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First time needing assistence (that being said, it is a lot of help needed)

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googly moogly

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Aug 13, 2008
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3
First time needing assistence (that being said, it is a lot of help needed)

hi
I have never done anything like this before so I hope I do apologise for the rambling nature of the following

here is my story

I came home tonight feeling like crawling into a foetal position and crying myself to sleep, and maybe if i was lucky out of existence. This is highly unusual for me. I dont cry except in cases of tragedy and tonight is certaintly not one of those. I dont wish to kill myself, nor do i want for anyone to nor anything else to happen. I dont feel partiularily depressed and nothing to particularily hideous occured. Why my feelings then? that is the heart of a very long tale, and a not too happy one.

I say this because I don't expect anyone to read this (Mainly for catharctic purposes im writing this in he first place – additionally there is a 'what is the worst thing that can happpen'). I would be lying if i said i didnt want them to however. Thus i feel the need to include a disclaimer. I wish to warn anyone from reading too far ahead if you want a heart-warming or happy tale, look elsewhere. I will try to write this as impassionately as possible, to display the facts as they were. Also, this backstory is all related but I do apologise for its extraordinary length

During high school I was a lucky person. I lived in a very beautiful country area. I was a sports player who gained national representation in two junior teams (different sports) and was extremely successful. My parents, friends, other family, etc lived without illness or major problems. I managed to find and meet the stereotypical sweetheart, a girl i truly and deeply loved and who felt the same, with finishing with a few academic awards. I also got into the degree i wanted, as did she (allbeit on different countries and continents). Two weeks before we departed to our vastly different careers, i asked her to marry me, and she said yes. We arranged a date and over the next couple of years stayed close or so i thought. Through my second year into my degree, I found out she had cheated on me with various guys, falling in love with one of them. For me, that betrayel of trust hit very deeply and after a discussion we severed all contact with each other.

This was october of 2005, and i managed to get through due to the fantastic support of four friends. It was tough, but I was back on my feet in a matter of weeks, allthough I wasnt ready to date for 2 years.

This period accompanied working in market research – a soul destroying occupation for me - I did not have the ability to cope with the consistent negative opinion with yelling due to bothering people at home – not with the hurt of losing my best friend (my ex-fiance) and very strong moral support. I didn't feel right about it and the fact it was not a steady income (going for a month without work sometimes) complicated matters – being poor, hungry (living on less then 20 dollars a week) made home life with my sole roommate – my twin brother (who was living on same job and facing the same trials and tribulations) extremely tough – often resulting in biting, hurtful and personal remarks. This created a lot of animosity between the two of us. This was hurting us both deeply, more then either of us was willing to admit at the time, but we were each others only support and were the only people each other trust enough to be honest with. We had a special bond that was being shattered by a n unortunate life experience coupled with the pressures of study. This occurred for a number of months. In december i got my relief, i began work in a liquor retail shop. I had also forged family-mimicing friendships with a few of the people in my degree. Sadly for my brother, he was still in market research and had not been as lucky.

Fast forward to Feb 8th 2006 and I came home after a long day and got into an argument with my brother. he too suffered a massive issue with a newfound and too short 'love', - his life had also fallen apart personally and professionally, etc and to cut a long story short after some heated words on his part, i ended up in hospital with a knife stabbed into my back. It was a brain snap on his part – he has never previously intended harm to an individual and i've seen no indications since. I ended up having emergency surgery to correct tissue damage relating to the fact the knife nicked a kidney on its way to deviating from my spine. I needed surgery and felt most of the proceedure due to the fact the dr's felt i could cope with it (despite the fact i was a victim, the police found it soo nescissary to talk to me i was not allowed a general anaeshetic - but i literally wished for death during the experience). Following, I spent a bit of time in recovery and have serious neuropathic pain ever since, with random extremey painfull spasms (it doesn't respond to treatment or medication and has effectively stopped any competitive complications).

I also have had nightmares since that wake me up every night (in addition to back pain waking me up). I dont remember the last time i have gotten a good night sleep. I do not know why but i have not actively looked for any real help to deal with either issue, until writing this now – i guess my life was soo busy that i had to try to continue in any way I can, any weakness proving easy fodder. I guess I believed that any excuse was going to take me out of activity for an indefinite time (a scary thought, all in all – i'm too young to be crippled/cruelled with despair, injury or anything like that). Once again, I relied on the support of my friends to get through and they assisted me greatly.

