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First time reaching out. Advice needed

I

InsertNameHere

New member
Joined
Apr 3, 2021
Messages
1
Location
North Carolina
Okay. Phew. This is a long one and it’s my first time on here. This is my story. As to whether this all truly is all OCD or not I honestly do not know and all I want is to just get better cause I’m sick of waking up everyday not able to be able to feel like I’m living. When I was a kid, I always did weird shit. I don’t mean that in a totally negative way or anything. My thinking was really just black and white, basic, I liked everything in a system. I liked everything to be seen through and experienced perfectly. If I read a book, played a video game, or watched a movie, I had to make sure I was viewing it right. I had to be in the right mindset, I had to hear and understand each word. I had to do everything 100 percent in a game. It was just the way I did things. I never noticed any anxiety with it but it got worse when I would inevitably fail. It escalated to having this thing where I would wanna restart my life perfectly and do everything right. I wanted to be the absolute best I could be. I got bad in middle school. I got obsessed with the concept of morality. Like I couldn’t think or do anything. I couldn’t eat chicken or meat without obsessing over is it right to eat animals? Are we good people? Etc. it got worse and worse. Everyday almost I kept resetting and resetting. I had this mental ritual where everyday at exactly 6:00 pm I would try to perfectly restart my life and delete all my social media, video game files, and try to do it all over again just perfectly and to where it felt just “right” and epic. This was my life All throughout elementary and middle school. It sucked. I never got to truly get that perfect start and because of that I never got to just live in those moments and feel as though I was living. It wasn’t all bad however. There was so many amazing things and the friends I had I’ll never forget. When high school came, I began to try and get it together. I learned briefly what ocd was and by then I had already come to terms in my head that okay I’m just really different. I wasn’t anxious about it. I was a little worried yeah but when I heard what it was I told my friend and he said yeah that sounds like ocd. This is where the story is going to go for a full 180 so bear with me. In 2016 I was in high school and I was in this really manipulative relationship. I was honestly really messed up obsessing whether or not I could trust her when I learned and saw she had lied and used to me and had a big time victim personality. I’ll spare the details but one night I felt so terrible that the next day I woke up and I couldn’t feel anything. Not happy or sad or anything and I started obsessing about it. I couldn’t tell whether I was making myself think I was or not. I definitely “felt” like I was. But after that for a full year it was an utter and absolutely terrifying life for me. My obsessions got terrifying. I was having intrusive thoughts that I was a danger to people, that I was gonna snap and at any moment I could harm or hurt someone, I had intrusive sexual thoughts of the people that I loved and cared about, I was scared I was gay( my attraction for girls was super strong all throughout middle and high school until that incident and I never felt attracted to anyone. Just nothingness. I had nothing at all against being gay. I just did not want to lose how much I loved girls. It just wasn’t me or what I identify as as heterosexual.) My junior year I got put on Prozac and in 3 months of summer I felt so much better. The thoughts left. I wasn’t 100 percent cured but it was easier. I later was taken off of it and for a year or so I was fine. Flash forward to 6 months ago. It’s gotten so much worse. First all the terrifying intrusive thoughts from then returned and it was really hard but I pulled through. Now is here where I’m at now and this is where I have no idea how to move forward. My obsession with perfect starts and just living my life to the best of my ability is eating me alive. All I want to do is always make the right choice but I dont know if this is all me. Am I truly trying to be a good person or is it just cause my ocd is forcing me to? Am I going to be the same person after treatment? I really really hope I aim to do great things and be selfless and help others. I really do. Lately I had a massive anxiety spike a few days ago. I was playing the original donkey Kong on switch. A super very BASIC GAME right? I couldn’t do it. I have this thing where in my mind I can’t get the full experience out of a game unless I play the absolute first game in the series that came first with that feeling of “okay I did this perfect the way it should be”, I also have to know everything about its development cycle and I need to 100 percent the game. Donkey Kong is a super simple game but in my head I said okay I need to jump over 5 barrels on this first floor then 5 on the second then 5 on the third and I have to get all the items and I have to play it like I’m really in the game and it’s real life and I have to make the right choice and - you see why I’m really really freaking out right? You’re probably reading this and thinking Jesus this kid needs some serious help. I’ve “always” been like this and I’m sick of it. I want to stop being obsessed with starting on perfect days. January 1st. In my head last year I said okay 1/1/2021 sound so perfect and feels right to start fresh. When I was in middle school I was set in my head that I had to learn everything. I would obsessively read and restart taking notes in textbooks from school if I didn’t feel I was learning and taking in everything “right”. Honestly, as I’m writing this, I feel kinda anxious in my chest. It’s like my anxiety is throwing up all over this electronic keypad. Neat huh? Basically I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m like this. I just deeply deeply inside just want to be a good man with a good heart, not make the same mistakes as my parents, and go after my dreams and have friends and family behind my back but I can’t do any of that because I can’t tell what or who I am or want cause it’s all just obsessively doing things in a order and having that feeling of “perfect”. How do I combat this and how can I start practicing exposure techniques? Thank you and sorry if any one is reading this and not comprehending Any of it. Also if anyone has any advice how to combat this if it is in fact OCD, that would be VERY APPRECIATED
 
S

sadgirl

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2012
Messages
2,079
Location
in my own private hell
Have you spoken with your gp he /she will be able to help you with medication and or talking therapy we here are unable to diagnose
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,158
I think if it were me I would stop obsessing, appreciate all the things we take for granted, and just make the most of the opportunities presented on any given day. Learn from mistakes, and most importantly enjoy life and learn that it's not always about being perfect... Perhaps re-define what your priorities are. Hope this helps :)
 
E

Empish

Member
Joined
Apr 7, 2021
Messages
21
Location
Uk
I don't have much experience of ocd but it sounds like you need to speak to a councillor or therapist about this need to be perfect. It definitely sounds like the root cause of your anxiety. In the meantime you could try some very simple meditation, mindfulness or yoga (specifically for anxiety). There are loads of youtube videos to help people. Do get help though as it might develop into a panic disorder or something. Also, essential oils such as lavender, orange and sandalwood are supposed to be good for obsessiveness. Learn how to use them properly though. The easiest method for you would probably be to use them in a bath. Try 10 drops of lavender to start off with and see how that goes. If you are financially sorted you could see an aromatherapist (no it's not just about smell, they use the essential oils in a massage). Good luck
 
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