
feather423
New member
I always feel like my addiction isn't as tragic as drug addictions. But the truth is...my addiction to food is killing me. I can't tell if I'm addicted to food itself or if I'm addicted to eating. or how it feels when I'm eating.
I've had an eating disorder since I was 13. I am 38 now, and I can only in the last few years admit to myself that It IS an addiction. Ican't stop. I find myself in a constant battle in my own head all day long. and if I am in a situation where I am tempted.... I get physically affected. Like, at a church group where they have desserts spread out on a table. I have decided that I will not eat a dessert, but I can see them, smell them. watching everyone else eat them... I start bouncing my knee, biting my nails. I can't focus on anything else.
I eat more when I am alone. I find myself hurrying up and eating when my husband or kids aren't around. Like I don't want anyone to see me eat like that.
I am a diabetic and currently in kedoacidosis. So I am quite literally killing myself slowly. I know what it will take to help myself. It isn't that I don't know what to do. I know I have to count carbs and warch what I eat. I know I have to exercise regularly. I have done all of that before. I have buckled down and made it happen. Lost 60 lbs. got taken off all meds. Then I fall back. This time so far that I don't think I can save myself because something in my brain won't let me.
......Why Can't I stop!!???? I eat and cry! I eat until I am physically sick! I hate myself for it. But why can't I stop?????
I've had an eating disorder since I was 13. I am 38 now, and I can only in the last few years admit to myself that It IS an addiction. Ican't stop. I find myself in a constant battle in my own head all day long. and if I am in a situation where I am tempted.... I get physically affected. Like, at a church group where they have desserts spread out on a table. I have decided that I will not eat a dessert, but I can see them, smell them. watching everyone else eat them... I start bouncing my knee, biting my nails. I can't focus on anything else.
I eat more when I am alone. I find myself hurrying up and eating when my husband or kids aren't around. Like I don't want anyone to see me eat like that.
I am a diabetic and currently in kedoacidosis. So I am quite literally killing myself slowly. I know what it will take to help myself. It isn't that I don't know what to do. I know I have to count carbs and warch what I eat. I know I have to exercise regularly. I have done all of that before. I have buckled down and made it happen. Lost 60 lbs. got taken off all meds. Then I fall back. This time so far that I don't think I can save myself because something in my brain won't let me.
......Why Can't I stop!!???? I eat and cry! I eat until I am physically sick! I hate myself for it. But why can't I stop?????