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Flashbacks. More of a rant. Trigger for Abuse/Molest/Sexual Abuse.

S

Sarey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Messages
135
Triggering for abuse.


Flashbacks
of my cousin telling me to go into an empty room, & he pulled his pants down, & he told me to touch it, & I did, & he kept wanting to touch mine, & he did, & whenever he said let's go now, he wants to do it now, I'd get scared & I'd get anxious & I didn't want to go, I knew it was wrong & I wanted someone to make it stop, so we couldn't do it anymore, I hated it.
I remember his Dad catching us, he slapped me.
I remember everyone thinking it was my fault, everyone thinking what a dirty whore I was.


Flashbacks of my step brother sitting on me & pulling his pants down & sitting on my face & stopping me from going anywhere & holding me there as I tried to move away.

Flashbacks of my mother telling me she wishes I was in care, & that it's my fault, & that she wishes she never had me, & that I'm a mistake, & getting arrested & her threatening the police, I remember feeling scared, vulnerable, alone.
I remember C not even caring & laughing as I tried to put the blanket over her & told her to help me, she didn't.
I remember wanting it all to stop.
Just wanting a sober, loving, caring mother.
Just wanting her to pick me instead of the drink for once.

Flashbacks of the music.
I knew that she'd be drunk if she turned on that song.
I'd walk in & she'd be dancing & drinking & slurring her speech, I'd get scared & I'd go back to my room & wait for the music to stop & for her to go to bed.

Flashbacks of her screaming & hardly conscious.
I had to call an ambulance & my Grandad.
I had to take care of her.
I had to always take care of her.
Even if she hurt me.
I'd still have to.
Not her take care of me.

Flashbacks of her running after me & smacking me with a wooden spoon.
It broke on my back.
I'd be so scared of her.
I'd be so fucking scared.
I'd beg her to not do it, but it didn't matter, she did.

Flashbacks of that boy, DE, he said he was going to get rope to tie me up in the woods.
He and that other boy would get me on this old matrice & they'd kiss me, touch me...
I hated it.

Flashbacks, fucking flashbacks, all these memories, so many are broken up, blurred, cracked, some are goddamn crystal clear.

I hate it.

I want to fade away.
I hate this head, mind, body & place.

Thanks for reading.
I'd appreciate a safe hug if it's alright.
:unsure:
 
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inthemiddle

inthemiddle

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Founding Member
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Apr 9, 2008
Messages
15
Hey sarey, that is alot for you to cope with. How often do you have these flashbacks?

Please dont take all your pills, you know it wont help in the long run.

Heres that hug you wanted :hug: Take care honey xxxxx
 
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S

Sarey

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Messages
135
Thank you hun.

I have a lot of these flashbacks, everyday, the memories are overwhelming, & they turn into flashbacks, I just stare into space & I visualize it all over again.

I took some pills, felt very ill after it, but oh well.

I'm tempted to do it again, but I'm fighting it.

Thank you for the hug.
*hugs you back, safely*
 
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inthemiddle

inthemiddle

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Is there anything you can distract yourself with hun? Overdosing is very dangerous, please be very careful, i would maybe get yourself checked out after taking the pills. Can you talk to anyone about these urges right now?
 
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S

Sarey

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Mar 6, 2010
Messages
135
FYI, It isn't harmful methods I'm discussing here, it is called a DRUG ADDICTION.
I haven't overdosed at all.

I've taken more pills, and I'm just lying here, wanting to cry.

It's not lethal.
I can't get checked out.
 
inthemiddle

inthemiddle

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Founding Member
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Apr 9, 2008
Messages
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im sorry i didnt mean to upset you in any way.

take care x
 
S

Sarey

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Joined
Mar 6, 2010
Messages
135
No, not you, it's at the edits.

You haven't.

I just get a bit upset when people tell me to get checked out, I can't get checked out.
 
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