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First post. looking for insight.



New member
Apr 30, 2010
I feel a bit ridiculous posting this here. I've looked around and everyone seems to have real problems. Although the problem itself is pretty lame it's effects are anything but minor. I can't really talk to anyone about it so the internet seemed like the only option.

The problem is thus. I recently got married to a woman I’ve been with for over a decade. Our wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. I was so certain it was the right thing to do. It was only a few months down the line that I started to have doubts.

For as long as I can remember I’ve always found it easier to be friends with women than other men. Unfortunately another “quirk” of mine seems to be a pathological ability to have crushes on my female friends. It’s never caused a problem before partly because I knew it was just a crush and partly because I knew it would never go anywhere so I just ignored it until it went away.

I’ve been friends with a woman at work for a few years now. We get along really well and always take our breaks together. Over the years I’ve grown more and more fond of her until now it’s got to the point where I’m thinking about her constantly. In the last few weeks it’s been making me really depressed. I’ve suffered with it before but nothing this bad for a long time.

The problem is that I can’t tell if my feelings are real of just a reaction to my fear of growing old and being trapped in a marriage. I do feel trapped even though I don’t really want to escape.

I haven’t told her about my feelings because it would ruin our friendship and I’m certain she doesn’t feel the same way. She has a partner who she’s been with for a long time; they’re planning to buy a house together soon. I talked to her in broad terms the other day about how I’d been having feelings for someone and it was taking over my life and she was very comforting.

As much as I rationalise the problem I can’t get her out of my head. As much as I know that it’s probably just some pathetic pre-mid-life-crisis I can’t make the feelings stop. Which is all I want. I want it to stop so I can get on with my life.

It’s killing me, pretending every day that I’m not interested in her. Talking about how ridiculous it was: all those rumours about she and I having an affair which were going round the office. Lying to her face about how happy I am that she’s planning a life for herself with her partner. When I see her in the office it actually hurts me. I get that sinking feeling in my chest. Like someone tugging on my heart.

It’s ruining my life. I’m trying to be two people. My sex life is grinding to a halt despite the best efforts of my wife. All I can think about is her. Being with her. Making her coffee in the morning. I can see myself taking holidays with her (something I’ve never wanted to do before). Talking to her in bed on a sunday morning.

I’ve no idea what to do. This is either going to continue and drive me over the brink or she’ll move away, get a new job and I’ll just be left with the thoughts and wishes of what could have been. What the hell am I doing?


Apr 28, 2010
Manchester UK
Well im certainly no expert on relationships with women, but could this be a case of "the grass is always greener"...... ?


Well-known member
Apr 28, 2010
Is there something missing with your wife?After along time together it is easy to take each other for granted and remember why you got together in the first place?Life can get in a rut some what,things become habit and I can imagine a distraction from it can become blown up from what things actually are.Because this woman at work 'understands' you,you maybe seeing things through rose tinted glasses.I think you should ask your boss for some time off work and treat your wife to a long weekend away.Surprise her to somewhere you have both enjoyed going before.See how it goes and rekindle buried feelings.You were happy for a reason on your wedding day(not so long ago either),you loved her then.See how it goes.I don't think you should act on your feelings for the woman at work until you truly know how you feel for your wife first,and figure out why your tempted to stray.How would you feel if your wife felt like this for someone?If and only if you have tried your hardest with you wife,then you should tell the other woman.She may just feel safe talking to you because she knows you are attached and can relax with you?It's a different ball game if she knew you were single,trust me.You don't know what you have lost till it's gone with your wife.


Well-known member
Apr 29, 2010
Maybe you're reading into it too much.......

It sounds like you do have genuine feelings for her. I am of the opinion that life is too short to be unhappy (and that's coming from someone with bipolar!). It's important to take steps to make yourself happy, what might be something to consider though, is if you care about her that much - think about her. If you are fairly sure she is completely happy with her life and her partner - it might make things really difficult for her and cause her some unhappiness and distress by you telling her, bearing in my that you work together and it would be terrible to get to a point where one of you had to leave.

A career change could be something on the cards for you maybe??? Remove yourself from the situation and see if your feelings are still the same.

It is a really hard situation, because undoubtedly someone is going to get hurt in this. I do wish you all the best with it, because it's not a nice place to be in.

CJ xxx




Do you work in a big office. If so you could ask for a transfer to another part of the building. Anyway ignore this lady. You have made a commitment to your wife and should keep it. Sometimes drems turn to nightmares, and if youpursued any relationship it would ruin your marriage and leave you with guilt. Don't have a mid-life crisis, just think you are a teeager!
Keep busy and take up a mutual interest with your wife. otherwiase you will head for trouble. And end up with neither woman thinking much of you.
Sorry if I sound brutal, but I know that boys will always be boys!Be cool:rolleyes:
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