Two months later i was diagnosed with a type of skin cancer relating to my repair tissue having out of control growth, so i was commenced on treatment for this. 3 months later i was in remission, but the drugs wreaked havoc with my body. I will not go into more detail, because I simply don't wish to discuss. Suffice to say for the second period in my life I realised there were things worse then death. This time it was more problematic to rely on the support of most of my family-like friends to get through. They assisted me as well as they could – but it was well outside of there realm of experience and because they seemed to be suffering watching me i chose to lean on them only a small amount. I had begun to care for them more then myself so this seemed the natural thing to protect them from pain – mine was going to be felt regardless, but if they could be spared maybe i wasn' doing a too horrible job in my endeavour to cope, to be strong. I was still suffering the nightmares and due to the circumstances described below, went into a period of numbness where nothing in the outside world seemed to affect me. I felt not pain nor happiness, i went into an emotional stasis. I guess this is hard to describe, but im sure anyone who's felt i knows the state. It went for months.
 
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googly moogly

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Joined
Aug 13, 2008
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3
After a few months of this I turned instead and found a single miracle of a person to confide in. A friend who had bipolar depression and who i could wallow with, feel pain with. We helped each other through an awful period in each others lives and were far greater for the experience. I started feeling again and the world begun to make a little more sense. He was feeling a lot better too, and was putting his shattered life back together.
The final catalyst for complete numbness included a very tough period in that my closest and most trusted friend – the one i turned to as i described above - overdosed on anti-depressive medications, unintentionally – it was a 'clerical' error, and passed away. Being a coffin bearer made for the hardest things i have ever had to deal with. I know I loved him more the I actually loved myself. His loss was akin to losing part of myself. This time i had the support of each of my 4 med friends as they helped me from turning into a basket case

Despite my lifes difficulty, I allowed me to do my best in one area: study. My confidence in thi was still ever high, rock hard, unmovable. I succeeded despite very little study (i didn't feel like it, enough extra going on in my life and working 20 hour weeks – 2x 30 minute train rides my one and only study respite, in between classes) stubbornly, I decided to continue my studies, which also included an extra-tough stress of the entry exam for post graduate medicine (which i did and got an extremely high mark) and my uni marks suffered slightly but still were very high. I managed to achieve my goal and got into one of the toughest courses. If it makes the timeline seem much easier, the GAMSAT (the test) was right after i got out of hospital when stabbed, and the interview was 3 weeks after my best friends funeral.

Essentially at this point everything in my life had been turned on its head. I was surviving but only just. The goal of medicine kept focus in my life o prevent everything from imploding.

Sadly at the end of the year i graduated and left my remaining friends, who all went on to do medicine at other universities. It was a great celebration for their many and wonderfull abilities, but for me (and i feel guilty for the sefishness of the next remark, but I felt incredibly sad to lose the only rock and support i had left.

I eventually moved out from my friends, with them going to various australian cities and I knowing no-one well enough to burden them wih my problems, left to find a place by myself. I guess i did not want to make friends, so in essence the year of 2007 went by very fast and very alone. I started my med degree and hid all my problems by a massive ruse as a 'gunner' - someone who wanted to succeed through everything and being a non-caring, selfish human being, only out for myself. This worked in gaining no support/friendly relationships.

I started feeling things again midway through the year, associated with the fact it was confirmed i was in cancer remission for a year. This included a massive backlash for this gunner personality. despite the fact it was a facade created by me, it still hurt the perceptions i got relating to this, for it was no an adequate representation of character. Hell, i volunteer a great deal of mine and I really dont picture myself as a particularily selfish indiviual. Why i created the facade i dont even know - i guess i considered it to be a form of perception. For various reasons, however, despite the pain i still kept myself very closed off and mostly quite private. I didn't get close to anyone for fear of it adding to pain, so lived a very closed off existance. For this reason i have made few acquaintences and didn't really think much of it at the time.

The career i've chosen is brutal as your confidence is constantly undermined and this has had the unusual influence on me. 2007 i kept my steeling resolve, until i came into cotact in my final 'semester' of last year with a person i shall refer to as 'dr mumbles'. He made my life miserable, as with the other two guys in our group (we hae 6 people groups and the girls are very attractive). I had an unimportnt exam with him at the end of the year and he brutallised me in it, despite the fact that i did everything right. It stung. I had not experienced such blatant disrespect in an area i knew i have done no wrong in. I tried putting it out of my head, however ever since that moment i have been doubting myself in a way i never have, and I cannot account for it. it gotten worse o the situation i am in now where previously certain things are only maybes and i cannot convince people of anything I am saying. It has turned into a big, obvious problem affecting my perfomrance in all aspects of life – I am even having difficuly getting the right words out of my mouth at times.

Due to the experiences i have described above i have nothing to spring back with, to counteract the constant undermining. I feel that I am affected to the extent that i am a shell. I have lost confidence in myself, where my brain and experiences used to be the only area of my life that i had confidence in, my rock. I am typing this because i have nobody to talk to about this (which i firmly understand is my fault for being so closed of) and this is only fuelling my desire to crawl into the foetal position. The compete loss of confidence in academic life has highlighted in a transparent fashion the shattered aspects all other parts in my life and now simply asking for anythings comes from a small voice within me - I don't have it in me to stand up for what I believe and I'm too submissive in almost all aspects of my life.

