Frequent idealization and devaluation

[Alooftech]

What makes you or them do this? Anyone with actual experience on the matter help this newb out. I just wanna live and learn and maybe watch my back.

I appreciate it!

 

[Blackwolf]

In my case in depends on how I feel or "view life" at this very moment. There can be few days that I will see my gf as perfect and then without a reason I will notice only flaws. I hate it tbh and I do my very best not to show it. When it happens I try to think why I love her and why I appreciate her so much and then it is easier at least for me not show devaluation and maybe even weaken it.

 

[Gingerpenguin]

It’s a pretty wild experience, my wife is understanding to my condition, but thoughts hit me like tidal waves she goes to the best person in my life to the worst and all she’s probably done is say something I don’t want to hear. It’s the same with life situations, it goes from life is great to I wanna end it.
Best thing I can suggest is keep a mood diary for your good and bad days/thoughts/ situations then just keep reflecting on what works for you and tell people so they know and so that avoids your triggers of love and hate.

 

[Alooftech]

It's very important that I recognize the traits and reasoning. Not pleased with the thought of someone making their way into my life, and then trying to choke me senseless because I didn't reply back in a few days. So unsafe.

 

[WhySoSerious]

Its what we would call a dialectical problem. We often cannot tolerate the fact other people are fallible, that they are human and make mistakes and screw up. Nothing is either all good or all bad but when we are feeling intensely emotional we can swing from one point of view to another.

From my experience this is massively damaging and I have lost multiple relationships over it in the past. Why? Because people simply won't tolerate my bullshit! If they feel the need to tread on eggshells in case they upset me, eventually they will go elsewhere for relationships because its too much stress and aggravation. For example, I would fall in love instantly when meeting someone I believed was "the one". This was a frequent occurrence. Sadly the moment they did something that I felt was a slight my critical nature would surface and they would be to blame for everything. Then they would go to leave and I would blame them for leaving - "how dare you!? Just like everyone else. Go on...walk away". And inevitably they did.

The key really is acknowledging - accepting - that people will often do things wrong and that we can either accept it and begin to deal with the emotions or they will likely eventually walk away. I have NO anger toward anyone I've dated for walking away, it made complete sense why they would. Most people don't want or need a drama filled relationship or friendship. The average person can only tolerate so much before they burn out and give up and I understand that.

 

[WhySoSerious]

It's very important that I recognize the traits and reasoning. Not pleased with the thought of someone making their way into my life, and then trying to choke me senseless because I didn't reply back in a few days. So unsafe.

I think we need to differentiate between "normal" relationships and abusive ones. I have absolutely no problem demonising people who abuse me or others but that is NOT the norm. Most people are trying their best and it often doesn't meet my standards of what I expect. Though over time that has certainly softened to the point I am fairly cool with relationships and friendships now. It took a huge effort.

I can also see why people may stay with an abusive person but only when the relationship is wrapped up in housing, money etc. It is easy to say walk away but when people rely on others for their survival that isn't that easy.