued person (sibling, friend, mentor, etc etc) to somewher that you have always wanted to go, like mmm, well the devils gauseway, ireland, the lake district, the gower peninsular wales or the moors of devon or cornwall.. there is so much beauty out there.
its ok to show your feelings and not bottle things up in fear of hurting someone, at least give them the benefit of the doubt. I bet they have told you things in the past.

anyway Im blahing

too much rum

S
 
Last edited:
Wynn

Wynn

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2008
Messages
63
Wow!

That should be engraved on a wall somewhere, Saffron. Very well said!

When I was at my lowest, about a year ago, and thinking I could not go on any more, the thing that turned me around was going to a dedication ceremony for someone. It was a tree planting - I didn't know the man (he had died a couple of years before, from cancer), but knew his kids, and whilst watching the youngest bravely shovelling the earth around the tree's roots, and listening to the oldest read a poem out for his dad, I was thinking how much that man would've fought just to spend a few more days with his family. There was I contemplating leaving mine. It made me really take stock and think about how the people left behind feel. Gave me the courage to try to get better. There really is light at the end of the tunnel.

One of my best friends has recently died (not suicide, but still too short a life). It was extremely painful to begin with, but it is beginning to get easier. I think it takes a long time for the sadness and confusion to go, and natural to have regrets about not seeing them or talking to them often enough. My friend did not feel able to tell me exactly how ill she was - and I'm beginning to understand that it was her way of dealing with it. A personal thing for her.
Just hang on in there - even the sad times pass eventually, and the sun returns.
 
J

john2054

Guest
Hi Apotheosis, that was a special poem,

and cloudberry, I don't know if it will make you feel any better but a couple of years ago I lost my best friend.

Nick was about ten years older then me (and I'm twenty eight), one day I went to a meeting in London with my dad and the next I came back and he was gone.

I've moved on, but I still remember the good times we spent together, little moments like going to the cinema and putting the world's problems to right.

I don't know if this will help at all, just remember your not alone.
John
 
Top