Fog

[doopiedoo]

I've just found your forum and thought I'd give it a go. I'm 27 year old female who has been struggling with depression for about a year - at times I've felt like I'm loosing the plot and the men in whites coats will be out to get me soon I suffer with bdd and I also have a major inferioty complex, I've lost all of my confidence and things that used to come easily to me now seem so complicated and out of reach. I can't even confidently ask for something in a shop anymore - I stutter and jumble my words. I'm only just managing to hold down a job - it's a job that I've only had for 3 months and I know that I could be doing it soooooo much better than I am, I'm just so scared or fucking up it sends me into states of panic where I'm blinded by fear. I feel like I'm looking through fog all of the time, I'm always aching and I feel like I've lost myself. I also think that everyone thinks I'm really weird - this isn't imagined, they do, I've acted pretty strangley of late and I'm so painfully shy - someone told me I come across as being really stuck up and like a total cow - not how I feel at all! Anyones input, shared experiences, tales of recovery etc, etc, anything! is so welcome. Thanks

 

[trombone_babe]

Hi and to the forum. I've suffered from depression on and off for at least 9 years, and most of the time it's kept well under control with anti-depressants. Have you been to the doctor at all with this? When I was first ill I was terrified that if I went to the doctor they would put me in hospital and take away my children, that sort of thing, but of course they didn't. My GP has been an absolute godsend over the years, and while I know that not all GPs are as brilliant, I would certainly suggest you give it a go.

I know what you mean about not being able to do things any more and losing confidence, I'm just the same. And I'm sure no-one is going to think you're weird here. If you've been acting strangely I'm sure it's because you're not well and we've all been through that to varying degrees on here.

 

[rollinat]

Hi and - glad you found it and I hope you will find it a friendly and supportive place to be. Have you talked to your GP about it? I was like trombone_babe, thinking that saying how I felt would backfire on me, but I have received some very good care.

I feel that loss of confidence is one of the worst bits of depression - even in recovery I still doubt my ability to do very much - but I think that taking things slowly and doing soothing things for yourself can help.

Hope to see you around. Take care.

 

[doopiedoo]

Thank you

Hi Trombone Babe and Rollinat,

I really appreciate you both coming back to me, thank you.

I have been to my doctors and I've tried a few different types of antidepressant - I had an extreme allergic reaction to the first one which has unfortunately made me extremely weary of trying others. I tried another one and just felt wired and the last one I tried I stopped taking after two days as I'm so aware of how bad it feels when they go wrong - I was v scared. I've since started taking seratone tablets which I have used in the past with great sucess - my doctor has agreed that it's ok for me to take them. Slowly but surely I'm starting to feel a tiny bit better - I get very scared that I'm always going to be like this and some days it's so hard to see past the 'fog'. That's the thing that is getting me the most, my whole outlook is effected. I've decided to talk to my hr manager at work as I've been working full time during all of this and I've only taken 1 day off due to it - I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok, there is such stigma attached to mental illness - if someone has a broken leg then thye are ill but if you are depressed you are told to pull yourself together - arrrrgggh, if only people understood! Thanks again for your input, it's so refreshing to speak to people who understand and not to have to pretend to be ok!

 

[rollinat]

I'm sorry to hear you've had a bad reaction to ADs - but it's good that you feel the seratone has helped in the past, and that your doctor knows you're taking it.

Well done for keeping working but it is incredibly exhausting keeping up the act all day isn't it? Although I only worked part-time, I stopped work last January as I was just getting through less and less of the week. I was self-employed so didn't have to discuss it with anyone, but did have to let all my clients know which wasn't easy. I hope you get on well with your HR manager. I did tell people if they asked why I was off, and got support from some unexpected places.

Let us know how you get on and take care.

 

[doopiedoo]

Hi Rolinat,

Hope you're well? I'm happy to report that the seratone is starting to work - I'm slowly getting back to my former self and I have more confidence because I'm more in tune with what is going on around me

I spoke to my hr manager at work and she was amazing - she's going to let my bosses know the score and that I feel that I am not performing as well as i'm capable of and it will only be brought up at my review if I bring it up.

I've decided that as I get better I'm clearly going to appear quite different to people and if anyone asks me why that is, I will tell them that I've been unwell. If anyone wants to be small minded, stereotype etc then that's up to them! They wouldn't do that to somone with a broken leg, would they?!

Thanks again for your support, it really helped me through in a time where I thought I'd never get out of my rut.