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Forever Boredom

T

TechSloth

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2015
Messages
5
Hi there new to the forum, and I apologise profusely for anyone subjected to read my story for the word salad that's about to ensue.

I finally plucked up the courage to post something relative to my mental health. I will start with a bit of background about myself. I am a 25 year old male, suffering from depression and other mental health problems including stress related psychotic symptoms.

I was originally diagnosed with depression and anxiety following my fathers death in 2009. At that time I was put on a small dose of antidepressants (citalopram and diazepam for anxiety). At this time I was studying Multimedia at college and was having panic attacks, but the college I attended didn't have the kind of support for me at that time so I had to leave the course. After leaving college I was advised by my doctor to become an in patient at a mental health hospital as my depression symptoms were pretty severe. Spend around 1 week there, discharged and no improvement

I went back to college in 2013 and was a student up until mid november 2014 where I had a major psychotic paranoid breakdown. I thought people could see into my thoughts and tell what I was thinking from my body language. I left college at this time for the second time as I developed a fear of recurring episodes. Upon Leaving college I also experienced various other psychotic "glitches" like the world was going to end and the country was breaking up into several islands and that people were trying to stay indoor to save themselves from the impending inevitable death from pollution. Very scary delusions. I spoke to a doctor and again another stay at the mental hospital. This time I was sectioned under the mental health act for 28 days as I was seen as a threat to myself as I was feeling suicidal. As of now I am on anti psychotic medication for my delusions but no antidepressants.


The situation now is that I currently live with my mother in our family home (where me and my father had lived, and my mother claimed the house following my dads death). I get along just fine with my mother but not particularly close or have an AMAZING relationship or anything, not that I had one with my father. I have very few friends which I spend time playing video games the occasional shopping trip in town for bits and pieces.

I feel worthless, useless and cant cope with stresses of becoming an independent self sufficient member of society. I have no job, no people skills (I feel I can even keep a conversation going past "Hi how are you" before the awkward silence). I fear of leaving the house and dread the thought of bumping into someone who has witnessed my breakdown or just people in general. I have very poor life skills also, and feel like I am stuck in limbo with no options in life, having dropped out of college several times for mental health problems despite being rather intelligent (at least I think so).

The best part of all this, nothing I seem to try works to improve my moods. I tried walking and other exercise, spending more time around friends for moral support and comfort, spending time with family. I constantly feel like this "waste of space burden" that isn't wanted or needed anywhere and cant seem to keep myself from retreating back into my comfort zone and falling into bad habits.

I am going to be seeing a community psychiatric team in the coming weeks and an occupational therapist for help with work related activities, but I keep thinking "whats the point? Nothing will "CURE" ME". I just cant see a positive way forward atm. Is there anyone else that feels this way? Does the psychiatric system work?

Thanks to anyone who reads my rambled story, but I have suffered in silence for too long and needed an outlet.
 
angry butterfly

angry butterfly

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 5, 2011
Messages
2,595
Location
surrey
hi TeckSloth, welcome to the forum.:welcome:
 
C

Christobel

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 6, 2014
Messages
1,075
Location
South west
Hi and welcome to the forum! I can identify with a lot that you are writing about. I was diagnosed with major depression with psychotic features about ten years ago. I suppose I was more fortunate than you, in that my illness came towards the end of my working life. I was on antipsychotics and antidepressants for several years. I am now taking Lithium 800 mg, which has been very effective for me.
 
SarahD

SarahD

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Joined
Oct 21, 2014
Messages
2,095
Location
UK
Hi TechSloth, I really sympathise. I have a long history with depression,and other symptoms, but first came to mental health services a few years ago and was diagnosed at that time with psychotic depression. Have been in hospital a few times, diagnosis ended up as schizoaffective disorder, but depression is still my worst symptom and it is still there.

I have tried all sorts of drugs. I think if you are having no improvement it is worth trying mood stabilisers, and/or other antidepressants. Some antipsychotics are supposed to have an antidepressant effect but never worked for me. (If you are desperate enough there is ECT...)

It is worth keeping as active as you can and doing whatever activities are recommended by the mental health team and OT because keeping involved in life even in a small way is at least as effective as the drugs. The support from a care coordinator has been the only thing helping me keep going this last year.

Even severe depression fluctuates and you have to take advantage of those very slight "ups" to do whatever you can. For many people it gets better eventually even without treatment. You ask if the psychiatric system helps? It helps some people.

I wish you well.
 
T

TechSloth

Member
Joined
Feb 22, 2015
Messages
5
Thanks for all the positively aimed responses, especially SarahD. It is easier to tackle my own illness with someone who can sympathize the situation. Nice to know there are positively aimed people on this forum. Feeling motivated, we can tackle these problems with BRUTE FORCE LETS DO THIS.
 
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