Essentially every aspect of my life, whether it is personal, professional, health, finanical, etc has been rocked to its core over the last two years, most of it not recovered or even recovering - minor regeneration at best. I feel like i'm just waiting for the next round of metaphorical bushfires to come through and want to take bets on whats going to be afflicted next – at least then it will be something productive. Whilst I can safely say that I have dealt with many issue successfully and succeeded when all indications said not to, it has taken a massive toll, and that does not include the many things im not comping with – to sum, I am on a very precarious thing here, my life is hanging by a thread.

so back to today: I have major exams in 9 weeks for a degree that many people would kill to enter but is brutal, I work now teaching at my former university to assist pay the bills, but now I have an inability to talk to people, feel constantly inadequate and lack any support (the only skills, apart from knowledge, needed for my job, so my performance here is suffering. the confidence I used to have has well and truly dissipated. I live alone and have no possibilites to alter this.

Essentially I have lost all my close friendships through no fault of anyones, which seems a lot more unfair (and i am not being pathetic or understating the fact here), lost all confidence in all aspects of my life and am suffering severely accordingly.

I would give everything I have to be a confident being (and happier) with respect for myself back and to not hurt this much, to not suffer, to not have nightmares. I would appreciate any ideas in trying to deal with this, and can understand if there are none forthcoming.

edit: the length is very long. I do apologise for that
 
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Dollit

Guest
Long post but very well worth reading - and answers the reason for the behaviour you describe in your first paragraph.

My consultant is always (and I really do mean always) telling me just because you resolve thing intellectually doesn't mean you resolve them emotionally or, as he sometimes puts it, your head's got the idea but your heart needs to catch up.

You were betrayed by the girl that you saw your whole life with. You were betrayed by your brother, your twin brother, in a way that has resulted with continuing medical problems. Dr Mumbles was an ass and is probably an ass with a lot of people.

You've made a tough career choice and that's telling on you.

You're feeling friendless and alone - and this is far more common than you would believe - and you can't see the way to help yourself.

Me - I'd start with thinking how glad I was to survive all I have and get this far. That is real achievement. Then I do an exercise that my consultant has me do and it really pisses me off because it sounds trite but is actually quite profound and damnmit he's usually proved right - count your blessings and it can't be anything you own or money. I start off with my cats and the fact that when I open my front door on a morning I have I wonderful view to look at. Like I say, sounds trite but isn't.

Work on accepting that everything that has gone on has had an effect on you. Try to make new friends. And I know that is the hardest thing in the world but start here and I use a social networking site too. (In fact when I was suicidal recently I got as much support of the people off there as I did off here and from my colleagues)

Stop giving yourself a hard time - our own expectations can be as destroying as someone else's.

And keep on posting - I'm waiting to hear how you are.
 
intelgal

intelgal

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Long post but well worth the read.. you ve come so far with all your life experiances. :welcome: to the forum I h:welcome:ope you benefit from it as much as I have
 
Fedup

Fedup

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hello and :welcome: to MHF :)

A very long first post there , but well worth the read . You have had a lot of experiances & come through them so to speak.

Dollit talks a lot of sense ..........stop being hard on your self .
Take one day at a time and do something for you each day , doesn't matter how big or small but do it.
Find yourself again and in return you'll probably end up being more confident again .

Take good care of yourself & keep posting . " We " are a very friendly & supportive bunch here :)
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

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Yes, welcome to the forum! As you can see people are pretty supportive here and I hope you continue to find it a help.

I'm with Dollit here and would agree that the action of counting your blessings can be very powerful, it's a great way to shift your focus to the positive and can help you to start looking for the positive in more general ways and stop you getting bogged down in the bad stuff.

Take care and do let us know how you get on. :hug:
 
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googly moogly

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Aug 13, 2008
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Thanks greatly for your replies. They are greatly appreciated (and impressively quick).

I am trying the 'trite' technique you gave me - allthough I agree with the scepticism but will endeavour for a while. I must admit I am feeling a little better

I'm still suffering from a complete lack of confidence - are there any other tips I can try to assist in building it again? I would like to go to a point when my voice carries further then a meter, i can answer questions directed at a room and i am comfortable joking around/injecting my personality into things again.

I no longer just want to survive from one day to another, I wish to start adding quality into my life again, be rid of the rut. I am aware positive thoughts may assist greatly, but is there anything more tangible?
 
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Dollit

Guest
The distance you want to cover is probably quite a way but you can't do it in one leap so small steps really are best. Myself and a friend on here swear by the three constants - baby steps, tea and chocolate. Trite sounding again but definitely not, you do get somewhere and you get breathing space.
 
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telemetry9

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"the possible is what you want to do not what you think you should do"
 
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